[The Jester]

Woman at the doctors extremely worried …
What seems to be the problem ?
Oh, doctor I’ve mixed up the dog food with my husband‘s dinner the past week, what should I do ?
He hasn’t felt unwell at all ?
no, same as usual ..
I wouldn’t worry too much then ..
couple of weeks later the Doctor passed the woman in the street …
How is your husband ?
Oh, he’s dead ..
Dead ! … what happened ?
We were crossing the road and he stopped in the middle to lick his balls and a Bus hit him …

 

[Pharmaboy]

Among musicians there's a long tradition of cruel jokes about the instruments they (or other musicians) play. Examples:

(Vibraphone)
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The vibraphonist will drool equally out of both sides of his mouth

(Drums)
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: How can you make a drummer disappear?
A: Put some sheet music on his stand

(Viola)
Q: What's the biggest difference between the violin and viola?
A: The viola burns longer

 

[fractus2]

A man stranded on a desert island sees a boat wash up on the shore with a woman inside. The woman asks the man - How long have you been here?

A long time.

How long has it been since you had a cigar?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a box of Cuba's finest. How long has it been since you had a beer?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a bottle of ice cold beer. She looks at him coyly and asks - How long has it been since you played around?

You've got golf clubs on that boat?

 

[The Jester]

Golf again …
group of four on the long par 5 with the road out of bounds on the left, first guy tees his ball up, takes a few practice swings and then looks up to see a hearse driving slowly up the road, so he nudges the ball off the tee, puts the driver under his arm and takes his cap off, the other three take their caps off and watch until the hearse is out of sight, they all tee off and stroll up the fairway and one of the guys says “that was a nice, respectful gesture“
”The least I could do after 35 years of marriage “.

 

[The Jester]

Or the diehard football supporter …
Sold out finals game, guy sitting next to an empty seat puzzled the people behind him, at half time one asked “ these seats are expensive, how come there’s an empty seat next to you” …
guy said “ I bought tickets for me and the wife but sadly she died”
”Oh, that’s so sad, I’m sorry, didn’t any of your family want to use the spare seat”
” dunno, they’re all at the funeral “ .

 

[BobG55]

 

[wuwhere]

A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to
teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a
few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing,
I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man
puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door.
As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says,
"I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

 

[BobG55]

 

[BobG55]

 

[Pharmaboy]

thus the eternal truism, "It ain't easy being green."

 

[wuwhere]

A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible.
Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail.
The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?"

 

[Bytor123]

I went in to the pet shop and asked if I could by a wasp...the chap said we don't sell wasps...I said well you've got one in the window...

 

[Pharmaboy]

The young wife is 7 months pregnant with a boy, so she and her husband ask around for the best moyel in Chicago to perform the briss. Everyone recommends the same one.

They find the moyel's shop and stand, looking at dozens of antique clocks in the shop windows. They enter and speak with the moyel. With an agreed price and arrangements made, the couple prepares to leave when the wife says to the moyel, "The only thing I don't get is the clocks. Why would a moyel put antique clocks in the shop windows?"

The moyel replies, "Tell me--what should a moyel put in the windows?"

 

[The Jester]

City council inspector with a clipboard talking to the site supervisor, all of a sudden he turns around and trods on a snail …
”what did you do that for ?”
”Thing has been following me around all day” .

 

[Pharmaboy]

A worm takes a sharp turn and loses his way--suddenly coming face to face with his own tail.

He says, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"