Originally Posted by Vicomte /img/forum/go_quote.gif
So, there I am, Christmas Eve at the shopping mall. I'm playing Santa Claus, because, well, I needed the money. Booze ain't cheap, you know? Last group of kids for the night, escorted by two nuns, probably orphans or make-a-wishers or somethin' sappy like that. The kids, not the nuns. I was pretty tired, and a bit out of my proverbial gourd--long day, and whatnot, so I goes to thinkin', "Do nuns wear underwear? What kind?" So I take one tiny peek up the old broad's poncho, and the next thing I know, some Mall Security guy has me up against a wall with one of those plastic ties around my wrists. Cut like Hell, too.
The Po-Pos showed up pretty quickly, and took me downtown. It was a short trip, because the mall was downtown as well. They throw me in this tiny cell and told me to 'sleep it off'. I was like, "Sleep what off? I was just curious, you a##holes!" So they left me there for some time, maybe a few hours, maybe a few minutes, and then they took me out to analyze my breath. This guy hands me a tube and says, "Blow". I replied, "You first, Buttercup." They tossed me back in the cell and left me there 'til morning, Christmas Day. When I woke up, had a piss, and such, they opened the door and took me out. "Hey Santa, whatcha get me?" "Some balls, skeezix!" They roughed me up a bit and threw me out in the snow. I went to the packie and bought some Peppermint Schnapps, something festive, for the Holiday. I drained that sonb!tch at the bus stop and tryed to clean the vomit out of my beard with an icicle. Well, it seems that I passed out before the bus got there, because I was back in jail when I woke up.
When they let me go the second time, the cop asked, "So, buddy, was it all worth it?" I said, Hell yea, who knew Nuns could get hemorrhoids?"
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