[BobG55]

There once a was a man named Nation,
Who worked for a radio station.
Although he was tall,
His hands were too small,
Wee paws for station identification.

There once was a man from St-Clair
Who was poking his girl on the stair
But the bannister broke
So he quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

 

[LoryWiv]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox… and no one raises an eyebrow!

 

[wuwhere]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS
office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet
$2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.
The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The
old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible
to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.
Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee
over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent
knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over
the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over
in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me
$400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

 

[BobG55]

A guy with a frog on his head walks into a Dr.’s office.
The Dr. looks at him and decides he’ll go along and humour him :
”What seems to be the problem” ?
The frog says : “I’m not sure Doc, it started with a wart on my ass”.

 

[wuwhere]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog.
“I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now
I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted.
He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

 

[Pharmaboy]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog.
“I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now
I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted.
He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

This is one of my 2-3 most favorite jokes. I tell it somewhat longer & more profanely.

 

[Pharmaboy]

another of my favorites...

Mrs. Shapinsky takes her eight-year-old grandson Sammy to the beach. A giant wave comes crashing in and sweeps the little boy out to sea. Stunned, she looks up to the heavens.

"God," she says tearfully, "He's my only grandson. I love him more than life itself. Please, bring Sammy back to me."

Suddenly, the waters part. A ray of light shines from the sky. She sees a golden dolphin heading toward the shore with little Sammy on his back. The dolphin gently places Sammy on the beach, then swims away toward a beautiful rainbow.

Mrs. Shapinsky looks at her grandson, then up toward God, and says,

"He had a hat."

 

[Redcarmoose]

 

[Redcarmoose]

"Everyone has limited knowledge which means that everyone's Truth will be different, but that doesn't make them more wrong than someone else. If a person says someone else is wrong he is wrong himself because he doesn't know that the knowledge of the other person is the Truth for him. But in the end, he isn't wrong anyway because the limited knowledge made him act that way."

Patrick82

 

[The Jester]

Guy walking along a cliff top, slips and falls over the edge, about a third of the way down he managed to grab onto a branch,
Some rock climbers spot him and asks if he needs help ?
I’m ok he said, the lord will protect me,
Looking for a way down he spots a boat in the water below, they call out to him to jump out and into the water,
Again he declined with “the lord will protect me”,
Then a helicopter rescue crew called out to him but again he declined,
“The lord will protect me”,
A little while later unable to hold on any longer he fell onto the rocks below,
Up in heaven he questions God,
“My lord, why did though forsake me?”
“Forsake you ?”
“I sent you a rock climbing team, a lifeboat and a helicopter what more do you want ? “

 

[Joaquin Dinero]

Guy walking along a cliff top, slips and falls over the edge, about a third of the way down he managed to grab onto a branch,
Some rock climbers spot him and asks if he needs help ?
I’m ok he said, the lord will protect me,
Looking for a way down he spots a boat in the water below, they call out to him to jump out and into the water,
Again he declined with “the lord will protect me”,
Then a helicopter rescue crew called out to him but again he declined,
“The lord will protect me”,
A little while later unable to hold on any longer he fell onto the rocks below,
Up in heaven he questions God,
“My lord, why did though forsake me?”
“Forsake you ?”
“I sent you a rock climbing team, a lifeboat and a helicopter what more do you want ? “

Substitute 'vaccine' for helicopter and this joke pretty well sums up about half of America right now.

 

[Pharmaboy]

Substitute 'vaccine' for helicopter and this joke pretty well sums up about half of America right now.

Yup.

Maybe the biggest Corny Joke of all is this: ~1/4 of the U.S. population feels they don't need a vaccine. Between the protection of their lord and an off-label horse de-worming drug, "They're good now."

Or as P.T. Barnum once said, "You'll never go broke underestimating the taste of the American public."

 

[Xanadu777]

I know this guy who said his wife was feeling down... she said "I could really use a compliment about now"... she went on... "Looking in the mirror, I'm getting fat, wrinkled and just not very good looking anymore, and any compliment is welcome"... he said "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect!!!", haha...

 

[The Jester]

And that’s when the fight started … Lol,
Like the guy sat on the lounge watching tv … wife sits down next to him …
“What’s on the tv ?”
“Dust” was the reply …
And that’s when the fight started ….

 

[Xanadu777]

Same guy, next day... his wife tells him "Get the frick out and never come back!!!!".... he starts to leave and she says "I hope you die a slow and painful death!!!"... he replies "What, now you want me to stay?!?"