[Bytor123]

I used to work in a circus. I didn't have an act, but I was the only one who could get the tent back in the bag...

 

[Joaquin Dinero]

A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer are driving along a desolate desert road on a scorching hot day. Their car suddenly spotters, and stalls out.

The mechanical engineer mutters something about the carburetor jamming up. He gets out, and pops the hood to take a look.

The chemical engineer mutters something about vapor lock in the gas line. He gets out, and crawls under the car near the gas tank to take a look.

The computer engineer was behind the wheel driving. He sits silently, as if lost in thought.

Finally he yells "wait a second guys, I've got it!". He opens the door, steps out of the car, and closes the door. He opens the door again, gets behind the wheel again, and turns the key.

The car starts right up.

 

[The Jester]

I notice you have a photo of your Mother-in-Law on the mantlepiece ?
serves its purpose,
keeps the kids away from the fire ….

Took the Mother-in-Law on a family tour of a historical village over the weekend and she fell down the wishing well …
never believed they actually worked ….

 

[The Jester]

Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Engineer: The glass is twice the size it needs to be .

 

[Pharmaboy]

(Joan Rivers) "I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' "

(Rodney Dangerfield) "For years I wouldn't kiss my mother-in-law on the cheek...and I end up kissing her ass!"

(unknown) Lawyer to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?” Son-in-law: “Take no chances--order all three.”

(FYI, I dearly loved my mother-in-law [R.I.P.] and miss her greatly)

 

[The Jester]

Family lunch with Mother-in-Law at a local café,
as we were going in she decided to freshen her lipstick but It crept back down the tube …

 

[The Jester]

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Just one, but only if the lightbulb really wants to change ..

 

[Pharmaboy]

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

 

[The Jester]

Down on the farm:
Cheer up, it’s you’re Mother-in-Law’s Birthday, let’s go out back and kill a couple of chickens …
Why blame them it’s not their fault ?

 

[Ryokan]

A lot of conflict could've been avoided in the Wild West if the architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

 

[BobG55]

 

[fractus2]

I went swimming at the YMCA and decided to take a leak at the deep end of the pool. Somehow the lifeguard noticed; he blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

 

[The Jester]

Got thrown out for taking a leak in the pool …
what else was I gonna do it was way too high up there to jump from …

 

[Bytor123]

...my car broke down, the mechanic came out, he said 'crap in the carburettor'...I said 'how often do I have to do that?'

 

[BobG55]

A penguin is riding on his snowmobile when all of a sudden it craps out on him. He pushes it to the nearest garage and while the mechanic is working on his snowmobile, the penguin goes into the store next to the garage. He buys and ice cream cone and goes back to see the mechanic. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says : “I think you‘ve blown a seal”. The penguin says : “No, no, I’m having ice cream”.