New Moon (5/10)
The sequel to Stephenie Meyer's teen-angst-vampire flick is more of a tweener than it's intended audience. While the trailer makes a big deal of the Vulturi - a kind of dark kangaroo court among vampires - we don't see these guys for at least half the movie. New Moon begins with Edward taking a powder, which leaves Bella moping around till Jacob makes a long, boring and predictable play for her affections. Some scenes - like that of Bella hitting her head on a rock (followed by a surreal soapy exchange while blood gushes out of the side of her head) are unintentionally funny. This is a film where one long train of teen-flick cliches is chased by another. With the exception of some animal battles (looking like something out of the Lion, the With and the Wardrobe) and Bella pulling a Peter Pan into the ice-cold Pacific, there's not a lot of action here. Even when the Vulturi get into the game, the special effects are so anemic, they just look like poseurs. I haven't squirmed this much during a movie since I got dragged to Sphere.
The movie made big coin during its weekend premiere, but it's a case of anticipation more than word of mouth. Twihards may well have been enchanted by the film's attempt to follow the novel like a brain surgeon's checklist, but the rest of us are condemned to cinematic babble so silly it would have been an act of mercy had it been shown to nazis for Inglorious Basterds.