[themanster]

Once there were there were these two soldiers flying on a helicopter. One was an instructor, the other a good-natured but not too bright fellow, who was flying the helicopter. They were taking the helicopter for tests, seeing how high it could fly.

When they reached 1000m, the instructor said to the other guy, "How are you doing?" The guy replied, " Fine sir! Just a little bit cold sir!"

When they reached 2000m, "How are you doing?" "Fine sir! It's getting colder sir!"

When they reached 3000m, "How are you doing?" "Fine sir! Bloody cold sir!"

They climb higher and higher... 3600... 3700... 3800... 3900... All of a sudden, the helicopter stalls! Left with no other choice, they both evacuate the vehicle, lucky to escape with their lives.

While parachuting down, the instructor asks the pilot, "What just happened, everything was ok, then all of a sudden everything went wrong?"

The pilot replied "Well, ask we went up higher and higher, I became so very cold, finally I could not take it, and went to switch off that huge ceiling fan above us! Then suddenly the aircraft stopped working!

 

[joneeboi]

(This joke goes especially well beside campfires in the mountains at night with your schoolmates and your Physics teacher.)

One day, three white men, Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3, all trek into the woods to go camping just beyond the other side of this mountain, unwittingly trespassing on Native American territory. Sure enough, they are all captured and imprisoned by the Native sentries.

As punishment, the three white men are presented before the entire village and the sole judge, the Village Chief. "You have trespassed on our sacred grounds. As punishment to this blasphemy, you must choose between two penalties: death...and bungwah."

At the mention of this word, bungwah, the entire village begins to chant, "Bungwah, bungwah, bungwah," hoping to see the three men choose it over a sure death. "I don't want to die! Besides, what could be worse than death?" ponders Guy 1. Being the first presented with the decision, Guy 1 chooses this bungwah. The village lights up, with cheers and hollers at the man's decision, screaming in unison, "Bungwah, bungwah!" Escorted by the Native guards, Guy 1 is taken to the Chief's teepee.

Alone in the room are the Chief and Guy 1. "So, uh, what is this bungwah thing?" asks Guy 1 teeming with curiosity. The Chief simply stares at him. Without warning, he grabs Guy 1 by the arm, turns him around, rips his pants off and rapes him up his butt until he dies.

Finished with the deed, the Chief exits the teepee and is greeted with the screams of the entire Native village. "Bungwah, bungwah, bungwah!" they continue to shout. At that, Guy 2 is given the choice. "Wow, all these people are cheering for Guy 1 so loudly, I suppose I should pick bungwah as well." In a flash, Guy 2 is grabbed by the arm, taken to the Chief who, in front of everyone, rips his pants off and also rapes him up his butt until he dies.

Guy 3, aghast at what he just witnessed, screams, "Who would want such a cruel punishment? I'll never choose bungwah! I'd rather choose death! I don't care what it is!" Silence swiftly pervades the village's atmosphere. The Chief stares at him and clears his throat. "As you wish. You shall have death...by bungwah!" and turns him around, rips his pants off, and rapes him up his butt until he dies. []End

Of course, I added a lot of unnecessary detail to the plot. You can just as easily tweak the story and keep the main effect. I did this story around a campfire with maybe 20 people anxious to take their minds off scary ghost stories. I found it kind of a tough one to pull off, cause I didn't get them laughing as much as I like them to. Oh, well. =T Maybe you guys can take the legacy of bungwah to greater heights.

 

[Old Pa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by joneeboi One day, three white men, Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3, all trek into the woods to go camping just beyond the other side of this mountain, unwittingly trespassing on Native American territory. Sure enough, they are all captured and imprisoned by the Native sentries...etc.

This is one of my wife's favorite jokes. I can tell it to her about once a year and she runs off giggling. Go figure. I tell it with three explorers down the Congo in Africa and the sodomous rite is called "ommgaawah". Last line goes "And death you shall have! . . . . but first a little ommgaawah!" I didn't know Native Americans were into this stuff, too.

 

[joneeboi]

As long as the people are different, the joke works.

Has there been a Chuck Norris section yet?

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep - he waits.

 

[dbfreak]

Hear the joke about the dirty shirt? No? That's one on you!

 

[bungle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by joneeboi One day, three white men, Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3, all trek into the woods to go camping just beyond the other side of this mountain, unwittingly trespassing on Native American territory. Sure enough, they are all captured and imprisoned by the Native sentries.

The way I heard it, the first two guys choose bungwah (or bunga-bunga), and they just get raped by about 20 natives (not to death). Then the last guy decides he can't take it and chooses death, to which they say, "Death... by bungwah!" I think the last line carries more kick that way.

=====================
Mickey Mouse was trying to get a divorce from Minnie. At the proceedings, the judge says "Mickey, if you want this divorce, I'm going to have to see some good evidence showing that your wife is crazy." To which Mickey responds, "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was screwing Goofy!"

 

[Jahn]

"Native Misunderstandings" are a classic well of jokes to draw from. A more recent one of course would be "Death by Snoo-Snoo!"

Even way back in elementary school I remember these, like the Chief telling the doc "Me no move" thinking the doc is the mayor, and the doc just proscribes Ex-lax thinking the Chief means his bowels won't move. Then one day the Chief comes over again and the doc says "what's the matter? you still won't move?" and the Chief says "gotta move now. Teepee full of crap."

Or in middle school, hearing about the pilot who crashes into the jungle and is surrounded by natives, and the only way he would be spared would be to marry the Chief's daughter. On the conjugal wedding nite, she's screaming "THANGO CHAE!" which the pilot takes to mean "Good Job!" or "I like!" or something. The next day he decides to teach the Chief how to play golf. With one swing the Chief sinks his shot from the tee. When the pilot says "Thango Chae!" the Chief looks at him funny and says...


"What do you mean 'Wrong Hole?'"

 

[Denim]

Found in my inbox today ...
Not the best, but not bad.

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.


Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.


A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.


A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.


A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.


A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.


An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.


A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!

 

[gevorg]

}

 

[jpelg]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the Mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again.

 

[StevieDvd]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.





************************************************** ****************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peeky at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irritate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.



AH!!!! .....WOMEN!!!! ......THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!!!

 

[Zorander]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

 

[Old Pa]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[Old Pa]

#1

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

#2

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......"

#3

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

#4

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

 

[mbriant]

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put
down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a
rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten
minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that
day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with
his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one
of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were
standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and
lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The
elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man.
The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth
along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.