[TiTaN]

Yes I realize these were from 2004 but I was browsing the thread and thought of a good next line to this one

Quote:

Originally Posted by aerius So this baby seal walks into a club...

Quote:

Originally Posted by mbriant "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

"What exactly are you doing here?" asked the bartender.

"I'm gonna get smashed!" said the seal.

Edit: Whoa, now how ironic that I hadn't even made it to the end of the thread and the last reply before mine was by the same person who I quoted...over 2 years later

 

[samuel jackson 5]

[size=xx-small]"Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Little old lady!"

"Little old lady who?"

"Oh, I didn't know you could jodel."[/size]

 

[Dane]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[technobarbie]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from
this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate ...you won't have worms!"

 

[Old Pa]

#1

Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied," That would be rude and impolite. What about you? Paul, how would you say it?

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

With little hesitation Johnny said: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

#2

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride.


You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

 

[tjohnusa]

LOL Bump

 

[Old Pa]

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired: "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing , China ."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph smiled, "I'm going to go get her."

 

[wakeride74]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dane /img/forum/go_quote.gif Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

That is the best short joke I've heard in a long time. LMAO!

Things you'll never hear a redneck say....

No kids in the back of the pick- up, it's not safe.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Do you think my gut is too big?

Duct tape won't fix that.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

 

[Old Pa]

"Hello, Kaptain Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor that your dog died."

"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart"

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver - you're in deep s**t!"

 

[stewtheking]

Apologies in advance for this.

What's brown and sticky and lives in an attic?

Anne Frank's diarrhoea!

I apologise profusely.

 

[Zorander]

In the spirit of the festive season:

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

Have yourselves a merry Christmas.

 

[aluren]

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's. Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!"

Bessie replies, "You should have bought a hat."

 

[Old Pa]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

"I got to be honest with you Father," Murphy said, "A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

"Well, Murphy," The priest said, "I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

"Well," said Murphy, "After I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head. "No, Father," he said, "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[tjohnusa]

Old Pa....I would love to sit and have a few beers with you! I can't imagine the jokes you have that you won't post here...I am guessing you must have tended bar at some point in your life. Merry Christmas!!!!

 

[Hoppergrass]

person 1 to person 2: "ask me if i'm a tree."

person 2: "are you a tree?"

person 1: "nope"