[Old Pa]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

 

[KrooLism]

Old enough to be seven, old enought to be eight (ate).

 

[Samgotit]

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer.

Guy at the end of the bar yells to the bartender, "Hey Jackass, give me another beer."

Guy who walked into the bar wonders what his problems is.

Guy at the end of the bar yells to the bartender, "Hey Jackass, give me change for the cigarette machine."

Guy who walked into the bar is getting annoyed.

Guy at the end of the bar yells to the bartender, "Hey Jackass, give me a shot."

Guy who walked into the bar asks the bartender, "Hey man, why do you let him keep calling you a Jackass?"

Bartender says, "HeeeeeeeHawwwwww HeeeeeeeHawwwwww Heeeee-always calls me a Jackass."

 

[LFC_SL]

Not favourite, just best cleanest joke I can post... (sorry if its been posted already)

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'

[size=xx-small](please delete if inappropriate mods)[/size]

 

[boatload]

Why did Helen Keller only use one hand to masterbate?


She used the other hand to moan.


Why do little girls from Chicago put fish in their panties?

So they can smell like big girls from Chicago.

 

[fatcat28037]

Why do southern women not engage in group sex?............They don't want to write all those Thank You notes.

 

[FallenAngel]

I don't think this was posted before, but I like this nice clean joke.

A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop walks up to his window and asks "Can I see your license and registration?" The man answers "I don't have any license since I was caught driving piss drunk a few times and I don't have the registration because it's a stolen car. I killed the guy who owns the car with my unregistered and illegal UZI submachinegun which is hidden in the glove compartment and stuffed his body in the trunk.". Completely shocked, the cop runs back to his car and calls for SWAT backup. SWAT arrives on the scene and approaches the car slowly. They take him out of the car and handcuff him. The man asks them, "What's the problem officers?". After searching the man and his car, SWAT sees that he has a valid license, vehicle registration, nothing in his glove compartment and an empty trunk. When they tell him what he was accused of, he simply answers "Oh yeah, next that cop will be telling you I was speeding too".

 

[SoundGoon]

What did the Bra say to the Hat? - "You go on ahead, I gotta give these two a lift."

 

[sisenor]

From Playboy Party Jokes:

Two terrorists were chatting. One pulled out his wallet and flipped through the photographs. "This is my oldest," he said proudly. "He is a martyr. And this is my second oldest. He too is a martyr."
"Ah," the second terrorist said, "they blow up so fast."

 

[SoundGoon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisenor /img/forum/go_quote.gif From Playboy Party Jokes: Two terrorists were chatting. One pulled out his wallet and flipped through the photographs. "This is my oldest," he said proudly. "He is a martyr. And this is my second oldest. He too is a martyr." "Ah," the second terrorist said, "they blow up so fast."

lol

 

[Old Pa]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital, and ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the water your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then snickered and said, "Just joking with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

 

[Thelonious Monk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Todd R /img/forum/go_quote.gif If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you. NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge #3 (Frank): Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. lady is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

i died. 4 years old but i DIED.

here's mine!

There was a woman who was unhappy with her breast size. 24 years old, and she felt her boobs should be bigger. She tried pills, implants. The pills did nothing, and the implants had to be removed. While reading the newspaper, she heard of a special doctor who could help anyone's problem. Seeing as she had was desperate for bigger boobs, she went to Doctor Bob. She told him she was unhappy with her breast size, and he told her:

"Every day at 4pm, you need to stand up, rub your boobs from outside in constantly and say 'scooby doobie doobie, I want bigger boobies'"

The woman gave Dr. Bob a weird look, but he told her it would work. So for 3 weeks, she did this every day at 4pm.

One day she was on the bus riding to a meeting at work she was late for. Having rushed out the door she completely forgot to do her 4pm exercise. She was a bit nervous to do it in front of everyone on the bus, but she really wanted her boobs to grow, so she stood up, rubbed her boobs from outside in, and said "scooby doobie doobie, I want bigger boobies". A man sitting on the other end of the bus saw this, and exclaimed, "hey, you go to Dr. Bob!"

"How do you know?" the woman asked.

The man stood up, started rubbing his penis and said, "hickory dickory dock..."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the person hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

edit: the javascript wasn't part of the joke!

 

[stewtheking]

I've got a great maths joke. You'll need a little bit of calculus, but don't worry, I'll hide the answers in there (just highlight to see)

Q: Okay, what do you get when you intergrate 1/cabin with respect to cabin?

A: (Log Cabin)

Q: Nope, Noah's Ark!

A: (It's Log Cabin, plus C (sea))

I'm sorry. I'll just leave quietly.

 

[Old Pa]

[Evolution of the Telephone]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Wisconsin newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Eau Claire, Ole Johnson, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Swedes were already using wireless."

 

[Lazarus Short]

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Mac /img/forum/go_quote.gif funny: There was a study done about jokes, and it turns out that the some words are just inherently funuy, and don't require a punchline. For example "So Gilligan and the professor are being chased by a prune-eating weasel with a chainsaw"

Right! Like this one, and it made me fall out of my chair the first time I heard it: "...stir well with the wooden leg of a sea-going turkey."

Laz