Zorander
Headphoneus Supremus
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
3.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8.These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of the God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thus in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him… (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
3.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8.These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of the God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thus in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him… (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
