[Hi-Finthen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuriousVoiger /img/forum/go_quote.gif GRANDMA : The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

I LOL at this, and must tell you all of a similar true story...

The year was 1975 and I was helping my wondeful aunt move household. She was highly educated (PhD Education), however lacked some common experience due to being cloistered in the Franciscan religious order having attained the rank of Mother Superior.

Of course, she was a notoriously poor driver having only a few years practice at her advanced age and consequently asked me durring one of our hauls, "what does that mean when these NUTS point the middle finger to you while driving?". Appearently she got that reaction often from those she shared the roads with, as we had that day again.LOL

I laughed, and said it sort of like "Gosh Dang You"... So, right on cue she had the opportunity to "Gosh Dang" a driver before we reached our destination...LOL...True story....

I told my mom, laughing and she chuckled and said she would have a talk with her sister and explain things about flipping off other drivers, as it's not at all cool for a lady to do.... LOL

But for at least a few days there was an old lady driving around her town with stereotypically poor driving skills, flipping off these other NUTs on the road...lol

 

[Kahuna]

Disorder in the Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and are now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_______________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law...

 

[Happy Camper]

A magician was performing on a cruise ship. The captain had a parrot who started tipping the tricks off. "it's up his sleeve, it's behind his back". Well it was beginning to get the magician mad.

The ship hits an iceburg and sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of debris and finds the parrot on the other end locked in a death stare. This goes on between the two for three days until finally the parrot asks, "ok, I give, where's the ship"?

 

[SR-71Panorama]

**From the August 7, 2007 Apple Press Confrence**

Reporter: What About AMD Chips?
Steve Jobs: We Use Intel Chips

lol
AMD gets owned

 

[lisnalee]

A woman working in a shop sees a man walk in with his guide dog.

The man then grabs the dog by it lead and starts swinging it around over his head.

The woman asks him: Are you ok sir.

The man replys: Yes thanks i'm just having a look around!!!

 

[choomanchoo]

Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, heck! You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

 

[Capital R]

A woman goes to a grocery store and buys one of everything. One tube of toothpaste, One bottle of soda, One plate, One glass, one of everything. She then makes her way to the checkout stand.

While the cashier rings her up he says: "you must be single!"

The lady says "Yeah, how'd you know?!"

The cashier says "Because you're friggin ugly!"

 

[flashnolan]

Q: How many headphone audiophiles does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but when they are done it will have AC line filtering, 100% oxygen free copper cables, a better amp, upgraded bulb that gives the "classic" light feel, and microvibration dampeners on the bulb.

 

[Zorander]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flashnolan /img/forum/go_quote.gif Q: How many headphone audiophiles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but when they are done it will have AC line filtering, 100% oxygen free copper cables, a better amp, upgraded bulb that gives the "classic" light feel, and microvibration dampeners on the bulb.

The following question:

To leave it constantly on or switch it off when not needed?

 

[fordgtlover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kahuna /img/forum/go_quote.gif Disorder in the Court... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and are now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

These are seriously the funniest. I laugh MAO everytime I read these.

Here are a few more:

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
________________________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

 

[MoreCowbell]

ok

A proud Texan walks into a bar in Dublin and immediately announces that he has a challenge 'fit only for a brave Texan' The bar crowd falls into a hush. "I will put up a thousand dollars for any man that can drink ten Texas-sized mugs of beer in five minutes!" He has the bartender draw the beers. No one stirs. "Ha! That's what I thought" roars the Texan. Then, slowly an Irish fellow stands up and walks toward the door. "Ha!" shouts Hoss, "Won't even give it a try, not even for a thousand dollars!!" He berates the man as he leaves. The taunting and loud bragging about Texas goes on for a good seven or eight minutes when the same Irish man walks thru the door and announces that yes, he's game for the challenge. To the amazement of the bar patrons and especially the big mouth, the man quickly drains the ten beers. As he's sitting at the bar counting his money the Texan sits down beside him, "I am amazed, truly I am. But I just have to ask you one question. Where did you go when you left that first time" "Aye" says the Irishman, "I went to the pub across the street to make sure I could do it first..."

 

[shigzeo]

be careful not to post anything too funny. we do not need a rerun of the funniest joke ever fiasco.

 

[Old Pa]

1.
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.

2.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

 

[lisnalee]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so How many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.How much was The Sale for?"

£ 124,237 Pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed £ 124,237 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,

So I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat Department And I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him Down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell m e....a guy came in here To buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no.....he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend And I said.........

"Well mate, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

 

[skudmunky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flashnolan /img/forum/go_quote.gif Q: How many headphone audiophiles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but when they are done it will have AC line filtering, 100% oxygen free copper cables, a better amp, upgraded bulb that gives the "classic" light feel, and microvibration dampeners on the bulb.

Q: how many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: duuuhh.... whaaa?


Q: How many sound guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: We do sound only, no lights!