[Zorander]

Stan and Sally, childhood sweethearts, are celebrating their 50th anniversary. They stroll down to their old school and find the desk where he carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls at their feet from a passing armoured car.

They take the bag home and find it contains $50,000. Stan says, "We'll have to give it back."

But Sally says, "No! Finders keepers."

Later that day, police going door-to-door ask them if they know anything about the missing money.

Sally says she doesn't.

"She's lying!" Stan says. "She hid it in the attic."

"Don't listen to him," says Sally. "He's going senile."

One of the police officers tells Stan, "OK, you'd better tell us the story from the beginning."

Stan says, "Well, Sally and I were walking home from school. . ."

The officer says to his partner, "Come on - we're out of here!"

 

[Zorander]

Two Uni students had an exam coming up. They opted to go to an all-day music festival instead, and missed the exam. "Our car broke down due to a flat tyre," they told the professor earnestly. "Can we take the exam tomorrow?"

The professor agreed. Both boys crammed all night until they were sure they knew just about everything. Arriving the next morning, each was told to go to a separate room to take the exam.

As they sat down, they read the first question: "For five points, explain the structure of an atom."

This is going to be a piece of cake! thought each boy, answering the question with ease. Then, the test continued: "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."

 

[elrod-tom]

Same day different journals...



1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress
and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



2. HIS DIARY

Today the Packers lost and were eliminated from the playoffs, but at least I got laid.

 

[Mr.PD]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's
liable to break something.
The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're
going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a
short trip to the store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick
and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't
believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what
this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor who
lives next door.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he
assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he
takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him,
the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

 

[themanster]

What's brown and sticky?



A brown stick. WOOHOO!

 

[Old Pa]

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

 

[Homeless]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[Old Pa]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, you should get it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,00.00. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

[Old Pa]

Perhaps Bob Hope says it best . . .

http://media.putfile.com/Greatest_Movie_Line_Ever

 

[elrod-tom]

A woman walks up to a man at the grocery store and says, "Hi...I think you're the father of one of my kids"

A bit taken aback by this, the man thinks and thinks to himself that he's always been faithful to his wife, but remembers an occasion at his bachelor party...

"Are you the stripper from my bachelor party who had sex with me on the pool table while another stripper beat me with a cat of nine tails?", he asks.

"Well...no," the woman responds, "I'm your son Timmy's third grade teacher."

 

[Mr.PD]

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind
her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the black guy
was going to have to stagger out the door.

 

[Jahn]

Toward the end of the church service, the Minister asked, "How many of you
Have forgiven your enemies?" About 80% held up their hands. The Minister
Then asked , "How many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?"

All responded this time, except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
Person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
Congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

 

[DJShadow]

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and Irishman who are all running from a Nazi hit squad in the country somewhere. They run into a barn and the Englishman goes 'quick! lets hide in these sacks!'. The three of them promptly get into these sacks and stay still without making a noise hoping to escape danger. The Nazis enter the barn and the commander goes over to the 3 sacks. The commander kicks the first sack and the Englishman goes 'Woof Woof!'. The commander realising its a dog goes over to the second bag with the Scotsman inside. He kicks it and the Scot goes 'Meow!'. 'Zit is only a cat' the Nazi commander exclaims. He proceeds to the third bag, kicks it and the Irishman goes 'Potatoes!'.

It's a much better verbal joke and works best if the receiver is British

 

[Audiofiler]

This is funny.

Two guys walk up to the airport terminal counter.
a non flat chested girl is working the counter...

The one guy makes an honest yet embarressing mistake of a remark aloud to the young lady..

"Two pickets to Tittsburgh please.." -the mans face goes purple red with flush and is clearly sorry immediately at his supposed Freudian slip..

His buddy is quick to console him and starts up before the nice young lady has a chance to accept his apology and says..

"don't worry about it, that happens to everyone!Yeah, just like the other day when I was having dinner with my wife, and she said 'please pass the cream', and I thought she said stupid bitch you ruined my life.."

That is one I just heard recently and seems to get laughs...enjoy!!

 

[iq160plus]

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender asks: "Where did you get that from"?

The frog says: " I don't know. It started out as a wart on my butt!"


---Have no idea why that cracks me up