[jpnz]

Want to hear a funny joke? Women's Rights

 

[nabwong]

Why did the scout get kick out of his troop?

Cos he was caught eating a brownie.

 

[skudmunky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jpnz Want to hear a funny joke? Women's Rights

Wanna hear another? Men's Fashion.

 

[JMT]

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

 

[imho]

A Very Happy Man


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally
was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I go
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She
said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed
straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test.... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is . . .
































Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[PhilS]

This supposedly actually happened:

A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

 

[Old Pa]

A cautionary tale of road rage in Texas: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

 

[imho]

Okay, you have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello's skit "Who's on First" (it was in Black and White; yes, children, TV at one time was ALL black & white) and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes (and me always) get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge .

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

 

[StevieDvd]

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life. At least for a while.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost
instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the
next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old
life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you
get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had
survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing
did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware - how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach
the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him
was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another
drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still - How
about a Pinacolada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower
and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel
mechanism.

"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer
to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a
very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do
for all of these months."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing -
this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.


"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

 

[greenhorn]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

[stewtheking]

Here's my favourite.

So there's this young woman, who has been pretty unlucky in love. Her past boyfriends have all been real bad news, they've either hit her, or they've run away, or they've been really terrible in bed. So she puts an advert in the local lonely hearts column, for a bloke who won't hit her, won't run away, and is really good in bed.

Well, the days and weeks pass and no response, so the woman has kind of been thinking that nobody was going to reply, and then one day she hears a ring at the doorbell. On answering it there's a bloke at the door in a wheelchair, with no arms and no legs. "I'm here about the lonely hearts", he says.

So, she ushers him in and they have a cup of tea and a chat, and are getting on well, but she feels she must make sure that he is all three things she asked for.

"So, you're not going to hit me are you?"
"Well, I've got no arms, so that's pretty much not going to happen"
"And... you're not going to run away?"
"well, I've got no legs, so that's out of the question as well"
"And.. you are... i mean... good in bed?"

"Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"



The best part about this joke is my mum told it at work, she is an Occupational therapist, and they deal with aids for disabled people to get around and function, so the office is used to solutions for people with limited mobility... so much so that one of the more innocent people in the office heard the joke and went "well, with his nose of course", before the howls of laughter made her realise her mistake!

 

[kugino]

why do dogs lick their balls?


















because they can

 

[kugino]

two muffins are in the oven.

muffin 1: "boy, it's hot in here."

muffin 2: "holy crap, a talking muffin!"

 

[mbriant]

A British company has announced the development a computer chip which will store music in a woman's breast implants.

This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women complained that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[swt61]

Three different couples move to the same small town at the same time.
They all want to join the town's only local church. So they set up a meeting with the Pastor. The Pastor is really excited, he rarely gets one new member let alone 6 at one time. He sits them all down and tells them all about the church. They all say it sounds wonderful and want to join. He explains to them that he needs to test their faith before allowing them to join the church. They all agree to this, and ask what the test will be. He tells them that he wants them to obstain from sex for a month. That will be a good test of their faith he tells them. They all think it's a bit odd, but agree. One month later they all return to the Pastor's office. He asks the oldest couple (mid sixties) how it went. The man replied that it was tough, but that they really wanted to join the church, so they got through it. The Pastor welcomed them into the church. He then asked the the couple in their 40's how it went for them. The man explained that it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but that because it was for such a good cause they managed to do it. The Pastor welcomed them into the congregation. He then asked the last couple (20 something newlyweds) how it went for them. The man spoke up and said "Pastor we were doing really good up until the last day". "Well what happened?" asked the Pastor. The man said "My wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn't help myself!"
The Pastor thought about this for a second, then told the couple "I'm very sorry, but I just can't let you in the church." To which the man replied "I understand Pastor, They won't let us back in Safeway either.