finbad
Formerly known as Hi-Finthen
No matter how much you push the envelope
it'll still be stationary
it'll still be stationary
Corny Jokes - the more the merrier
- Thread starter BobG55
- Start date
Ontario vs. Quebec
Two men—one from Ontario and one from Quebec—were exploring a cave when they stumbled upon a magic lamp. As they fought over who it belonged to, a genie suddenly appeared.
“I shall grant each of you one wish,” the genie said. “Only one, so make it count.”
The Quebecois spoke first. “I want you to build a one-hundred-foot-high wall around the border of Quebec. This will ensure that English culture doesn’t corrode our superior heritage.”
The genie nodded. “Done.”
He then turned to the Ontarian. “And your wish?”
“Fill it with water.”
Two men—one from Ontario and one from Quebec—were exploring a cave when they stumbled upon a magic lamp. As they fought over who it belonged to, a genie suddenly appeared.
“I shall grant each of you one wish,” the genie said. “Only one, so make it count.”
The Quebecois spoke first. “I want you to build a one-hundred-foot-high wall around the border of Quebec. This will ensure that English culture doesn’t corrode our superior heritage.”
The genie nodded. “Done.”
He then turned to the Ontarian. “And your wish?”
“Fill it with water.”
finbad
Formerly known as Hi-Finthen
Our guy with three ducks walks into a bar, placing the three ducks on the bar, orders a drink and a second -
to the amazement of the bartender all three ducks can talk and carry on a conversation with the man -
orders a third and heads to the bathroom while the ducks carry on a conversation amongst themselves.
The bartender askes the first duck, "so what's your name?" "Louie" says the duck.
"So how has you're day been Louie?"
"Good, great, grand, I've been in and out of puddles all day and it doesn't get much better than that for this duck."
Looking to the second duck asks, "and what is your name?"
"My name's Huey."
"So, how's your day goin' Huey?"
Huey goes: "My day's been good, great really, as I too have been in and out of puddles all day, what else could a duck ask for?"
The bartender thinks he has this crew figured out looking the third duck in the eye says: "Let me guess, your names Dewey?"
Duck goes: "No, I wished... I'm Puddles and don't you dare ask me about my day."
to the amazement of the bartender all three ducks can talk and carry on a conversation with the man -
orders a third and heads to the bathroom while the ducks carry on a conversation amongst themselves.
The bartender askes the first duck, "so what's your name?" "Louie" says the duck.
"So how has you're day been Louie?"
"Good, great, grand, I've been in and out of puddles all day and it doesn't get much better than that for this duck."
Looking to the second duck asks, "and what is your name?"
"My name's Huey."
"So, how's your day goin' Huey?"
Huey goes: "My day's been good, great really, as I too have been in and out of puddles all day, what else could a duck ask for?"
The bartender thinks he has this crew figured out looking the third duck in the eye says: "Let me guess, your names Dewey?"
Duck goes: "No, I wished... I'm Puddles and don't you dare ask me about my day."
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later, they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Pharmaboy
Headphoneus Supremus
I love Canadian jokes. Nice to think everybody up there is affectionately contemptous of eachother (actually somewhat of an upgrade compared to the US).
Here's an oldie but goodie:
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists it violently, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He starts scribiling possible headlines in his notebook:
"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" He shows it to the boy.
"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry. We are in Toronto so I just assumed you were." said the reporter and scrbbles some more.
"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"But, I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
"Sorry. I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little rat-ba****d from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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LOL... Love it.
Sport is a bit like religion. Everyone seems to be fighting over it.
I’m starting a new religion—it’s called the Church of the Divine Wi‑Fi. Our first commandment? Thou shalt always stay connected to the heavenly signal!
finbad
Formerly known as Hi-Finthen
Two ten year old girlfriends were on a weekend playdate getting to know each others family when the questions got to their moms profiles in comparison.
When asked the one girl says I'm not sure how old my mom is nor do I know her weight.
Trying to get some detailed information the daughter askes her mom, "Mom, how old are you?"
"Now dear a lady doesn't like to reveal her age, it's impolite; Same answer when asked her weight."
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself."
When told this, the girlfriend says: "Just look at her drivers license, it's like a report card full of information."
Next night the snoopy girl find out all she want's to know from her moms license, telling her mom:
"I know you're 165 pounds, mom."
Mother was surprised to hear this, saying: "How did you find that out?"
"I also know you're 38 years old, mom."
The mother was beyond surprised, she was shocked saying: "How in heavens name did you figure that out."
"AND, I figured out why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
When asked the one girl says I'm not sure how old my mom is nor do I know her weight.
Trying to get some detailed information the daughter askes her mom, "Mom, how old are you?"
"Now dear a lady doesn't like to reveal her age, it's impolite; Same answer when asked her weight."
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself."
When told this, the girlfriend says: "Just look at her drivers license, it's like a report card full of information."
Next night the snoopy girl find out all she want's to know from her moms license, telling her mom:
"I know you're 165 pounds, mom."
Mother was surprised to hear this, saying: "How did you find that out?"
"I also know you're 38 years old, mom."
The mother was beyond surprised, she was shocked saying: "How in heavens name did you figure that out."
"AND, I figured out why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale—only $20 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back. We can’t afford them,” she demands.
They carry on shopping. A few aisles later, the wife picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she replies.
Her husband retorts, “So do 24 cans of beer—and they’re half the price.”
That’s him, lying there in Aisle 5.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale—only $20 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back. We can’t afford them,” she demands.
They carry on shopping. A few aisles later, the wife picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she replies.
Her husband retorts, “So do 24 cans of beer—and they’re half the price.”
That’s him, lying there in Aisle 5.
Paddy and Mick are in the pub having a few pints of Guinness.
A man walks in, places a large, damp-looking parcel on the bar, and orders a pint.
Curious, Paddy asks him, “So, what’ve you got in the parcel then?”
“Have a look,” the man says, unwrapping it—and there, sat on the bar, is an enormous, beautiful salmon.
“By God,” says Paddy, “that’s a fine fish. Where on earth did you get that?”
“Well, it’s spawning time, and the fish are making their way upriver. There are hundreds of them. You don’t even need a rod—you can just pick them out.”
“Is that a fact!” says Paddy, impressed. “I tell you, I wouldn’t mind one or two of them for myself.”
Later on, Paddy and Mick are making their unsteady way home when they come to a bridge.
“Mick,” says Paddy, “do you fancy a nice bit of salmon for your supper?”
“I would that!” says Mick. “And we’d have enough for a nice breakfast too, judging by the size of the one that fella had in the bar.”
“OK,” says Paddy. “Hang me over the side of the bridge and I’ll pick a choice couple out.”
After ten minutes, Mick’s arms are beginning to ache.
“Paddy, have you got a fish yet?”
“No, not yet. Keep hanging on.”
Ten minutes later, Mick’s muscles are on fire.
“Paddy, have you got a fish yet? My arms are aching!”
“No, not yet. Keep hanging on.”
Ten more minutes pass, and Mick is in absolute agony.
“By God, Paddy, have you got a fish yet? My arms are killing me!”
“Not yet, not yet. Just keep hanging on.”
Suddenly, Paddy shouts in a panic:
“Mick! Mick! Pull me up quick, Mick!”
“Have you got a fish?”
“No! There’s a train coming!”
A man walks in, places a large, damp-looking parcel on the bar, and orders a pint.
Curious, Paddy asks him, “So, what’ve you got in the parcel then?”
“Have a look,” the man says, unwrapping it—and there, sat on the bar, is an enormous, beautiful salmon.
“By God,” says Paddy, “that’s a fine fish. Where on earth did you get that?”
“Well, it’s spawning time, and the fish are making their way upriver. There are hundreds of them. You don’t even need a rod—you can just pick them out.”
“Is that a fact!” says Paddy, impressed. “I tell you, I wouldn’t mind one or two of them for myself.”
Later on, Paddy and Mick are making their unsteady way home when they come to a bridge.
“Mick,” says Paddy, “do you fancy a nice bit of salmon for your supper?”
“I would that!” says Mick. “And we’d have enough for a nice breakfast too, judging by the size of the one that fella had in the bar.”
“OK,” says Paddy. “Hang me over the side of the bridge and I’ll pick a choice couple out.”
After ten minutes, Mick’s arms are beginning to ache.
“Paddy, have you got a fish yet?”
“No, not yet. Keep hanging on.”
Ten minutes later, Mick’s muscles are on fire.
“Paddy, have you got a fish yet? My arms are aching!”
“No, not yet. Keep hanging on.”
Ten more minutes pass, and Mick is in absolute agony.
“By God, Paddy, have you got a fish yet? My arms are killing me!”
“Not yet, not yet. Just keep hanging on.”
Suddenly, Paddy shouts in a panic:
“Mick! Mick! Pull me up quick, Mick!”
“Have you got a fish?”
“No! There’s a train coming!”
finbad
Formerly known as Hi-Finthen
Guy bursts into a bar, practically skidding to a halt in front of the bartender.
The man's eyes are wild, his voice shaky as he demands, "Quick, give me 10 shots of your
strongest whiskey."
Caught off guard the bartender hesitates for a second, but the desperate expression convinces him to move fast.
Setting up 10 shot glasses neatly on the bar he begins filling each as the customer downs one after another as soon as it's poured, his hand trembling slightly with his face contorting with each burning gulp.
The bartender watches this all in disbelief, his brow furrowed with concern.
After the fifth shot the bartender cautions his customer, "take it easy man you're gonna make yourself sick."
Barely pausing between shots to gasp, "Sick? You'd be drinking this fast too if you only had what I have."
Now the bartenders concern turns to alarm and outright worry.
"Must be bad news, why what do you have?"
The man slams back the final shot, face flushed, and slowly, dramatically raises his eyes to meet the bartenders gaze...
For the moment there is a tense silence - finally the man replies... "Fifty cents."
(bada bing bouncer noises)
The man's eyes are wild, his voice shaky as he demands, "Quick, give me 10 shots of your
strongest whiskey."
Caught off guard the bartender hesitates for a second, but the desperate expression convinces him to move fast.
Setting up 10 shot glasses neatly on the bar he begins filling each as the customer downs one after another as soon as it's poured, his hand trembling slightly with his face contorting with each burning gulp.
The bartender watches this all in disbelief, his brow furrowed with concern.
After the fifth shot the bartender cautions his customer, "take it easy man you're gonna make yourself sick."
Barely pausing between shots to gasp, "Sick? You'd be drinking this fast too if you only had what I have."
Now the bartenders concern turns to alarm and outright worry.
"Must be bad news, why what do you have?"
The man slams back the final shot, face flushed, and slowly, dramatically raises his eyes to meet the bartenders gaze...
For the moment there is a tense silence - finally the man replies... "Fifty cents."
(bada bing bouncer noises)
Do people driving electric cars listen to AC/DC or something current ?
finbad
Formerly known as Hi-Finthen
An old lady wins a small amount in the lottery and decides to do something she always wanted to do
by getting a tattoo of her favorite singer, Elvis, on the inside of her thigh.
The tattooist gets to work - when finished he asks the lady to take a look.
Frowning she says: "That doesn't look anything like my idol Elvis."
Wanting to fix this situation and save the sale the tattooist asks her to remove her bloomers for better access.
He then proceeds to tattoo Elvis on her other thigh.
Finished, he asks her again what she thinks.
It still looks nothing like my idol Elvis.
Determined to prove his work, the tattooist says, "I'll get someone from outside to give us an objective opinion."
"If they say the famous singer can't be recognized, I'll give you your money back."
Stepping outside he brings in a passerby off the street to give his objective opinion if the famous singer can be identified.
The lady shows the tattoos to the stranger by spreading her legs as the observer squints and studies the work
supposably of a famous singer.
Finally, he says, "Well I don't know who the one on the left thigh is - I don't know who the singer on the right thigh could be either, but the one in the center is definitely Willie Nelson !"
by getting a tattoo of her favorite singer, Elvis, on the inside of her thigh.
The tattooist gets to work - when finished he asks the lady to take a look.
Frowning she says: "That doesn't look anything like my idol Elvis."
Wanting to fix this situation and save the sale the tattooist asks her to remove her bloomers for better access.
He then proceeds to tattoo Elvis on her other thigh.
Finished, he asks her again what she thinks.
It still looks nothing like my idol Elvis.
Determined to prove his work, the tattooist says, "I'll get someone from outside to give us an objective opinion."
"If they say the famous singer can't be recognized, I'll give you your money back."
Stepping outside he brings in a passerby off the street to give his objective opinion if the famous singer can be identified.
The lady shows the tattoos to the stranger by spreading her legs as the observer squints and studies the work
supposably of a famous singer.
Finally, he says, "Well I don't know who the one on the left thigh is - I don't know who the singer on the right thigh could be either, but the one in the center is definitely Willie Nelson !"
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“I believe the point of comedy is to continually reveal that there are ulterior realms, inviting us to play, to laugh, and to explore the absurdity of life, all while acknowledging that we're mortal beings navigating a rollercoaster of highs and lows.”
Dance like no one is watching
Sing like no one is listening
Love like youve never been hurt
And f*ck like a goddamn retard
Sing like no one is listening
Love like youve never been hurt
And f*ck like a goddamn retard
They play Eddie Grant's song "Electric Avenue" on repeat.
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