Corny Jokes - the more the merrier

[wuwhere]

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversations
with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing.

It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he
thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.

Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging
in a purely professional consultation."

"So I can well imagine," said his wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"

 

[g4ndr1k]

A flamboyant man comes to his doctor and says:

“Hi Doc… well, every time I touch my elbow—uuuuuhhh, so painful.
When I touch my leg—uuuuuhhh, painful.
My head—uuuuuhhh, hurts so bad.
Even my belly—uuuuuhhh, pain again!

Doc, do you think I have fibromyalgia?”

The doctor looks at him and replies,

“No… I’m afraid you’ve got a broken finger.”

 

[finbad]

A bus full of politicians were travelling the back roads of Appalachia when suddenly they swerved off the road down an embankment turning over several times before coming to rest in a farmers field.

The old grizzled farmer went out to look at the tangled crash and the damage done to his crop.

A few days latter the county sheriff went out to investigate the crash asking the old farmer what happened to all the politicians?

The farmer said he had buried their bodies in his field.

The sheriff was surprised by this and asked, " they were all dead then?'

The old man goes, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

 

[g4ndr1k]

A not-so-bright man decided to go ice fishing. He’d read plenty of books on the subject, and after gathering all the necessary gear, he headed to the nearest frozen "lake".

After setting up his comfy stool, he began cutting a hole in the ice. Suddenly, a voice boomed from the sky:

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the man moved a little farther down the lake, cracked open a beer, and started cutting a new hole. Again, the voice thundered:

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Now clearly rattled, the man made his way to the far end of the ice, downed another beer, and began cutting yet another hole. Once more, the voice echoed:

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

He paused, looked up toward the sky, and asked,

“Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied,
“No, I’m the ice rink manager.”

 

[finbad]

Walking down the subdivisions street our guy notices a small boy trying to ring the doorbell of a home.

Even jumping the small boy could not quite reach the doorbell.

Being helpful our guy goes over and rings the doorbell for the kid and says, "What now?"

Little kid goes, "Now we run like hell."

 

[g4ndr1k]

Flying Rules

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. Flying isn’t inherently dangerous. It’s crashing that’s dangerous.

3. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, they get bigger again—quickly, very quickly.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, you’ll see the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A “good” landing is one you can walk away from. A “great” landing is one after which the airplane can still be used.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.

12. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero, the ground always wins.

13. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience usually comes from bad judgment.

14. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

15. Gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to appeal.

16. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

17. The three most useless things to a pilot are: the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and the moment a tenth of a second ago.

18. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

19. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone talks about might be another airplane going the other way. Also, mountains hide in clouds.

20. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you’ve made.

21. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

22. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

23. If all you can see out of the window is ground going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion from the passenger cabin—things are not as they should be.

24. When in doubt, take the train. They may crash more, but at least they don’t fall out of the sky.

 

[finbad]

There was this prissy, prim and proper finely dressed city lawyer walking the fields in the countryside hunting duck.

Finally sneaking up on these ducks the lawyer raises his hunting rifle and shoots one duck out of the sky which falls to the ground just on the other side of the fence.

Just as the lawyer climbs over the fence to retrieve his prize an old farmer calls out, "Hey, whatcha think ya doin' over here on my land dag-nab-it !

The lawyer says, "I'm one of the best lawyers in this state and if you don't let me keep my duck, I'll sue you for everything you got and I'll win 'cause my daddies the county judge."

Considering this the farmer say, "Aww hell why don't we just settle this the old fashioned way, the three kick rule.

I've never heard of such a thing says the lawyer.

Well we each get three kicks until one of us gives up and the other wins the duck.

Not willing to back down now, the lawyer says, " O.K. that sounds fair."

Farmer says, " I'll go first ." and proceeds to kick the lawyer in the groin, then in the stomach and with the lawyer bent over, finally in the butt as the lawyer lands face first into a cow pie.

The lawyer rises to his feet preparing to reciprocate, when the farmer goes, "O.K. you win, now you can have the duck."

 

[g4ndr1k]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of the story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump, and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only eight of the twelve eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

 

[wuwhere]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny.
"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny,
"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

 

[g4ndr1k]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver's door.

'Is there a problem, officer?'

'You were speeding, sir. Can I see your license, please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you, but I don't have one. I've lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration documents, please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point, the officer is getting irate.
'You did what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The policeman looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for urgent assistance.
Within minutes, five police cars, including an armed response team, show up, surrounding the car.
The armed response team leader slowly approaches the car, clasping his Glock.

'Sir, step out of your vehicle, please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem?' he asks, puzzled.

'You told my colleague that you stole this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

'Open the boot of your car, please.'

The man opens the boot, revealing only an empty space. Definitely no body.

'Is this your car, sir?' the ART leader asks.

'Why, yes,' the man replies and hands over the registration document.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.'

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
'Thank you, sir. My colleague reported that you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner. My apologies.'

The man replies, 'I bet you he told you I was speeding, too!'

 

[finbad]

Why did the Rhode Island Red Chicken cross the road?

Hey, it's still a free country, mind your own damned business.

 

[g4ndr1k]

A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls silent.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter.
The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy replies,
“Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

[finbad]

After the operation the doctor comes in and says:

"I have good news, you will be able to see your family tomorrow."

"But doctor my entire family is dead."

"I know."

 

[Pharmaboy]

The anxious patient awaits the doctor's news about his cancer tests.

The doctor says, "I have bad news, then some really bad news. Which would you like first?"

The man answers, "I guess start with the bad news."

"OK," the doctor replies. "Test shows you have a rare form of cancer that is uniformly fatal. Patients typically die within 72 hours of diagnosis."

The man sobs, muttering, "What news could possibly be worse than that?"

The doctor smiles. "We tried to contact you for three days."

 

[g4ndr1k]

Paddy had a job as a postman, and one Monday morning, he was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that, oddly, both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short when Murphy, the homeowner, came out carrying a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Jesus, Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,” Paddy commented.

Murphy, clearly in pain, replied, “Actually, it was Saturday night… This is the first time I’ve felt like moving since 4 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun, and things got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing… ‘Who Am I?’”

The postman thought for a moment and asked, “How the hell do you play Who Am I?”

“Well,” Murphy said, “all the men go into the bedroom and come out one at a time covered in a sheet, with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The postman laughed and said, “Bloody hell! Sounds like fun—I’m sorry I missed it!”

Murphy looked at him and said, “Probably a good thing you did, Pad…
Your feckin’ name came up seven times!”