Corny Jokes - the more the merrier
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His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
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Pharmaboy
Headphoneus Supremus
A young ventriloquist is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on one knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in this way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but against women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little a*shole sitting on your knee!"
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little a*shole sitting on your knee!"
Pharmaboy
Headphoneus Supremus
One liners from the greatest of them all--Rodney Dangerfield:
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. So I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My only bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
8. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she didn't want that kind of relationship.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. So I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My only bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
8. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she didn't want that kind of relationship.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news.
I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.
He said okay, you're ugly too.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
You should need a license to be that ugly.
Girl: Why are you so ugly?
Boy: I'm you from the future.
You want an insult? Right, look at the mirror.
Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.
A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?
A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
Don't feel sad, don't feel blue,
Frankenstein was ugly too.
You're so ugly, even Hello Kitty says goodbye.
Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work
Tattoos are like babies. You don't dare tell the truth and say they're ugly.
Staring at an eclipse without glasses is much less painful than looking at your face.
If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled "Beauty and the Beast" you shouldn't ask her which one is which.
So sorry I asked if your makeup was by Picasso.
She's so ugly, because when she fell out of the ugly tree, she hit every branch on the way down.
A tire.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news.
I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.
He said okay, you're ugly too.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
You should need a license to be that ugly.
Girl: Why are you so ugly?
Boy: I'm you from the future.
You want an insult? Right, look at the mirror.
Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.
A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?
A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!
Don't feel sad, don't feel blue,
Frankenstein was ugly too.
You're so ugly, even Hello Kitty says goodbye.
Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work
Tattoos are like babies. You don't dare tell the truth and say they're ugly.
Staring at an eclipse without glasses is much less painful than looking at your face.
If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled "Beauty and the Beast" you shouldn't ask her which one is which.
So sorry I asked if your makeup was by Picasso.
She's so ugly, because when she fell out of the ugly tree, she hit every branch on the way down.
Last edited:
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... well, it was just collecting dust.
I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it's hard to understand him - he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Beggars.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!"
What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
The best time to open a gift is the present.
What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
Q: What did the oceans say to the each other? A: Nothing, they just waved.
If the koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
What underwear do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent? Because it told him to keep his whites and colors separate.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells.
I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Fishermen are reel men.
Why did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"
Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... well, it was just collecting dust.
I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it's hard to understand him - he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Beggars.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? HIGH-Definition.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!"
What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash? Sum Ting Wong.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
The best time to open a gift is the present.
What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.
Q: What did the oceans say to the each other? A: Nothing, they just waved.
If the koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
What underwear do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"
I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
I hate peer pressure and you should too.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent? Because it told him to keep his whites and colors separate.
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells.
I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Fishermen are reel men.
Why did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? Cause he had 'no body' to dance with.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came... Then it hit me!
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.
I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colourful language
There's safety in Numbers, but I prefer Deuteronomy.
Cells multiply by dividing.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish!
The person who invented the door knocker won the No-bell prize.
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
My pencil is gone. It's pointless though.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I would make jokes about the oceans, but they are too deep.
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thankfully, it's negative.
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."
Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.
I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.
I caught my neighborhood stealing my red food dye... When he was caught red handed he said "I'm gonna dye".
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".
Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...
Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle.
Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.
I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.
Can February March? No, but April May!
I thought I understood the meaning of "When Pigs Fly" but then... the swine flu.
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3. Unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.
What sound does a train make when it's eating?... Chew chew...
Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!
Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? St. O'Claus!
What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea.
This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.
What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A hot dog!
The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.
Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.
I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.
I wanted to make a joke about thieves, but I was scared it would get stolen.
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
Stories of untold sufferring never stay that way.
When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: "Where to Stay on Vacation" by Moe Tell.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
Why doesn't the bike stand by itself? Because it's two tired.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom? Cause he had 'no body' to dance with.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came... Then it hit me!
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.
I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Why don't oysters share their pearls? Because they're shellfish.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colourful language
There's safety in Numbers, but I prefer Deuteronomy.
Cells multiply by dividing.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A: A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can't tuna fish!
The person who invented the door knocker won the No-bell prize.
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
My pencil is gone. It's pointless though.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I would make jokes about the oceans, but they are too deep.
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thankfully, it's negative.
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!
They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it...
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."
Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.
What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.
I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.
What did the vegan say? I made a big missed steak.
I caught my neighborhood stealing my red food dye... When he was caught red handed he said "I'm gonna dye".
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always".
Why did the robot go on summer vacation? He needed to recharge his batteries.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn't have one. I always knew he was a little dull...
Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle.
Why do people litter? Because they dont take the litter signs litterally.
I wonder why there are locks on the doors of Seven-Eleven when it says they are open 24/7.
Can February March? No, but April May!
I thought I understood the meaning of "When Pigs Fly" but then... the swine flu.
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3. Unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
What was the barristas favourite part about being arrested? The mug shots.
What sound does a train make when it's eating?... Chew chew...
Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!
Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? St. O'Claus!
What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time no sea.
This morning my alarm went off, I thought it's sell-by date was tomorrow.
What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A hot dog!
The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.
Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly...
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.
I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.
I wanted to make a joke about thieves, but I was scared it would get stolen.
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
Stories of untold sufferring never stay that way.
When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain't it?
My dad used to say "Always fight fire with fire." Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con—
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient co…
MOO!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me right now?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
…Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Mary and Abbey.
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Santa.
Santa who?
Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Carmen.
Carmen who?
Carmen let me in already!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Convex.
Convex who?
Convex go to prison!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
I’m excited to see you too!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside—let me in!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you! Hand over your cash!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry—I’m freezing out here!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know what’s taking you so long!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you gonna open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help gettin’ in the door.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business who’s there.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole to see!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in already!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con—
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient co…
MOO!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me right now?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
…Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Mary and Abbey.
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Santa.
Santa who?
Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Carmen.
Carmen who?
Carmen let me in already!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Convex.
Convex who?
Convex go to prison!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
I’m excited to see you too!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside—let me in!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you! Hand over your cash!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry—I’m freezing out here!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know what’s taking you so long!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you gonna open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help gettin’ in the door.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business who’s there.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole to see!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in already!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood and thought I’d come over.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
H.
H who?
Bless you!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who’s knocking!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who’s knocking!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way; I’m coming in!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo who?
Aww, don’t cry—it’s just a joke.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking for 20 minutes!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi ‘cided to come over to play!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know it’s really me unless you open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy bell works again I won’t have to knock anymore.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken you let me in?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Will.
Will who?
Will you just open the door already?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs your doorbell, it’s not working!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood and thought I’d come over.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
H.
H who?
Bless you!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who’s knocking!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who’s knocking!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way; I’m coming in!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo who?
Aww, don’t cry—it’s just a joke.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking for 20 minutes!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi ‘cided to come over to play!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know it’s really me unless you open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy bell works again I won’t have to knock anymore.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken you let me in?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Will.
Will who?
Will you just open the door already?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs your doorbell, it’s not working!
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Hey, Alex the questions around here!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Broken pencil.
Broken pencil who?
Forget it—this joke is pointless.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body going to open the door already?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Somebody who can’t reach the doorbell!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked. Open up!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
From.
From who?
Actually, grammatically speaking you should say “from whom.”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Hey, Alex the questions around here!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Broken pencil.
Broken pencil who?
Forget it—this joke is pointless.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body going to open the door already?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Somebody who can’t reach the doorbell!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked. Open up!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
From.
From who?
Actually, grammatically speaking you should say “from whom.”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
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