[Jussei]

Hey Head-Fi dads,

First, I don't mean to offend any Head-Fi moms out there. I just want to try and get info from members that may have been as clueless as I am now at one point in their lives. Moms seem to know what's going on all the time and have it all figured out (at least it sure seemed like my mom did).
Anyway, I've decided I'd probably better get some tips from those in the know since the day is getting closer and closer to a mini-human entering the world with half my genetic information.
What should I expect in my first year? I've always felt that I'm a very selfish person and I'm sure that this is going to need to change drastically. I've got my own little audio sanctuary I escape to for parts of most all days. I'm pretty anti-social and not very helpful around the house. I don't know how to cook, change a diaper, or appease an upset child. Basically I can smash bugs, open jars, and drink any beer that may need to be drank around the house.
Did you keep your sanity for the first year? If so, how? My wife and I will both be working (although she'll only be working 3 days a week for the first year probably).
I still want to be able to enjoy music while having this little lady around so I've begun setting up audio systems in all rooms so I can listen to Coltrane while changing diapers in the baby's room or rock the baby to sleep with some Mogwai in the living room. The rule was when we decided to get pregnant, complete 2 channel systems in EVERY room. It was a pretty sweet deal.

Anyway, back to the original point/question. Do you have any tips or suggestions that could make my life easier this coming October?
Finally a bit more jovial question, any Head-Fieque names that I could run past my wife for this little girl to be? It's not as though we are big enough doofs to name our daughter what is suggested on an internet headphone forum, but I'd be interested in suggestions.

 

[Zanth]

Kids are the most demanding project known to mankind. They cost a lot, demand much of your time in the early years and without the genetically predisposed cuteness factor, we adults would kill them off like preying mantices decapitate their mates. Babies = sick form of torture! Sleep deprevation, total commitment without returns until they are 6 months old, expensive, expensive, and expensive. They also smell bad! Worst of all they make listening to music VERY difficult when they are throwing tantrums, sleeping, crying, sleeping, eating, sleeping, crying or pooping.

Other than that, having kids is great

I was like you, antisocial, wasn't really wanting/willing to the child rearing thing but something came over me when I saw and held my son for the first time. It was magic and I don't regret the struggles. Now then, when my daughter came along...what a nightmare! She is a TON of work!

Doing the baby things was old hat for me because I have 3 younger brothers, but the demand on my time was and still is great. My saving grace was an ipod and some Westone UM2's Portable audio bliss any time any place. I didn't and still don't have the luxury of a full scale 2 chan in every room let alone a headphone system in each room.

Despite all the struggles the first time your child smiles at you, the first time your daughter runs to you for a hug and a snuggle, a kiss and an "I love you" is the moment you will forget about all the tension, all the torture and all the pain and realize that the sacrifice is rewarded a millionfold. At least in their childhood years. My oldest is 4, so I can't say how they turn out as teenagers. If they turn out like my brothers did during their adolescence I'll just sell mine and buy an Orpheus

 

[kramer5150]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Its not that bad... the sleepless nights are brutal, but once you get used to it its not that bad. The second baby is MUCH more difficult.

God... where to begin...??

Good move, setting up music listening stations. I swear, portable head-Fi became my little sanctuary that I could take with me everywhere. Nothing like some Marillion, Sade, Sting, Enya, Spyro Gyra, Allen Parsons, Floyd...etc... to really relax the nerves. I usually had a small creative MP3 player and my Alessandro MS2 to help chill me out at 3AM.

Always...ALWAYS listen to your wife for critical items. Mom knows best... PERIOD, she's the coach and you're the player. Seriously, as men we are CLUELESS when it comes to infant parenting. Tickle wrestle, WE got that, hugs / kisses and smoochy time... WE got that too. Tummy-time... thats Daddy's specialty. But when it comes to more nurturing, tender, calming kinds of things, thats what Moms are for. Mom is KING!!

Just ENJOY the baby, it goes by SOOO fast. Enjoy the diaper training, the first crawl, first step, first burp, the smell of his/her clothes, the soft cheeks, the first laugh, the first car ride, the first headphone listening experience, Cuddling and comforting each other late at night. First Christmas, halloween and birthday.

Just enjoy it it goes by so fast.... And occasionally, theres the What!!!?? moment... Get used to that too. LOL



*edit* Oh its a girl...COOL!!! baby girls are a blast, the emotional, heart-felt bond between my girl and I is unlike anything I can put into words. I kid you not... there were times my daughter would be restless at night. But the smell of my B.O. was calming to her

, so I'd take my dirty sweat socks and T-shirt and place them next to her in the crib, she would wrap them around her nose and fall asleep... WHOA!!

 

[Blutarsky]

Justin,

Fantastic news, congrats!

Man, I felt the same way you do now. I was sure I was completely unprepared for fatherhood. Fortunately, its in you - despite the apprehension you feel at this moment, you will completely and utterly comprehend your place in this world at the moment you first lay eyes on your child. You will also understand what it means to truly live for someone else.

I wish I hadn't waited so long to figure this out. I had my first child at an advanced age...I have two now (4 and 6) - they bring me more joy than anything else in my life.

Sure you won't know everything and you'll make mistakes but much like head-fi, you'll research and discuss until you understand and are able to make informed choices. This is the ultimate DIY project. Enjoy.

Sorry, not going to be any help on the "head-fi-esque" names - didn't get my way in this regard and I won't fill you with false hope...

Tip: Dave Koz put out a lullaby album, "Golden Slumbers: A Father's Lullaby" - buy it, you and your daughter will love it.

Oh forgot to add the most important tip; mama is almost always right and for those times she isn't -bite your tongue.

V/r,
Scott

 

[Uncle Erik]

I haven't fathered one yet, but have been constantly around three little ones for years now. My sister and brother-in-law live less than a mile from me, so I've been around through most of it.

Keep an eye on the practical stuff, like cooking and cleaning. If you think you're busy now, just wait until the baby shows up. You'll get the swarm of helpful relatives for the first few weeks, but then the grind will set in. If you can hire someone to clean the house once a week, do it. If a neighbor has a kid 10-15 or so, grab him/her and pay them to do laundry, vacuum, mow the lawn, dishes, whatever. You're going to be too tired to do a lot of this. Ask friends/relatives if you can give them money and combine your grocery list with theirs for the first few months. That sort of thing will really help.

Also consider that you'll practically be shut-ins for the first six months. New audio toys are a good idea, but you might want to stockpile some new music, DVDs, board games, whatever keeps you entertained.

Try to set aside time for you and your wife. Don't feel guilty about leaving her with relatives and taking your wife out to dinner.

Head-Fi names? I think a little Patricia82 would be cute!

 

[Jussei]

I knew I'd have some great responses when I got up this morning and got to work.
Thanks everyone for your words.

I really don't know what to expect, but I'm sure I'll adapt. I knew there were some great fathers around here from my times reading posts on here.
I figured that you'd chime in Kramer as I've read multiple posts from you going on about the little ones.

@Kramer:If I've learned anything it's to listen to my wife and I'm sure this situation will be one of the most important times to follow that rule! I was really excited by the whole girl thing. My parents and my wife figured I'd be a little upset when we found out it wasn't a boy. I have no idea where this came from. I'm not a huge sports advocate, I like them and I'd like my kids to play regardless of sex, but it's not something that I feel is extremely vital. So the sex is pretty meaningless to me as far as that goes. I don't know why it was assumed that I would prefer a boy and although I never actually mentioned it, I was hoping for a girl just so I wouldn't try and live vicariously through the child. I could help her excel at whatever she chose to do without having preconceived paths that I think she could/should take (although I'm sure I wouldn't force anything on my child, either sex - I just feel I'd be more apt to push a boy toward the electronics/technology hobbies that I'm interested in). I'll have to remember the BO thing. It works for my dog too. We men have magic scents!

@UncleErik: I hadn't thought about stockpiling media. I've been stockpiling gear, because as you said, it's probably not a good idea to be buying and setting up in the first months. I've been picking up some vintage pieces and other odds and ends that I figure I'll be able to play with if I can't leave the house. I'll have to start hitting CD/record stores hard in the next few months
There are some responsible neighbors next door, I'll have to look into having them help out.
I'll have to run Patricia82 past the wife. I liked Pico, but she probably won't go for that (and I think someone already named their dog that)

.

@Scott: Thanks for the kind words. My wife and I are 'older' I suppose. When the baby is born I'll be almost 28 and my wife will be almost 33. I wanted to wait until we were both financially comfortable because I REALLY didn't want to add a stress like that such an intense situation in the first place. Are your 4 and 6 year olds girls, boys, both? I'll be ordering the Koz CD per your recommendation. I just looked it up on Amazon and I'm sure I'd love it. I'm already making Jazz playlists for the both of us to listen to during the late, sleepless nights.

@Zanth: So do you have a boy and a girl? I made a deal with my wife if we had a girl that I'll take care of her from ages 0-9 and she has to deal with 9 on. As a high school teacher observing 13-15 year old girls daily, they have to be the most difficult to understand things on earth. Jill hates Sally this week, they are best friends next week, then Jill talks about Sally's shoes and steals her boyfriend, now they hate each other again and Sally creates an elaborate scheme to make the whole school hate Jill and so on... with boys, it's Bob hate Bill, Bob punches Bill, they are now over their problems and go back to being friends. Hmm... if yours doesn't turn out how you are planning and we end up having trouble with our daughter maybe we can work out a trade? I can add cash or some nice silver interconnects along with her if she turns out really bad.

Anyway, thanks for all of the advice/tips. Feel free to keep them coming as I'm eager to hear them.

 

[nor_spoon]

The first three months are hell on earth! Then, it gets worse

Haven't slept in eight months. First my hair turned grey. Now it's falling off. I have become a fat, bold, broke old man in under a year. Nah, just kidding, but I think the hair has turned more gray the last months. But that could also be the outcome of my membership here

Good luck, and congratulations. It's scary in many ways, but I haven't met someone yet, that regrets having children

 

[KYTGuy]

Congratulations!

Now, before the baby is born, pick out "Your" music, music that you and the Wife like very much. Pick out mostly Instrumental, mostly calming music that is not too explosive or peaky, just nicely complex, melodic stuff.

During the Third Trimester, play that music just a little loud at first each session, then fading it out as the Mom and baby rest/go to sleep.

Also read/talk/tell stories on occasion, "To the Tummy".

Both of these practices will provide you with a Handy Dandy Calmative for the Child (Mom and You too)for the months after birth, where the baby is tired and fussy, but nothing is really wrong. The baby will begin to become an audiophile and will listen to His/Her Favorite music and go to sleep/rest more calmly when the music you have chosen is on. When you first meet face to face, your baby will know your voice nearly as well as Mommy's, and will tend to like hearing you, and will tend to calm and listen to you.

Plan on listening to your best Canalphones ONLY when Mommy and Baby are GONE or you are out of the house, as nothing makes Mommy madder than needing your help, and not being able to get your attention. You will be accused of "IGNORING" her/their needs, and that is really hard label to outlive/correct.

Being a Mommy is crushingly hard burden, and it switches on, and then only lets up (little by little) MANY YEARS later. You know how often that little mess-up you did when you were just together gets brought up??? Try real hard not to add to the list too many items while you are a New Daddy, or it will hurt ya.

Understand that your budget will skew strongly in favor of the purchase of many forms of blow molded, brightly colored, petrochemicals, and plan on having more than you can haul at any one time in whatever vehicle you now own.

You may have to consider a bigger volume/lower power/weight ratio vehicle. Buy one with Vinyl upholstery (they are easier to clean, and hold odors less).

Most Important: Take more time off in the Baby's First Year, so as to help Mom with the burden. As soon as the Breast Feeding is over, plan on "Mommy's Day Out" at least once every two weeks at minimum.

Take more time off in the first three years of Baby's life, as those are the most eventful/changing and they are fun to help program the little pupae towards "Peoplehood". Indeen, I am sure that the Adult the child becomes is most shaped by what she/he soaks in from Mom and Dad in those oh so quick first three.

There are a million things more to speak of, but really they are for you two to discover and explore. It is a real trip, and is the real reason you are on this earth. Do your best, and you will not regret it. I am old now, and my one and only child is now in Iraq, in the USAF. She is the source of so much pride and joy in our lives.

Threads like these are fun/sweet/wistful for me, and they bring up so many cherished memories - thanks for asking us, but only you and your Wife really know what is right.

Make careful choices, don't beat yourselves up too much when you make mistakes, and ENJOY THE RIDE!

 

[Jussei]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nor_spoon /img/forum/go_quote.gif The first three months are hell on earth! Then, it gets worse Haven't slept in eight months. First my hair turned grey. Now it's falling off. I have become a fat, bold, broke old man in under a year. Nah, just kidding, but I think the hair has turned more gray the last months. But that could also be the outcome of my membership here Good luck, and congratulations. It's scary in many ways, but I haven't met someone yet, that regrets having children

Had my first grey hair at about 21 and started thinning at around 24, so I can't be much more defeated in that area!

 

[Jussei]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KYTGuy /img/forum/go_quote.gif Congratulations! Now, before the baby is born, pick out "Your" music, music that you and the Wife like very much. Pick out mostly Instrumental, mostly calming music that is not too explosive or peaky, just nicely complex, melodic stuff. During the Third Trimester, play that music just a little loud at first each session, then fading it out as the Mom and baby rest/go to sleep. Also read/talk/tell stories on occasion, "To the Tummy". Both of these practices will provide you with a Handy Dandy Calmative for the Child (Mom and You too)for the months after birth, where the baby is tired and fussy, but nothing is really wrong. The baby will begin to become an audiophile and will listen to His/Her Favorite music and go to sleep/rest more calmly when the music you have chosen is on. When you first meet face to face, your baby will know your voice nearly as well as Mommy's, and will tend to like hearing you, and will tend to calm and listen to you. Plan on listening to your best Canalphones ONLY when Mommy and Baby are GONE or you are out of the house, as nothing makes Mommy madder than needing your help, and not being able to get your attention. You will be accused of "IGNORING" her/their needs, and that is really hard label to outlive/correct. Being a Mommy is crushingly hard burden, and it switches on, and then only lets up (little by little) MANY YEARS later. You know how often that little mess-up you did when you were just together gets brought up??? Try real hard not to add to the list too many items while you are a New Daddy, or it will hurt ya. Understand that your budget will skew strongly in favor of the purchase of many forms of blow molded, brightly colored, petrochemicals, and plan on having more than you can haul at any one time in whatever vehicle you now own. You may have to consider a bigger volume/lower power/weight ratio vehicle. Buy one with Vinyl upholstery (they are easier to clean, and hold odors less). Most Important: Take more time off in the Baby's First Year, so as to help Mom with the burden. As soon as the Breast Feeding is over, plan on "Mommy's Day Out" at least once every two weeks at minimum. Take more time off in the first three years of Baby's life, as those are the most eventful/changing and they are fun to help program the little pupae towards "Peoplehood". Indeen, I am sure that the Adult the child becomes is most shaped by what she/he soaks in from Mom and Dad in those oh so quick first three. There are a million things more to speak of, but really they are for you two to discover and explore. It is a real trip, and is the real reason you are on this earth. Do your best, and you will not regret it. I am old now, and my one and only child is now in Iraq, in the USAF. She is the source of so much pride and joy in our lives. Threads like these are fun/sweet/wistful for me, and they bring up so many cherished memories - thanks for asking us, but only you and your Wife really know what is right. Make careful choices, don't beat yourselves up too much when you make mistakes, and ENJOY THE RIDE!

Thanks for that very through and thoughtful post. Does the baby really respond to/understand sounds in the womb and effectively interpret them when outside? I've always thought things like this were fascinating. I've got my BS in biology and I'm nearing a masters. I'm using the whole pregnancy thing as an extra biology course (I'll have to see if I can get any credit hours for it later

) and I've been learning a lot along the way.
My wife and I have been planning for awhile so we've got appropriate vehicles (bungee cords hold babies to motorcycles, right?) and we've got the baby's room pretty much set up and ready to go. Fortunately, my sister had a child 9 months ago and my wife's sister had one around that same time, so we will be able to acquire many used goodies.
As a teacher, things should be good as far as time off as the school is very understanding with paternal leave. I think I've got about 50 paid days I can use next year, which will be nice. These are sick days that I've accrued while teaching, so I won't use nearly all of them, but 50% or so shouldn't be a problem.
Like you said, it's an adventure that you really have to take yourself and I guess I'll see where it leads me.
Best of wishes to your daughter in Iraq, she seems like she has a great parent in you.

 

[ecclesand]

Congrats! Pretty much everything has already been covered so I won't reiterate. I have 2 myself....a boy (7) and a girl (4). Both have developmental disabilities (Autism and ADHD), however, they are completely different. Sure they can be pains in the butt with the whining, fighting, mess making, etc., but I wouldn't trade them for anything! My only piece of advice is to enjoy the time you have with just one child because once you have 2, the dynamic changes and the balance of power in the household shifts to the kids.

 

[Zanth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jussei /img/forum/go_quote.gif @Zanth: So do you have a boy and a girl? I made a deal with my wife if we had a girl that I'll take care of her from ages 0-9 and she has to deal with 9 on. As a high school teacher observing 13-15 year old girls daily, they have to be the most difficult to understand things on earth. Jill hates Sally this week, they are best friends next week, then Jill talks about Sally's shoes and steals her boyfriend, now they hate each other again and Sally creates an elaborate scheme to make the whole school hate Jill and so on... with boys, it's Bob hate Bill, Bob punches Bill, they are now over their problems and go back to being friends. Hmm... if yours doesn't turn out how you are planning and we end up having trouble with our daughter maybe we can work out a trade? I can add cash or some nice silver interconnects along with her if she turns out really bad.

I do have a boy and a girl. Thankfully my son is older so I'll have a dry run with him first and even though simply based on both of their personalities at this stage my wife and I realize our daughter will be MUCH harder to handle, we feel very blessed our son came first to at least give us a bit of experience. She is very strong willed, stubborn and hot and cold. One minute she loves something, the next she hates something. I am dreading the teenage years. What you described seems nightmarish regarding t/w/eens and if my daughter is already running the house

I fear what will result in 12 years. My son on the other hand is a "made to please" kinda kid and he's very very docile, rather introverted and quiet. He is very much like me, our daughter very much like my wife.

My best friend is expecting a son in August. This will be his first child. He has been diametrically opposed to the idea of diapers. He is excited to laugh and play with his son. Bottle feedings at 2 am? No problem. Rock the baby for 3 hours during collic? Again, no problem. Poopy diaper? "Honey, you're up!"

What I told him is that once you see your child any hesitations in changing soiled drawers or holding a fragile creature, or interacting with a new person quickly dissipate because this person was created by you and you immediately love them. True for most men, their connection with the child only really begins when they hold the baby for the first time, whereas mommies have had the luxury of an intimate bond from very early on in the pregnancy; yet it seems that once men do see their child, their attachment is VERY strong. Perhaps not as enthusiastic as a mother's since they have this hardwired momminess in them, but it is there and you will rise to the challenge not because you have to but because you will want to. Not out of duty but out of love. I will say this, out of all the experiences and accomplishments I have had in my life, which without boasting, have been plenty and some quite significant, I will say that holding one of my children while they sleep, realizing they trust me 100%!!! No doubts! My wife can't say she trusts me 100% and I doubt anyone else can besides my children...so they trust me and love me unconditionally and they WANT my warmth and love and just fall asleep and I get to watch them dream. For me it was more rewarding as they were older, once I knew they knew who I was and they demonstrated emotions outside of "I'm wet, I'm cold, "I'm hungry" In fact, I get more joy cuddling my 4 year old son now than I ever did when he was younger. Sometimes when he is not yet ready for bed for instance, he'll ask for story time and if I would hold him rather than me tucking him in. Inevitably he falls asleep and usually within minutes... true bliss. It won't be long now when he will refuse a hug from me as to appear "cool" to friends.

Although when children are young they are the most time demanding, I doubt life is more fruitful than now, watching them experience everything for the first time. This alone is magnificent. To think that you will have the opportunity to introduce entirely new things to your daughter on a daily basis if you so choose! For YEARS you can be the chief source of new adventures. How cool is that?

You enjoy music? Share that with your children. Dance with them as much as possible. Turn off the TV (not saying you would bombard her with TV) and just crank the tunes. I do this every night after dinner with the kids. My wife will get the pj's ready and she will have a shower and I'll take the kids into the living room and we will choose some music (they often pick after I demo some tracks) and we will just boogie on down! Some nights it is jazz, other nights big band, others rock and still others some hard trance or house. Anything that gets them moving. My son (thankfully) knows more about the great composers, jazz masters and rock icons than TV personalities. I hope he will develop this knowledge and further his appreciation for music. My daughter is certainly a dancer! She loves music just as much as he and I hope she too will come to know them as he does and as I do.

I don't spend much time at home...maybe 2 hrs a day during their waking hours so I try to pack in what I can. Music is such a large part of my life and I really try to provide them a sense of wonder for it too.

BTW: good call on the deal from 0-9. Girls are often said to be "daddy's girls" and if you can get that relationship down now...during the easy years, when your wife is dealing with the terror, your daughter will come to you for consolation... just make sure to keep your wife girl number one in the family, otherwise she will become the terror and you will get to deal with her instead

One last thing: after reading KYT's post I must add something, buy whatever audio gear you want NOW. I did this and it was the smartest move I ever made. As he indicated, your buget will skew. Your wife will find the most creative ways to murder your wallet over and over again on things you really feel you and your child will NEVER need but for good health you will agree to purchase. It gets worse when you have one of each gender. It is not termed "the million dollar family" for nothing

 

[santiclaws]

Was that an army or a navy commercial, "The toughest job you'll ever love"? That's parenthood in a nutshell.

Be sure to listen to your boss. She'll instinctively know what to do much better than you will, but you'll be shocked at how much will come naturally to you, as well. We're hard-wired for this stuff.

People talk about the first year being incredibly difficult, and it is, but that is because they don't want to scare you by telling you that it really doesn't get easier, and in many ways gets harder.

What still helps me through the roughest nights, as I type this on three hours' sleep: I think of how much I would give in a few short years to be able to solve all of her problems by simply cradling her in my arms. They are babies for such a short, short time. Enjoy that time, even if it is in the middle of the night. What's a little sleep?

And one more thing: I'm a guy who was very much like you - selfish, an only child, and completely unprepared for fatherhood. Imagine my shock when I found out that we were going to have twins. I now turn my nose up at people who describe raising a single child as being "hard." Ha! As far as I'm concerned, you will have it easy!

 

[Zanth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ecclesand /img/forum/go_quote.gif My only piece of advice is to enjoy the time you have with just one child because once you have 2, the dynamic changes and the balance of power in the household shifts to the kids.

This is solid advice. My wife and I both realized this one as well. During the final months with just our son we really tried to spend as much time and do as many things as we could with him. For a time our daughter took up a good bit of our time and then when she was older and we could collectively go out as a family it was still rough. Two things kept coming into our minds: 1) we missed our "alone time" with our son and 2) we would never get to experience that same singular bond with our daughter or any subsequent child. Unless we have an "oops" late in life when the other two are much much older.

As for the power struggle, so true, right now our daughter is very headstrong and freakin' unruley. She'll tantrum at the drop of a hat, and then provide massive smiles, kisses and hugs 2 seconds later. If she were not female I would say she had bipolar disorder

Yet, my wife and I try for the unified front and we seem to be holding out thus far, any more kids and we are screwed. That's why I've said game over, 2 is enough. I don't need to win all the time but I sure am not about to lose every time either

 

[ecclesand]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zanth /img/forum/go_quote.gif ...right now our daughter is very headstrong and freakin' unruley. She'll tantrum at the drop of a hat, and then provide massive smiles, kisses and hugs 2 seconds later. If she were not female I would say she had bipolar disorder Yet, my wife and I try for the unified front and we seem to be holding out thus far, any more kids and we are screwed. That's why I've said game over, 2 is enough. I don't need to win all the time but I sure am not about to lose every time either

Must be a girl thing. My daughter is manipulative, controlling, tempermental, you name it. Combine all of that with ADHD and we have quite the fireworks in our home. My son is very rigid and requires complete structure for daily activities. He thrives on routine. My daughter on the other hand thrives on chaos and disorder. She knows exactly how to push his buttons. It seems they fight constantly.

One of the thoughts that gets me thru each day is knowing that at some point, they too will have children and I'll get to spoil them rotten and return them. Vindictive? Me? Nah....