[Uncle Erik]

Do you know what a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
 
Someone is going to lose a trailer.

 

[Nocturnal310]

i am reading some of the lamest jokes ever told by a human being
 

 

[Uncle Erik]

Quote:

i am reading some of the lamest jokes ever told by a human being
 

Then there was this guy who stopped seeing his fortune teller because she was so depressing.

He went to another, but she was depressing too.
 
He just couldn't find a happy medium.

 

[sebastian589]

Two atoms were drinking at a bar
 
Atom One shouted "oh my god I just lost and electron!"
 
Atom 2 asked "Are you sure?"
 
Atom 3 replied "I'm positive"
 

 

[Albedo]

Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, but the barman says, "We don't serve string here."

So the second one tries and is turned away in the same way.

The third piece of string lies down on the ground, rolls around, gets itself all frayed and tangled up, then goes and orders a beer.

The barman, by now exasperated, demands, "Look, are you a piece of string?"

And the string replies, "No, I’m a frayed knot."

 

[sebastian589]

 
 
A man finds an old lamp in his parents attic and rubs it to remove the dirt and grime only to have a genie pop out that will grant him three wishes
 
The man first wished to win a million dollars in the lottery, two days later the man finds out his ex-wife won the lottery for TWO million. He asks for a brand new sports car and instead his ex-wife gets TWO sports cars
 
"I will grant you one more wish" the Genie says
 
The frustrated man pauses and thinks hard. He then snaps his fingers and with a grin says
 
"I'd like to donate half of what I got from my divorce settlement to my ex-spouse"

 

[Argyris]

A duck walks into a gas station store and asks the shopkeep, "Got any toilet paper?"
 
The keep tells the duck, "No, this is a gas station. We ain't got no toilet paper."
 
The duck walks into the station the next day and asks, "Got any toilet paper?"
 
The keep, slightly miffed this time, tells the duck, "I told you yesterday, this is a gas station. We ain't got no toilet paper."
 
The duck walks into the station the day after that and asks the same question.
 
The keep, clearly incensed this time, shouts, "I told you once, I tell you again, we ain't got no freakin' toilet paper! Now if you show up here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor to teach you a lesson!"
 
The duck returns the next day and asks the keep, "Got any nails?"
 
"No."
 
"Got any toilet paper?"

 

[Jaggar]

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

 
And that's when the fight started....

 

[Argyris]

Quote:

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

 
And that's when the fight started....

I near snorted right in the middle of my history lecture.

 

[Jaggar]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And that's when the fight started....

 

[majkel]

An unemployed, hopeless man finally got to the zoo. He went to see the manager and told him he was looking for a job but nowhere had found so he came to the zoo then. The manager, surprised at first, got convinced and said to the man: here is a monkey costume, you will play monkey. The man entered the zoo area dressed as the monkey and started to punch his chest, eat bananas and climb the trees. Suddenly a lion went out from a burden and started approaching the man. He tried to keep distance to the lion but when the lion got close enough and there was no place to escape he started to cry:
- Help! Here is a lion! Get me out of here!
So, the lion said to him:
- Unless you shut up instantly, we both will be fired.

 

[Uncle Erik]

A guy goes into a bar with a suitcase.
 
He orders a drink.  Then he opens up the suitcase, pulls out a tiny piano and a little man, a foot tall, jumps out of the suitcase and starts playing the tiny piano.
 
A guy sitting on the next stool says, "that's amazing!  How did you come across the little piano player?"
 
The man with the suitcase responds, "well, I was walking along the beach, came across a lantern, rubbed it, and a genie came out who granted me one wish."
 
The guy on the stool says, "you used your wish to get a little guy who plays the piano?"
 
The man with the suitcase responds, "the genie misunderstood me.  He thought I asked for a 12 inch pianist."

 

[Canuck57]

 
 
"My dog's got no nose!"
 
"How does it smell?
 
"Awful!"
 
Monthy Python's Funniest Joke In the world...
 

 

[Canuck57]

 
Quote:

Quote:
Yeah, but This might be the 2nd worst joke:  Two antennas got married, the ceremony was OK,But the RECEPTION WAS GREAT!!

 

Love that Joke!

 

[dj_mocok]

I don't get the joke. You're lucky I'm not your president or else I'd have you executed.