Okay, so here's the scoop.
The ports were sealed completely shut from the factory with excess glue or something, hence the ridiculous amounts of bass. I gently punctured one side with a needle and managed to free it, but the other side was gunked shut from head-to-toe. When I pushed the needle through that side with more force, it seems to have punctured the bass DD. Now that side literally no longer has bass. Even the side that has "correct" bass doesn't seem to graph like other measurements I've seen from the upper-midrange and up. I let InvisibleInk know about the issue (with an offer for $50 or to keep the Yume that I lent him). For further transparency, here are the measurements:

(labels for full puncture and partial puncture should be swapped)
Whether my impressions still stand, who knows. On one hand, this probably (mostly) fixes the bass bloat issue. But if there's less bass, then my issues with the treble are only likely to be exacerbated. I also largely framed my critiques within the context of the driver configuration itself.
Either way, I think we can all agree that the quality control is not within acceptable parameters with this set. I've seen four or five graphs and they all look different; suffice it to say it's not my problem when a manufacture screws up like this. Purchase at your own risk.