[lumanogin]

what kind of key opens no doors?
- a donkey

 

[Old Pa]

One afternoon, a lawyer and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some extracurricular gymnastics. Afterwards, they both fall asleep. When the lawyer wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening. He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the mud. Then he finishes dressing, sprinkles a few pine needles in his hair and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening? The lawyer calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes and the pine needles in his hair, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

 

[003]

"The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck is the day it starts making vacuum cleaners."

 

[Vicomte]

What's worse than a lobster in your piano?









Crabs, on your organ.

 

[arnoldsoccer4]

John Kerrey walks into a bar, bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[vcoheda]

Here are some classic Steven Wright jokes.

1. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
   
2. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
   
3. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
   
4. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
   
5. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
   
6. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

 

[terrymx]

What do you call a deer with no eye?
A no idea.
--
I hope I don't offend any christians on this one.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Jesus, lol.

 

[caramelsoul]

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrymx /img/forum/go_quote.gif What do you call a deer with no eye? A no idea. --

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs and no c*ck?

Still no feking idea.

 

[caramelsoul]

A window into the mind of a bloke.....

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to
enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...



So I told her to ****** off.

 

[caramelsoul]

And another....


An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by
the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make along story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head

 

[CuriousVoiger]

caramelsoul, you do have some strange sense of humor...

BUMP


OldPA your jokes are always welcome...

 

[1911]

why do head-fiers' have two anuses?

 

[fordgtlover]

caramelsoul,

your jokes rock - and what makes them even funnier to me is that I like to imagine you being just like billy connelly telling the joke - cracks me up even without the joke - there's something extra funny about a scotsman telling a joke. Dunno why.

Anyhoo, here's my joke...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[A<aA?]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?




'where's my tractor!?'

brilliant, i know.

 

[stewtheking]

What do you get if you cross a camel with a leopard?

Fired from the zoo.