Dear Vixr,
What pain you must be feeling. The shock. The questions. And at some point, maybe the anger.
I am so very sorry for the hole in your heart that this has now left. And to be truthful, it may never fully go away, rather, to a degree, you just learn to live with it as a part of who you are and how you will walk through life.
About 10 years ago, I heard someone speak, and this might be of some use to you, it may not, but it has helped me when tragedies and unexpected deaths have occurred in my life.
(and it doesn't matter who you call "God", or if you believe in a god at all. I am a Christian, so it is easy for me to assign Jesus Christ to "God" in this message, but you read this according to your beliefs. It works for all, I believe...)
He said (and I am paraphrasing...)
"you know when you get a big jigsaw puzzle out, and you lay all of the pieces of the puzzle out on a table, and you start to do the puzzle? You usually put the boarder together and you start picking up puzzle pieces, look at the box to see where you think they may fit, and you proceed putting the puzzle together. Then, all of a sudden, you pick up a piece, and you look at the box lid, and you say to yourself, "there is no way this piece is anywhere in this puzzle. It just can't be in here, it isn't right, there must be a mistake," and you set it off to the side. You continue on with the puzzle, and you get towards the end, and look at that piece again, and you still think there is absolutely no way this is going to work. This must have been a piece from another puzzle, mistakenly put into this box. Well, anyhow, you finish the puzzle, and there is a piece missing. You look in the box, under the table, you ask your kids if they took it so they can be the one to put the last piece in, everything, but it can't be found. Then you think, "that odd piece. There is NO way it can be the missing piece. There is NO WAY that can fit in this puzzle." And you put it in, and, behold, it is the final piece, and it falls perfectly into place. When looking at it earlier, there was no way it belonged there, and yet, it completed the big picture puzzle, looked beautiful, and finally made sense.
Your son's passing makes absolutely no sense now.
When you look at Seth's passing, it's like looking at the puzzle piece that absolutely couldn't be in MY puzzle.
"It can't be happening me," you say. "This happens to other families, not mine. This isn't fair, and the anguish is more than I can bear. And God, if your there, why would you POSSIBLY allow this to happen to him, and to us?"
Vixr, it doesn't make sense now, but I believe that some day, (for me, it's when I die and go to heaven) you will see this entire beautiful mosaic: that is you son's life. The meaning of his passing will make sense. You will get to see how this fits into God's plan for Seth, for you, his family, friends, community, and the world. Maybe someone he donated an organ to will live and create a cure to a disease that saves hundreds of thousands of lives. Maybe it will be a generation removed, and it won't happen for 40 years to come, but your son's passing could be instrumental in something significant. Or maybe the action of Seth simply being kind and encouraging to a friend will be a lasting memory that will encourage that person to raise their children in a manner that they grow up to serve and to be part of a peace process that will effect change that enriches a community or nation. Vixr, we just can't make sense of it now, but if you believe in something, or someone, bigger than yourself, you HAVE to have faith that Seth's life, and death, has significance. We can't see it now, but you just never know what kind of influence a good person, like your son, can have on the world. And you may not get to see the benefits during your lifetime, but I believe from reading what you shared about him, and the fact that God uses all situations for good, for those that believe in him, that his life was of value, is important now, and will have an ongoing positive effect in the world. And he was, and is important and valuable now. His memory is important today, to those who knew him and loved him.
It makes no sense now. But at some point in time, I pray that you will get a peace about it.
You will never heal fully. You will learn to live with it, like a dull ache that will never completely go away.
As for someone that is relatively new to this wonderful Head Fi community, I hope that my words were, in some small way, of help to you, and that I am not out of line for writing such a long post. I lost me dad less than a year ago, and many friends within the last few years. Losing a son is a pain that I have not felt, and hope I never will, and can only imagine that it is heavier than anything most of us have ever or will ever experienced. I can only encourage you to keep doing what you are doing, which is to reach out, keep talking about how much you love your son even though he is gone, and keep his memory fresh on your heart, and those that loved him.
Thank you, for reaching out and making yourself vulnerable, and sharing your pain.
For me, your sharing your loss with the Head Fi community, has firmly put back the significance of family, and what this season is truly about: Love.
Love your family and friends, be kind to all, remember what is really important, is not the gifts, but Love.
With deepest heartfelt condolences for you, and Seth's whole family,
Mike Johnson
