We'll burn that bridge when we come to it is a funny phrase I occasionally use
Corny Jokes - the more the merrier
- Thread starter BobG55
- Start date
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
This Scottish advanced bridge inspector was going all over Dundee inspecting the bridges.
If it passed inspection, he marked it with some chalk.
His boss asked him if he got the bridge by Plumber St.
He said, "No. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."
Looking out at the Brooklyn bridge, a man said, "This is the fourth best bridge in the country, ever".
A passerby said, "Really? What are the top three bridges?"
He answered, " Lloyd, Jeff and Beau."
A man finds a magic lamp on a beach, rubs it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says 'You have freed me from my prison, I will grant you one wish.'
The man says 'I thought Genies gave three wishes?'
'This ain't Aladdin, you get one wish.' Replies the Genie.
'Ok', says the man, 'My wife wants to go to America, but she's afraid of flying. Can you build a suspension bridge across the Atlantic?'
The Genie says 'Nope, do you have any idea the planning, detail and work required to build a bridge that size across such a distance? Something else, my friend.'
'Ok then', says the man, 'What I would really love, is to truly understand women, to know their wants and needs.
To relate completely to the mindset and mental state of all womenkind, comprehending entirely how the mind of a women works.'
After a pause, the Genie replies '...so...uhh...how many lanes you wanting on that bridge?'
Guy sitting on a bride singing. Twenty one today twenty one today.
A passer by said "happy birthday son" and put his hand out to shake.
The guy grabbed him and threw him in the river.
He then got back to his singing. Twenty two today, twenty two today.
I heard a really bad bridge joke this morning......still haven't got over it
If it passed inspection, he marked it with some chalk.
His boss asked him if he got the bridge by Plumber St.
He said, "No. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."
Looking out at the Brooklyn bridge, a man said, "This is the fourth best bridge in the country, ever".
A passerby said, "Really? What are the top three bridges?"
He answered, " Lloyd, Jeff and Beau."
A man finds a magic lamp on a beach, rubs it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says 'You have freed me from my prison, I will grant you one wish.'
The man says 'I thought Genies gave three wishes?'
'This ain't Aladdin, you get one wish.' Replies the Genie.
'Ok', says the man, 'My wife wants to go to America, but she's afraid of flying. Can you build a suspension bridge across the Atlantic?'
The Genie says 'Nope, do you have any idea the planning, detail and work required to build a bridge that size across such a distance? Something else, my friend.'
'Ok then', says the man, 'What I would really love, is to truly understand women, to know their wants and needs.
To relate completely to the mindset and mental state of all womenkind, comprehending entirely how the mind of a women works.'
After a pause, the Genie replies '...so...uhh...how many lanes you wanting on that bridge?'
Guy sitting on a bride singing. Twenty one today twenty one today.
A passer by said "happy birthday son" and put his hand out to shake.
The guy grabbed him and threw him in the river.
He then got back to his singing. Twenty two today, twenty two today.
I heard a really bad bridge joke this morning......still haven't got over it
Absolutely loved the last 3! Laughed out loud!
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar.
It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts.
As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my skunk."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back.
Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a skunk."
Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a skunk sitting next to him.
"Are you a skunk?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The skunk replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a skunk in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that skunk?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the skunk again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that skunk to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/skunkjokes.html[/QUOTE]
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet skunk walk into a bar.
It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts.
As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my skunk."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back.
Suddenly, the skunk falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a skunk."
Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a skunk sitting next to him.
"Are you a skunk?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The skunk replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a skunk in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that skunk?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the skunk again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that skunk to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/skunkjokes.html[/QUOTE]
Pharmaboy
Headphoneus Supremus
We go to Prince Edward Island, Canada every summer--where my mother-in-law was born. In Canada they tell "Newfie" jokes (humor about people from the even further-out island, Newfoundland). These jokes are comparable to Polish jokes in the U.S.
An Irishman, Englishman & a Newfie were in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar--a man. These three fellows kept looking at this man, who seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they'd seen him before--when, suddenly, the Irishman cried out, "I know who he is. It's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table! The Irishman calls the bartender over and says, "Give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you" and drinks.
The Englishman then beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Newfoundlander tells the bartender to send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Later, Jesus approaches the three men. He shakes the hand of the Irishman, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone!" Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraines I've had for over 40 years are completely gone."
Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who gets a terrified look on his face and shouts, "Back off, buddy--I'm on Workers' Compensation."
GearMe
Headphoneus Supremus
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2013
- Posts
- 4,364
- Likes
- 7,105
Made me think of the video they played for us on the first day of Physics class. The Professor finished playing the film, turned on the auditorium lights, and said "There will be no partial credit in this class!".
Last edited:
Pharmaboy
Headphoneus Supremus
That is the most fascinating video.
Can't believe someone actually captured this event on film or video.
Can't believe someone actually captured this event on film or video.
moedawg140
Grand Master Moe "G"….Don't crossface me, bro!
Ping Pong Champ: SF Meet (2016,2017), CanJams (London 2016, RMAF 2016, NYC 2017, SoCal 2017, RMAF 2017)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
Cat Romance
A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, “I’d die for you!”
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, “How many times?”
Dead Dog
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. T
he vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever.
The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.
The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, “I’d die for you!”
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, “How many times?”
Dead Dog
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. T
he vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever.
The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.
The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance:
leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice,
Why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop .
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, says bartender, gimme a beer.
Bartender says, sorry, we don't serve food here.
A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "hey everybody, the highballs are on me ".
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Because someone told him to get a long, little doggy,
Boy: "Dad! It's cold in here.
Dad: "Stand in the corner."
Boy: "Why?"
Dad: "It's 90 degrees."
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs laying by a door?
Matt
Same guy hanging on a wall....
Art
Same guy floating in the ocean...
Bob
How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6.
One to actually change the bulb, and 5 to sit around and complain that it is electric.
Guy orders a pizza.
Pizza Guy: You want that cut in 6 or 8 slices.
Guy: Better make it 6... don't think I can eat 8.
leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice,
Why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop .
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, says bartender, gimme a beer.
Bartender says, sorry, we don't serve food here.
A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "hey everybody, the highballs are on me ".
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Because someone told him to get a long, little doggy,
Boy: "Dad! It's cold in here.
Dad: "Stand in the corner."
Boy: "Why?"
Dad: "It's 90 degrees."
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs laying by a door?
Matt
Same guy hanging on a wall....
Art
Same guy floating in the ocean...
Bob
How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
6.
One to actually change the bulb, and 5 to sit around and complain that it is electric.
Guy orders a pizza.
Pizza Guy: You want that cut in 6 or 8 slices.
Guy: Better make it 6... don't think I can eat 8.
Pharmaboy
Headphoneus Supremus
2 strings walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender sneers and says, "We don't serve strings here—get out!"
Upset, they leave. 1 string keeps on going, but the other, determined to have that beer, goes to a nearby alley, ties a top-knot, then frizzes the string above the knot. The result looks very different.
She goes back in the bar and orders a beer. Suspicious, the bartender asks, "Hey--aren't you one of those strings I just threw out of here?" She replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Upset, they leave. 1 string keeps on going, but the other, determined to have that beer, goes to a nearby alley, ties a top-knot, then frizzes the string above the knot. The result looks very different.
She goes back in the bar and orders a beer. Suspicious, the bartender asks, "Hey--aren't you one of those strings I just threw out of here?" She replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
Users who are viewing this thread
