This joke is totally awesome.

[wink]

Redneck Funny

[size=x-large][size=large]YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF…..[/size][/size]
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
You’re an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house & announced, “The feud is back on!”
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey & the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
 

 

[wink]

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head? he asked his mother.
He thinks a lot, replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a
good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, So why do you have so
much hair?
…………………………………..
One day Little Johnny says to his father:
I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johnny: Yes , Gradma.
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my mother?
Johnny: Why not? You married my mother.
…………………………………..
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
 
…………………………………..
Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.
So, Little Johnny’s dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, “Now, son…that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears,
or I’m really going to spank you when we get back home.”"I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at its mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!”
The mother said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why… just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?”
The Mother said, “Why, yes… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.”
Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a darn good thing, cause he sure as heck can’t wear glasses!”
…………………………………..
Teacher: “Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’”
Little Johnny: “I is…”
Teacher: “No, Little Johnny. Always say ‘I am.’”
Little Johnny: “All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
…………………………………..
Little Johnny’s class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, “it was so nice of you to put my daddy’s picture up there.”
…………………………………..

“Hey Mom,” asked Little Johnny, “Can you give me $20?”
“Certainly not.”
“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Hey Maria, could you make sure I’ve got clean socks tomorrow.”

 

[wink]

Dumb Blonde Jokes I

 

 
[size=small]Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.[/size]

[size=small][size=small]Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: [/size][size=small]“EuroDisney Left”[/size][size=small] so she went home.[/size][/size]
 
[size=small][size=small]Qid you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, ‘Hooked On Phonics’…[/size][/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK”.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She’s got a checkbook.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There’s a stamp on it.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em’ with hammers.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What’s the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.[/size]
 
[size=small]Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.[/size]
 
 

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….​

* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.
 

 

[Lazarus Short]

Quote:

 
 
I can be a cynic without having read the book.

Working definition of a cynic:
 
If you amuse a cynic, they will laugh.
If you disgust a cynic, they will laugh.

 

[9pintube]

   "Jesus Knows You're Here"  ......A burglar broke into a house the other night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said "JESUS Knows You Are Here"....He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.   When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued....  Just as he pulled the brand new HD 800's, new Dac and Tube amp out to disconnect the cables, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus Is Watching You"...... Freaked out, He shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice..... Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot....."Did You Say That?" he hissed at the parrot. "YEP", the parrot confessed, then squawked, I'm just trying to warn you that He is watching you."....The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? "Who are you?"  "Moses," replied the bird.  "Moses?" the burglar laughed.  "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"      "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler JESUS"!!!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

[Uncle Erik]

A wealthy older man meets a 25 year-woman at a resort, they start chatting and really hit it off. They spend more and more time together and realize that they're in love.

Just one problem, being older, the man has trouble performing in bed.

So the couple goes off to a doctor. The doctor tells them that things are too far gone, but that there's a new, experimental surgery they could try. The doctor explains that the man could have a baby elephant's trunk transplanted.

The man isn't really interested, but his girlfriend talks him into it.

The surgery is success and the happy couple spends many nights using the new equipment. Eventually, they decide to get married.

At the wedding rehearsal dinner, the soon-to-be bride starts feeling a little frisky and starts fondling her future husband under the table. He gets excited. All of a sudden, the trunk leaps out, reaches across the table and grabs a potato.

The entire table goes silent.

After a minute, the bride's mother says, "I have no idea what that was, but I'd like to see it again."

The man says, "I would, but I don't think I can fit another potato in my ass."

 

[wink]

Dihydrogen monoxide

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.
Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.
ymptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.
For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* may cause severe burns.

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today.
But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in many forms of cruel animal research.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal.
The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation."
In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations.
Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical.
 
What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.

 

[wink]

The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation.
Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed.
Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth.
This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable.
Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.

CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".
The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research.

Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

Chemical: A substance that:
1. An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
2. an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
3. a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
4. a biochemist turns into a helix;
5. a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)

Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.

Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.

Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists.
For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram.
The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.

Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time.

Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

Flame Test: Trial by fire. Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.

Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.

Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract.
The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.

Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).

Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.

Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer.

Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.

Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).

Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.

Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol.

Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.

Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT.
On the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.

Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

Sagan: The international unit of humility.

Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.

SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.

Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods.
The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.

Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish).
Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

 

[dilpal]

Quote:

Dihydrogen monoxide

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.
Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.
ymptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.
For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* may cause severe burns.

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today.
But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in many forms of cruel animal research.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal.
The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation."
In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations.
Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical.
 
What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.

Water.
 

 

[wink]

Spoilsport... but correct...

 

[JamesMcProgger]

please let me know when to laugh, I am totally lost here.

 

[Lazarus Short]

Quote:

please let me know when to laugh, I am totally lost here.

Right - "scientific humor" - we need some water here, it is so dry...
 

 

[wink]

WATER FOR THE KING
The King of a primitive but strategically-important third world nation visits the U.S. for the first time.
As the King was being wined and dined by US officials in a four-star restaurant, his thirst was huge but he was distrustful of the water he was being served by the over-gratuitous staff.
He quietly instructed his servant  to go and fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, the King motioned his servant to fetch more water, and he would scamper off and return with yet another glass.
On the fifth trip, though, the servant returned empty-handed.
“You wretched man, why have you returned without what I ask?” demanded the King. “I beg your forgiveness, O Illustrious One, stammered the servant.
“When I returned to the well, the white man was sitting upon it!”
 
A BLONDE WHO’S PREPARED: A guy notices that his new blond girlfriend brings two glasses to bed each night, one empty and the other filled with water.
“Why do you do that?” he asked. She answered, “Well, if I wake up i the middle of the night, I don’t know if I’m going to be thirsty or not.”
 
THE CURE: A man goes to his doctor because he’s been feeling very ill for days. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with a large assortment of pills.
He says, “Take the green pill with two big glasses of water when you get up. An hour later, take the white pill with another glass of water.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Mid afternoon, take the orange pill with plenty of water, and repeat that at dinner.
Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with several big glasses of water.”
The man is alarmed at huge volume of medicine he has been given to take, and nervously asks,
 “What’s the diagnosis? What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “You’re dehydrated.”
 
BEDTIME NEGOTIATOR: A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams downstairs, “Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?”
The dad says, “No. You had your chance.” After a minute the boy screams again, “Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?”
The dad says, “No. I told you, you had your chance. If you ask one more time, I’ll come up there and spank you.”
After a short silence, the father hears, “Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?”
 
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the Baptists are sprinkling and Methodists are spitting
It’s so dry that the Catholics are giving rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs. (variation: It’s so dry that the trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.)
Its so dry here that the fire hydrants are chasing the dogs around.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
It’s so dry that the cows are giving evaporated milk. (variation: So dry the cows are giving powdered milk.)
It’s so dry the fish are knocking on the door, askin’ for a drink of water.
It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
It’s so dry, crooks are siphoning off radiators instead of gas tanks.
It’s so dry, the the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week.

So dry we’re fishin’ on lawn chairs with slingshots.
It’s so dry we went rafting on hand trucks.
So dry the water tower was held up at gunpoint.
 
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked,
“Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don”t ask me about it anymore.”
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner.
As he was leaving the house, grandfather’’s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
“Grandfather, your dog won”t let me out.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get out of the way!”
 
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean.
Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".
 
Yo momma is so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out.
 
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
 
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,
And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
 

 

[jjinh]

Yeh...
 

 
 

 

[Permagrin]

^ What the... ?

What similarities do they have? Kanye wasn't a child prodigy was he? Or maybe he has a drinking problem? I don't follow that crap so I don't know.

Is that an Aussie paper? That could almost rival the U.K. stuff lol.