[lisnalee]

From a mother with love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[883dave]

A man is sitting on the front porch one morning when a young fella walks by.
"what ya got there boy?"
"I got me some duct tape"
"what you goin to do with duck tape" asks the man
"I'm goin ta catch me some ducks" replys the boy
"you don't catch ducks with duct tape, ya stupid kid"
The kid shrugges his shoulders and carries on.
Latter that evening the old man see's the kid walking by with several ducks caught on the tape.

The next morning while drinking his coffe the young kid is passing by, carring something
"what ya got there boy"
"I got me some chicken wire" replies the boy
"What you goin to do with chicken wire" asks the old man
"I'm goin ta catch me some chickens"
"kid you are about the dumbest kid I ever did see, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire"
The kid ignores the comment and carries on.
That night he walks by the old man with a bunch of chickens caught in the chicken wire, the old man shakes his head in disbelief

The next moring, the boy walks by the house carries something on his shoulder
"what ya got there boy" asks the old man
"I got me some ***** willows" reply's the boy
"wait just an second, I'm comming with ya boy"

 

[Old Pa]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.



[size=medium]You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut! [/size]

 

[uraflit]

So, my friend sped past an intersection the other day and got caught by a camera. A couple days later, he found a letter delivered to him. Enclosed was a snapshot of the picture to his license plate and a fine for $545. Being the smartass he is, he snapped a photo of $545 in cash and sent it back. A couple days pass by and he receives another letter. Enclosed is a sole picture of a pair of handcuffs. Needless to say, he paid the $545.

 

[dbfreak]

What is black and white and red all over? Give up (hee hee)?

Answer (spelled backward):

[size=xx-small]repapswen a[/size]

 

[ethebull]

At the February Research Scientists Convention, it was unanimously decided that lawyers should replace lab rats as test subjects.

Three reasons were sited:

1) Lawyers are more plentiful.

2) Researchers often feel guilty harming the little critters.

3) There are certain things a rat just won’t do.

 

[mark!]

A blond, a brunette and a redhead all die in the same accident, and arrive at Heaven’s gate at the same time. Saint Peter comes out to meet the three women, and informs them that to enter the pearly gates, they will have to pass a simple one-question test.

He walks up to the brunette. “Tell me, miss,” he says, “what is the true meaning of Easter?”

Brunette says: “Well . . . ah . . . Easter is the day that we atone for our sins!”

Saint Peter says to her: “No, my child, you’re wrong. You can’t come in right now, you’ll have to wait in Purgatory for another chance.” He goes up to the redhead. “You, then. What is the true meaning of Easter?”

Redhead says: “Oh. I know this! Easter is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus!”

Saint Peter shakes his head. “That’s closer, but still wrong,” he says. “You’ll have to go to Purgatory for awhile with the other one.” So the brunette and the redhead turn around and head off.

Finally Saint Peter comes up to the blond girl. “Alright, then. You. What is the true meaning of Easter?”

The blond smiles confidently. “Well, you see, it all began hundreds of years ago when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Afterwards, his friends took him and buried him in a cave . . .”

Saint Peter goes “Hold it a second, I want the other two to hear this.” So he calls back the brunette and the redhead. “Listen and learn,” he tells them, and then to the blond he says: “Go on, finish.”

Blond goes: “And on the third day, Jesus rises from the grave, and if he sees his shadow there’s six more weeks of winter!”

 

[Drag0n]

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Thats the ad on the Head-fi page i was just reading jokes from.
Hear music the way it should really sound? SkullCandy? Hahahaha!!! Now thats a joke!!!

 

[fatcat28037]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.

 

[Old Pa]

A man steps up to the tee, tees up, swings and slices deep into the rough. He tees up again, swings, and hooks it into the next fairway. Cursing, he slams the ground with his driver and shouts, "I'd give anything to be a great golfer!"

Bang! Suddenly Satan is standing before him. "Are you serious about that? If you are, I'll make you the greatest golfer on earth, but you'll have to pay the price."

The golfer says, "I don't care. I'll agree to anything to play great golf." Satan nods his head and says, "Try that shot again."

The golfer tees up, swings, and hits the ball 400 yards down the middle of the fairway. After 18 holes, he has played the best game of his life and broken the club record.

The golfer goes on to beat all his friends and acquaintances at golf. He starts playing and winning against pros. Then he turns pro himself.

After a year he has won every major professional tournament. His winnings surpass Tiger Woods's.

Twelve months to the day after he began playing phenomenal golf, the golfer happens to be standing again at the same tee on the same course.

Bang! Satan appears, with a sly smile on his face.

The golfer drops his driver, rushes over and shakes the Devil's hand with both of his, exclaiming, "You won't believe how great my life has been since I last saw you! I cannot thank you enough for what you've done for me!"

Satan is shocked by the golfer's behavior. He says, "You've been playing the best golf on earth for the past year, right?"

"Yes," says the golfer, "and my life is grand!"

"But surely you've noticed that your life has changed for the worst in other ways, haven't you?"

The golfer thinks a moment and says, "No, I can't say that I have."

Satan, hardly able to contain himself, sputters, "What about your sex life?! How many times have you had sex in the past year?!"

"Once or twice," says the golfer.

"And you don't think that's unusual?!"

"I don't know," says the golfer. "It isn't bad for a priest in a small parish."

 

[kydsid]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yup,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied,
'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
'HEBREWS'



The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

[Old Pa]

While on vacation in Jamaica, a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after Some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You Got dem on the wrong feet!"

 

[scompton]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fish

 

[Old Pa]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

 

[kain]

what did one snowman say to the other snowman>? "do you smell carrots>?"