[TheMarchingMule]

This is really awkward for me to accept this is happening, let alone posting this situation on a public forum.

I need to know what to talk about to this person when I go see them in a few hours, other than the gentle "Hi."

He and I don't know each other that well, but he is my father's brother, and only sibling. I suggested that I should see him one last time, because I feel it's the right thing to do, even though my mom told me that the colon cancer has physically altered him in a shocking way.

Any ideas or thoughts on making the atmosphere as least awkward as possible would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[Joelby]

I think the best thing would be to talk about yourself and what's going on in your life. This way, you avoid painful discussion about his situation. It's probably the last thing he wants to talk about.

 

[billybob_jcv]

Wow - I wish I could, but, I'm not sure I could do what you are doing. Perhaps talk about your father's family? Will anyone else be there - any of his family?

 

[rsaavedra]

Just showing up and being there is the most important thing.

 

[NightOwl]

If you're not close, then you'll probably make small talk: what's in the news, sports (if he has an interest), latest family gossip, if there's anything you know he's interested in that you know something about. If he wants to talk, then you should just listen and follow his direction.
It's a very awkward situation if you're not close and everyone who is terminally ill deals with it differently. Don't overstay if he starts to become withdrawn. Ask him if you can get/bring him anything, a paper, book, magazine, etc.
If you feel like it and you think he is responsive and is up to it, you might ask him if you can come visit him again. That way he won't feel that you're visiting him out of obligation or guilt, which he might not anyway.

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Anything! Just say hi and let the conversation go where it may. Remember: they're the one dying, so just be there for the person and be a comfort in whatever way they need.

 

[Aslan123]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ServinginEcuador /img/forum/go_quote.gif Anything! Just say hi and let the conversation go where it may. Remember: they're the one dying, so just be there for the person and be a comfort in whatever way they need.

Agreed. Just let things flow naturally and don't overthink things before the visit.

 

[iszatso]

For each person approaching a person in a terminal state, it offers valuable clues to our own existence. What would you want to talk about on your final days? As mentioned above, just being there is important. You didn't mention if this would be one on one or other people would be there also.

Might have some meaningful moments with him, if others aren't in the room. He might be so doped up that conversation will be brief and succinct. Hopefully in his terminal state he will have "no regrets nor hard feelings.." we each face death in a different way, but being surrounded by people who care about you and aren't there to poke or probe you is always a relief for those dying who's minds haven't gone sideways. Some just go out screaming and kicking, thinking everybody is there to get their money...wether you truly respect them or not.

 

[ClieOS]

-----double posted-------

 

[ClieOS]

Everyday life in general.

It is often forgot by normal healthy people like us that this boring life we are having everyday is what most ill people miss the most - that is, the feeling of being normal again, even if it is just for a short while.

 

[TheMarchingMule]

Thanks for the current responses, everybody.

@Joelby: That's a really good and simple plan; dunno why I couldn't think of that myself.

@billybob_jcv: Yeah, my family will be there, my relative's wife, and maybe two of my dad's cousins. It's all in a cramped SF apartment-like complex though, so we'll probably see him one or two at a time.

@rsaavedra: Indeed, although I do need something to supplement the visit.

@NightOwl: Good ideas. Like I said, I really don't know him that well, but I'll try to make the best of it. Learn something new about him, perhaps.

@ServinginEcuador & Aslan123: Will do, and thanks.

@iszatso: Yeah, for the past two nights I've stayed up past dawn thinking about this; mortality and how sudden, unexpectedly random things could shift against our favor. I just don't think "So, what have you been thinking about?" is the best entry point for a smooth conversation.

I'm going early in the morning, because apparently that's when he'll probably be most responsive, having taken his meds.

@ClieOS: I do hope that will work out, but at the same time, I'm afraid that I'll make him sad, thinking of how he hasn't done "normal healthy people" things in awhile, and that pretty soon he never will again.

 

[tenzip]

Let him lead the conversation, if possible. If you feel you need to, ask about your Dad. This is his brother, right? Get some of the wild and wacky stories from their youth.

This is not an easy thing, but let it happen as it will.

 

[appophylite]

Sorry to hear MarchingMule

IMO, if your relative is aware of the fact that they are terminally ill, just go in and talk about whatever comes naturally to you and the relative. I think it would ease up any tension in the room and take everyone's mind off of an uncertain future.

 

[userlander]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ServinginEcuador /img/forum/go_quote.gif Anything! Just say hi and let the conversation go where it may. Remember: they're the one dying, so just be there for the person and be a comfort in whatever way they need.

x2 great advice.

 

[MASantos]

Mule, I was in your situation 3 months ago. One of my cousins (2nd degree, my mother's age) which saw me grow up, gave me math lessons and with who I've spent quite a few childhood summers was in terminal fase with lung cancer.
I went to visit her at home and that was the last time I saw her. It was quite shocking to see her as her appearence was much diferent because of chemo and radio treatments.

I spent the afternoon with her, prepared a snack (if you wish to do this, talk to the doctor to check what your relative can and cannot eat) and we spoke about different subjects, ranging from memories of when I was younger and my projects. We saw some TV(there was tenis on and we're both tenis lovers)
and and listened to music as well.

She passed away 2 weeks after and I was happy I did that visit and had a good time with her.

Best of luck to you and your family.