wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
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- Apr 13, 2009
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Ban esteban
Corny Jokes - the more the merrier
- Thread starter BobG55
- Start date
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
luberconn
500+ Head-Fier
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2014
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what do you call a man with a rubber foot?
Roberto
what do you call a masturbating cow?
beef stroganoff
Roberto
what do you call a masturbating cow?
beef stroganoff
From user DarthFader's signature:
Q: What do you call veteran sound engineers who compress the dynamic range of music?
Pro Tools.
Q: What do you call veteran sound engineers who compress the dynamic range of music?
Pro Tools.
Guy goes to a bar and spots a gorgeous woman sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to give her another of whatever she's having, on him. The babe raises her glass & signals to him to come & join her. As the guy walks towards her she sneezes & some small round object starts bouncing on the bar towards the guy who catches it & notices it's a glass eye. The woman looks at him with her hand covering her left eye, totally embarrassed. The guy hands her back her glass eye & says to her : "please don't be embarrassed, you're still the most beautiful woman I've ever had the privilege to meet, not to mention having a drink with."
So they get cozy & have a couple of more drinks & end up at her apartment and make out. Afterwards, they're both relaxing in bed & the guy can't help but say to her "you're the most gorgeous woman I've ever made love to, I never thought for one moment that you would have anything to do with me. I'm a plain looking guy, what was it that made you decide to go for me ?" To which she replied :
"oh, I don't know, you sorta caught my eye."
So they get cozy & have a couple of more drinks & end up at her apartment and make out. Afterwards, they're both relaxing in bed & the guy can't help but say to her "you're the most gorgeous woman I've ever made love to, I never thought for one moment that you would have anything to do with me. I'm a plain looking guy, what was it that made you decide to go for me ?" To which she replied :
"oh, I don't know, you sorta caught my eye."
Shaffer
Headphoneus Supremus
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2013
- Posts
- 2,740
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- 280
A grasshopper walks into a bar:
Bartender - "We have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper - "You mean you have a drink called Larry?"
Bartender - "We have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper - "You mean you have a drink called Larry?"
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet horse walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my horse." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the horse falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a horse."
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature horse in the front seat. "What are you doing with that horse?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the farm." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the horse again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that horse to the farm!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
A man and his pet horse walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my horse." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the horse falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a horse."
Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature horse in the front seat. "What are you doing with that horse?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the farm." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the horse again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that horse to the farm!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
A Blonde Joke
A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on
a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The
blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise-versa." Again,
she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues.
"Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and
coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the
answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.
A gorgeous blonde and a hot-shot lawyer are sitting first class right next to each other on
a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The
blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise-versa." Again,
she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues.
"Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
googles it, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he instant messages all his friends and
coworkers, which turns out to be no help at all. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the
answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.
Schizophrenia jokes incoming:
I went to see the doctor yesterday.
“What seems to be the problem, Chris?” he asked.
“Well, I think I suffer from schizophrenia,” I said, being Frank.
Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I had myself declared sane by three separate psychiatrists.
All of whom were me.
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm schizophrenic"
"Well, that makes four of us"
Mirrors - Skyping for schizophrenics
I used to have friends once, but the medication has taken them all away.
I went to see the doctor yesterday.
“What seems to be the problem, Chris?” he asked.
“Well, I think I suffer from schizophrenia,” I said, being Frank.
Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I had myself declared sane by three separate psychiatrists.
All of whom were me.
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm schizophrenic"
"Well, that makes four of us"
Mirrors - Skyping for schizophrenics
I used to have friends once, but the medication has taken them all away.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Because he was never on your side.
wink
His amps are made out of recycled beer cans
and his source from tomatos.
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2009
- Posts
- 20,312
- Likes
- 3,656
What's the difference between a grand piano and a dozen eggs?
If you don't know, how do you go at making an omelette?
Q: Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters?
A: They're moving to Sioux City.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What is the favorite song of most lawyers?
A: Sweet Sue.
Q: What is a lawyer's favorite plant?
A: Poison Sue-mack.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?
A: A lawyer with morals.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.
Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called Sosumi.
Q: What did the disgruntled laywer say?
A: Get off my case!
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A:They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A: They're moving to Sioux City.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What is the favorite song of most lawyers?
A: Sweet Sue.
Q: What is a lawyer's favorite plant?
A: Poison Sue-mack.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?
A: A lawyer with morals.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.
Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called Sosumi.
Q: What did the disgruntled laywer say?
A: Get off my case!
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A:They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Yesterday I lost at Chess vs my computer. Today I'm going to kick it's ass at kickboxing.
There’s a sweet old couple happily living life. One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."
The huband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass?"
She replied, "He never mentioned you."
---
Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?
A: An American.
---
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop singing "Delilah" and "The Green Green Grass of Home". What is wrong with me?
Doctor: I believe you have what is known as Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? My God, is that rare?
Doctor: It's not unusual.
---
Q: What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb?
A: Let's go out tonight!
---
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Eileen.
Q: Yeah, but whaddya call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Irene.
---
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
SomeWiseGuy
Headphoneus Supremus
- Joined
- May 5, 2015
- Posts
- 3,356
- Likes
- 56
Patient: Doctor, why is it that every time I drink coffee, I feel a stabbing pain in my right eye?
Doctor: Next time, take the spoon out from your cup before drinking.
Doctor: Next time, take the spoon out from your cup before drinking.
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