[Oink1]

Had to stop to wipe my eyes, i was laughing so hard!

 

[bundee1]

Quote:

that was awsome.im happy to never have dealt with customer service that poor. Today 01:32 PM

Then you've never dealt with Time Warner Cable.

 

[Edwood]

Explains why Sky one is so popular.

Doesn't address internet access, though.
-Ed

 

[Sovkiller]

Quote:

Originally Posted by periurban NTL is one of two cable suppliers in the UK. They are allocated geographical areas, so you don't get a choice of supplier. It's kind of like a priviate duopoly.

Same as here in the states, here is Optimum, or none...

 

[Zanth]

that was completely brilliant. I'm thinking it may need to be edited somewhat because of the TOS but frankly omg so freaking funny

 

[m0nKeY bUsiNeSs]

That is a hilarious letter. I had a very proper British Linguistics professor once and I could so imagine him writing a letter like that.

 

[seeberg]

Very funny stuff. And I've felt like complaining like that guy to companies like SCEA(Sony), AOL, and stuff like that.

,
Abe

 

[CMacDaddy]

ha found this on www.collegehumor.com

Never thought I'd see head-fi on there.

 

[D-EJ915]

Haha, I remember somebody linked to that thing last year. It sure is a hilarious read

 

[AndyMac]

I am writing to inform you that thanks to the incompetence and sheer bloody mindedness of your staff Christmas in my household was cancelled. Just 4 days before Christmas I discovered that my weekly tax credit of £136.90 was reduced to £36.09. Did I discover this by receiving a letter from your department…no I had to find out for myself when trying to access my bank account. Still it is hardly surprising that no letter was received as judging by your staff’s Cro-Magnon intellect they have yet to master the art of fire and are still scratching pictograms on the cave, that they are hopefully locked up in, wall with sticks and berries.

I expect you are about to put this letter in the bin, where I suspect most documentation ends up, but please hear me out…oh and if any of the words I am using are too big for you Collins do a very concise children’s Dictionary and Thesaurus set which I am sure will be of use.

On the 05th December 2005 my stepson moved out of our home. I informed you of this on the 09th December 2005. I was told that we would be receiving a new claim form shortly…yeah right I am still waiting. Then last week I received a payment into my bank of £37.01 I had no idea who it was from but I guess from subsequent events it was from yourselves. On the 21st December I went to our bank to withdraw the monies paid in by yourselves expecting it to be slightly reduced from the £136.90 we had been receiving only to find it was £100 less than I expected.
So I then made the first of many telephone calls to your offices. I say offices because for reasons that until now I could not fathom you have numerous offices and it is like a game of roulette which one you will get through to and when and if you do get through the staff in one office are either unable or I suspect unwilling to transfer you to the person that has been dealing with your claim. I now understand why you do this you have learnt a fundamental lesson of government “Plausible Denial” as in “I can only apologise but whoever it was that told you that shouldn’t have” in fact if you were to record that one phrase you could dispense with half your staff overnight.
In that first phone call to a girl whom I suspect had one of her two brain cells surgically removed before entering civil service I was informed that the reason for the huge reduction in my Tax Credit was that your department had over-paid me in excess of £780 this year and that from now until April I would only be receiving £36 per week. I could not understand how this over-payment could have occurred so my wife spoke to the girl and was told that it is common for such overpayments to occur at the start of the year and it was normal practise for you to claw it back at the end of the year. This made no sense to me at all so I telephoned again and spoke to , probably the only member of your staff who has advanced beyond the stone age, a manager called “Sam” of Team 67 in your Newcastle office. He listened to me and could not explain the massive drop either and told me he would ring me back with an explanation that same day. I must admit I viewed this promise with incredulity as “the same day” in civil service speak often translates as the same day next month. But true to his word Sam rang me back within 15 minutes with said explanation. He said that unfortunately when my stepson had been removed from our claim they had also inadvertently removed the date that he started full time education thus the computer showing that we were overpaid was in effect correct.
He told me that he would correct this error and re enter the missing date and would forward our claim for re-processing overnight. Sam apologised profusely for the error and the fact that the shortfall probably would not hit our bank account until after Christmas. I informed Sam that I would contact the Social Fund as that missing money was for our Christmas Dinner.

Unfortunately the Social Fund is populated by brain dead morons as well and because we had had an income of more than £15 per day this week we were not entitled to a loan.

So back on the phone I spoke to another man in one of your offices, he could not or would not transfer me to Sam, but after explaining all that had occurred he told me that he would put notes on our file explaining the error was yours and that I should go to my local Tax Office who at their discretion could make me a payment of the shortfall. I must admit I was full of admiration for this man he had come up with a common sense solution to a problem…All By Himself. So I drove to the Tax Office with joy in my heart in the knowledge that the problems I was experiencing were nearing an end only to be shot down in flames when I was confronted by yet another cave dweller at the Tax Office. I was told that your department should not have told me they can make discretionary payments because they cannot and that no such amendments were made to our claim in fact the local offices computer still showed an overpayment..

Yet another phone call to yourselves was made and after being transferred by a supervisor I was told that indeed no such notes were on our file and that although she could see we were indeed owed money we would not get it until after Christmas. When I told her that money was for our Christmas dinner and asked what I could do it was suggested I go without.

So as I started this letter thanks to the testicle juggling staff in your department my families Christmas was cancelled this year. It is good to know that Ebenezer Scroodge is alive and well and working in the Tax Credits Office. So I resigned myself to a beans on toast dinner for Christmas at least secure in the knowledge that all would be rectified by the 28th December as I had been promised in all of my phone calls to your various offices only to find on said date that yet again you had underpaid me. On telephoning your staff “Plausible Deniability” reared its ugly head once again when I was told that “We cannot place a timescale on repayments and whoever promised you it would be sorted out by this week was wrong to do so”. I now find myself and my family being pushed inexorably towards a life of crime just to put food on our table and a fire in our hearth. I understand from your website, yes I was amazed to find you had one and am wondering if you had to abduct a seven year old child to design it for you, that compensation is available for distress caused and as you may be able to discern from the tone of my letter I am very distressed and would like to make a claim.

I would have said how amazed at the Three Stooges like professionalism and competence displayed by all but one of your staff but I’m not. All but one of your staff are in fact the pus filled boil on the arse of humanity although said staff could not find either said boil or arse with two hands a torch and SatNav. With the exception of Sam in Newcastle I hope that you all had a rotten a Christmas as I did and that the testicles of your male staff and the breasts of your female staff turn square and fester in the corners. Finally there must be a special mention for the miserly supervisor who suggested I forgo Christmas dinner I must I feel recommend her promotion to a position that will give her ample access to both sex and travel. Not that I think for one moment you have the grey matter to understand that last comment but I am sure if you find somebody outside of the civil service they will be able to explain it.

When I wrote the above letter I never really expected a reply but 3 weeks after mailing it my money was sorted out and I got a 30 GBP compensation cheque. So it just goes to show that unfortunately language such as this is all some people understand. Oh and if anyone wants to use this letter feel free

 

[squall2072]

Quote:

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

That made my week, and its only monday!! Brilliant, the only thing that could top that is the possibility of getting my amp sometime this week.... maybe I'll play with my balls in the meantime.

Brilliant, can I have that quote as my signiture? (mods if its not ok PM me)

 

[perplex]

You might not believe this but for about 6 years now, since I got broadband I've NEVER heard a positive thing about NTL. All I ever heard was customers saying how terrible they are, for example; on CS servers BT and NTL users would have 50+ ping and Telewest (what I had/have) would be 20-30 ping

Nevermind the loss they would talk about.

 

[mrarroyo]

I thought I was having a hard day, mine pales in comparison. The letter was hilariously funny.

 

[MD1032]

That letter is definitely one of the finest pieces of comedic literature ever posted here! Thanks for sharing. I hope this "John" guy got his revenge in the end.