[Lazarus Short]

Note to self:  Wearing headphones doesn't make my farts silent.

 

[10068]

 
Quote:

Note to self:  Wearing headphones doesn't make my farts silent.

 
 
Ahahahaha. It's true.

 

[youngngray]

 
Quote:

Note to self:  Wearing headphones doesn't make my farts silent.
 

 
On the same idea: Putting on headphones doesn't turn off the speakers that are plugged into the same source... This can make for some very... interesting situations.

 

[10068]

 
Quote:

 
Quote:

Note to self:  Wearing headphones doesn't make my farts silent.
 

 
On the same idea: Putting on headphones doesn't turn off the speakers that are plugged into the same source... This can make for some very... interesting situations.

 
 
Do I sense a story about porn audio being played with people around?

 

[youngngray]

 
Quote:

 
 
 
Do I sense a story about porn audio being played with people around?

 
I will neither confirm nor deny that statement, no comment.

What I will confirm is late night studying, deciding to turn up your music, and getting yelled at to turn it down without ever thinking anyone else could hear it. 

 

[10068]

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were out for a drive when they're stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
The cop decides the car looks sketchy, so he does a search. When he looks in the trunk he finds a dead cat. The cop says, "Did you gentlemen know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
To which Schrodinger replies, "Well now I do."

 

[wink]

BUTTERED BREAD ON THE BACK OF A CAT: WHAT FALLS FIRST. Daniel D. Van Hoy wrote: >Just think: When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright. >Also think: When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with >the buttered side down >Now think: If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back >of a cat, which would land first. First the source of the forces must be understood. The force acting on the bread is not the butter, as some may think. Without the bread, butter wouldn't land bread side up, and therefore the force could not possibly be in the butter. We know the force is not the bread because it has been experimentally proven that bread does not land any particular side down without butter. The bread/butter force is caused by the fusing of bread and butter particles together. This fusion causes energy to be released in the form of shifting gravity and anti-gravity energy to opposite sides of the bread/butter continuum. The gravity energy naturally shifts to the butter since it is denser then the bread, while the anti-gravity energy shifts to the bread side. The energy in a cat for landing on its feet comes from the feet themselves. This has been proven experimentally. Cats without feet have a near zero success rate of landing on their feet. We will call this energy cat foot energy. Considering the equal but opposing bread/butter and cat foot forces one would expect the cat to spin violently about its axis. However the strength of these forces must be considered. A regular cat is not structurally stable enough to withstand the torque the spinning causes. I should not have to describe the way the cat's limbs give way, the way the legs wrench around until the feet are on the same side of the cat as the butter. And thus the cat can then land on its feet, butter side down. We are now researching the possibility of using structurally reinforced cats for levitation systems, but so far the cost is too high to be practical. Several attempts at producing economically viable systems were made by separating the feet so that the instability of the cat would not be a factor. At first there was dificulty because there was no cat to tie the bread to. Later it was discovered that when not attached to a cat the feet lost their cat foot force over time. It is hypothesized that the feet need to be living to exert the cat foot force, and so far no practical method has been found for keeping the feet alive other than a cat. Attempts are also being made to breed flat cats with no legs (only feet). There are many other problems related with this method of levitation as you may well imagine, but they are beyond the scope of this discussion. Harold G Sputsberry PHD Institute for Alternative Energy Research

 

[wink]

Question: If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which way down would it land? [Well, here's an explication of that question...] I'm glad you asked this question. IF WHEN YOU DROP A BUTTERED PIECE OF BREAD, IT DROPS BUTTER SIDE DOWN AND A CAT ALWAYS LANDS ON ITS FEET. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU TOOK A PIECE OF BUTTERED BREAD, STRAPPED IT ON THE BACK OF A CAT (BUTTER SIDE UP) AND DROPPED IT OFF CENTERPOINT TOWER? Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and extremely annoyed aliens crash on top of them.

 

[wink]

Further to the Henderson cat powered starship The effects of propulsion cats ingesting the butter is far worse than merely falling to earth and then being crushed by the starship crash. Remmeber the butter has been transferred from the outside of the cat to the inside of the cat. Remember, topologically , a cat like all animals has the properties of a cylinder. This means , butterologically that the cat will topologically invert. Its inside will become its outside and its furry side will become the gastrointestinal side. In any event there will be a nasty mess in the starships engine room and the antigravitational field will collapse. Incidentally cavers in the UK are known to use buttered cats worn inside the oversuit while rigging rope access routes along traverses above big drops.

 

[wink]

Q:If you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast tied to its back ( butter side up of course) Which way up would it land? A:This is the secret of levitation. Toast ALWAYS lands butter side down, but cats always land on their feet, so the combination will hover just above ground level rotating, neither the cat nor toast able to land.

 

[wink]

Here is Physical proof from a Physics Student! Well Acording to Newtons third law, a force acting upon an object will exert an equal but opposite force on the adjacent object. The cat exerts a force say C on the toast, which in mathematical notation is Ft = -C = ( Mass of cat )x g. Acording to Murphys law of probability, any event in a constant time frame is said to happen to the inverse of the most prefferable. In this case, we have only two possible cases, P(T = toast) lands buttered side up or Ti=1-P(T) (Inverse probability of toast) landing downwward. But From our previous metion of Murphys Law, we can clealy see that P(T) = 0( or 0% of it happening ) and P(T) = 1 ( or 100% of it happening ). Thus this is an equilibrium problem as there are two forces acting in two different directions namely T and C. If The Air resistance is taken into consideration, and we have that C = T then if the toast is placed only slightly to the side of the center of gravity of the cat then we have a non-equilibral condition. So this then implies a rotational tourqe ( call it t for short ). The t can be calculated by applying the tangental force aplied multiplied by the cross product of the radius r of the cat to the toast. So t = Cos(theta)x r x ( Aplied force ) But this aplied force is quite weak as it's only reliant on air resistance. But this then presents us with another problem. We have a conflict of laws of phyics and phylosophy ( ie. Murphy vs Newton ) Ienstein in his thesis on general relativety however sshowed that Newton's III law does not always aply to Objects nearing the speed of light. So the only conclution that we can draw is that the cat with the toast strapped to its back will rotate at near light speeds. However, the closer one gets to the center of the cat the faster the cat will have to spin. So the cat will not only spin, but be completely mangled in the process by the fact that Its insides spin faster that it's skin and outer flesh! The law that cat's also land on there feet is also going to play a part n this disscusion. Whe released, The two forces C and T will simulaniously act opon one another, causing the cat and the toast to iether shoot upwards indefenetly increasing in speed as gravity decreaces the further one is away from earth or hover or plummet downwards. The latter seems the most feesable, with a difference however that it will not stop. The immence rotations of the cat and toast will generate enormous amounts of heat as it comes into contact with the ground through friction and tunnel downwards eventuall reaching the center of the earth. By that time the cat's legs wil have been eroded away and the butter will be off the toast and thus the laws which we first used do not apply any more. So to cat will stop spinning somewhere in the earths crust. I hope that helps!

 

[wink]

Although I should perhaps tell you that after careful experimentation regarding the thickness, composition, and density of the thread, I have determined that the rate of descent of the *****/toast-unit can be accurately adjusted. This is particularly useful as a sort of timing device. Since the combination eventually lands with such commotion (due to the opposing effects of the toast/*****cat laws), ones attention is invariably drawn to it. Events such as putting out the garbage, watching the 6 0'clock news, or cooking eggs spring readily to mind. When the frustrated, bewildered, agitated, and terrified ***** is finally coaxed out from under the bed, the device can easily be reset by using the appropriate thread for the time frame required, and then simply hurling it into the air. I have also discovered that the rate of descent is also related to the cost of the carpet.

 

[wink]

The string (used to tie the buttered toast to the cat) will come loose, the cat will land on its feet, the toast will land buttered side down, and the string will land so as to cause maximum damage. Simple application of Murphy's Law.

 

[wink]

Flaws In the Flying Cat Theory: A Response Special to the Coastal Beacon A logical analysis of the BFAD (Buttered Feline Antigravity Drive) propulsion theory clearly demonstrates the impossibility of such a system. Let us begin with a simple analysis. 1) Buttered bread must fall butter side down. 2) A cat always lands on its feet. While both theorems are indisputable, the oracle offers no proof of the construct. The oracle implies that anyone who 'would' test this construct would immediately find the secret of BFAD. This is clearly nonsense. Let us assume a normal Einsteinian universe (although a Euclidean universe would serve our purposes just as well, the Einsteinian is both cheaper and drinks are readily available.) To test BFAD, one must procure: Bread Butter (margarine, for some reason, will not work) A cat A strapping device. Let us assume that all of these are readily available. Attach the strapping device to the cat. See? No cat. what has happened? We have run up against an a priori universal law. By a priori, we mean that it takes priority over either the Buttered Bread Principle or the Law of Feline Landings. What happens is that the instant a strapping device and a cat occupy the same four dimensional space, the cat disappears. Now, this can easily be tested, and has been repeatedly. There are two schools of thought about this phenomenon. The first holds that a cat and a strapping device are constituted out of different fundamental building blocks. According to this theory, a cat is constituted primarily of superquarks, (called meows by current theorists.) These superquarks demonstrate qualities that are both atomic (constituted as they are of groupings of normal quark particles) and feline (because these quarks exhibit characteristic of "charmed" or "lucky" particles.) Again, according to this theory, strapping materials are fashioned out of non-charmed particles. Bringing the two together causes one or the other to cancel out. One aspect of this theory that has not been sufficiently explained to date is the fact that it is always the cat, not the strapping device, that disappears. The second school of thought, and it is one that appears to be gaining ground in academic circles today, holds that cats are, in fact, super-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who exist in our four dimensional universe only because there is plenty of good food and a lot of creatures stupid enough to provide the food, along with plenty of attention. Whenever a strapping device appears, the cat simply opens a door to a different series of dimensions, and goes on an extended tour. According to this theory, purring is a cat's way of maintaining a constant balance cycling across multiple dimensions. This school holds that antigravity is impossible, but that theoretically, a REALLY good grip on a cat, while reaching for a strapping device, could result in our ability to cross dimensions with ease (barring scratches, that is.) Pessimists argue That if there was anything really interesting in those other dimensions, cats wouldn't spend so much time here, so why ask for a good scratching?

 

[wink]

In an unusual collaboration, scientists at the Conrell SuperNatural Computer Facility, the USDA and the Conrell Agricultural College have made a startling breakthrough in the gravitational physics field. Using technology modelled on giant computers at Conrell and tested in the laboratory, the group has succeeded in defying gravity. Scientist Elsie Browncow explained how the break came about. "We were examining possible applications of Murphy's famous laws, and we got to thinking about buttered bread always falling butter down. We came to the conclusion that butter must have some very special properties related to gravity. Reports of cows jumping over the moon lent support to our theory. Once we were on the right track the rest came easily." Local dairy farmers, who have been scratching their heads over the large butter orders from the research facility, are ecstatic over the discovery. Evidently, several hundred pounds of butter are required to overcome gravity in a region of space of 1 cubic centimeter. Asked about this Dr. Browncow replied, "... well, yes, that's true, but we're working on improving the process and are pretty sure we can reduce the butter requirement significantly." Rumor has it that the CIA and NASA are trying to limit access to the process. Dr. Browncow would not comment on the rumor except to say, "The word is out now and if we could figure this out I'm sure others will too - that's how science works." Local dairy farmers have been accused of discharging firearms at government vehicles seen near the labs lately. No arrests have been made.