[Lenni]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Trick Question. Feminists can't change anything.

 

[Lenni]

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …

“Well, screwin stop doin it then, ya evil person!”

 

[Lenni]

There was a man walking around Ireland. The way I was told, it was in Donnegal, but it really could be anywhere in the backwoods. The man sees another man a fair bit away, cupping his hand to drink some water out of a ditch.

The Irishman looks at this, and says to the main "Na ól an t-uisce, tá sé lan de chac bó". That is to say, "don't drink the water, it's full of cow ****".

The man looks at him and says "I'm English, speak English to me!".

So the Irishman thinks for a second and then says in a loud clear voice "Well, use both hands, you'll get more of it that way"

 

[Lenni]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a s**t in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says 'Do you have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?' The rabbit replies 'no.' So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his a** with it.

 

[Lenni]

President Bush, Prime Minister Brown and Chancellor of Germany Merkel are on an excursion at sea. Bush brags: "We are havin' a submarine that can dive for 2 weeks without needin' to get supplies." - "That's nothing", says Brown, "we have a submarine that only needs to get fresh supplies every 2 months."

Merkel gets all worried, because she knows she can't beat that. Suddenly right next to their ship a submarine emerges, the hatch opens and a solder climbs out, shouting "Heil Hitler, we need supplies."

 

[Geruvah]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lenni /img/forum/go_quote.gif A bear and a rabbit are taking a s**t in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says 'Do you have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?' The rabbit replies 'no.' So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his a** with it.

Here's where the bunny gets his revenge:

A bear and a bunny find a magical lamp. A genie appears and tells them he will grant each three wishes.

The bear, excited, wishes that all of the female bears in the woods would fall in love with him.

"Done." says the genie and he makes his wish come true.

"I wish for a helmet" the rabbit says and one instantly appears in his hand.

The bear makes his second wish, this time wanting all of the female bears in the country to want him.

"Done." and every female bear in the country lusted only for him.

The rabbit makes his second wish, "I wish for a motorcycle." and one appears for him.

"For my last wish," the bear selfishly decided, "I want EVERY female bear inthe entire WORLD to want me."

The genie granted the bears final wish. Not a female bear, alive, wouldn't be able to stand his charms. As the rabbit dons his helmet and starts the motorcycle, he makes his final wish.

"I wish he was gay."

 

[Quaddy]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

[Lenni]

an engineer who has led a good life dies and goes to hell, accidentally. Eventually, God learns of the mistake, and calls down to the devil.

"Excuse me, but an engineer died last week. He led a good life. He was supposed to come up here, but there was a mix-up and you got him."

"Yeah, I know the guy. He fixed our air conditioning, installed track lighting and even made the VCR stop blinking 12:00. There's no way I'm giving this guy up."

"But he's a good soul. That isn't the way this works. He belongs up here with me. If you don't surrender him, I'll have no choice but to sue for custody."

The devil laughs, "Yeah? And where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"

 

[cash68]

This isn't so much of a joke, as a hilarious comment on a news article. Some of you may have heard that a guy in Madison, WI was run over by a monster truck during a monster truck show. Here's the link:

Announcer killed at Wisconsin monster truck show - Autoblog

Anyway, my favorite comment:

"Funeral arrangements have been made for SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAAAY!"

 

[Old Pa]

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations! You now understand the stimulus bill."

 

[Fido2]

LOL...priceless but right on!

 

[tstarn06]

Two cannibals were eating a clown, when one says to the other ... "This taste funny to you?"

TV antenna started dating a satellite dish. They decided to get married. The honeymoon kinda sucked, but the reception was great!

 

[jaykay]

My Jewish buddy told me this one:

What did the Jewish child molester say to the little boy?
-Hey, easy on the candy!

 

[wuwhere]

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their doubts about putting their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!"

 

[wuwhere]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"