[Jeff Guidry]

I don't mean to sound cruel when I say this, but it sounds like this girl is jerking you around. I mean, she loves you, but is taking up with another man, says she feels the same about you as you do about her, but says she knows you can never be together. And one of the primary things you say is that you are willing to financially care for another man's child, which indicates to me that that subject has come up in conversation.

It sounds like she is trying to squeeze you for money, IMO. See how she feels about you if you say in no uncertain terms that you will not provide financial assistance for the child. My guess is that her "love" will fade rather quickly.

Either that, or it simply flatters her ego to think that she has more than one man interested in her, in which case she is still jerking you around.

I think you should say "No matter how I may feel about you, it's clear that we can never be the ones for each other. So this is goodbye, and really goodbye, I won't try to contact you anymore, and I would appreciate if you not contact me." I understand this will be very difficult, but you can't waste years of your life hoping for something that will not happen.

Find happiness with someone who wants to be with you, and only you. It will be much better for you in the long run.

 

[Barry]

Do you trust her? Do you trust her feelings? It may be that she is feeling that nobody will want her because of her situation. (She is wrong about that, even if she feels it) and it may be that she is looking for a father for her child (not a totally bad thing). She may remember you fondly and hope that things will be different this time. She may not know how she really feels. I don't now that there is only one route to love. Some easy, some not. I am going to buck the trend here. If you love her, and if you trust her and if you trust her feelings, I say give it a shot, but realize that this is approach is not without some risk. Let her know what behaviors you will not abide. And if she is not good to you, does not work to build a trusting caring relationship, and is not open or responsible to your communications and offer hers, then I would leave. That is not to say it needs to be perfect. both of you will have to tell the other what you need and give the other a chance to provide it. If it is not provided, then you know what you should do. While you may want to play the odds here, you can't know what will happen. Give it a shot, but be ready to leave when you should. Love does happen more than once, but not everyday. Good luck.

Barry

 

[JadeEast]

She is fing with your head. In love with you but can never be with you?
Sorry it's crap, love is not only a noun it's a verb. You need love to be a verb in your life. Do what you have to do to move on. Get back into circulation, a couple of years is pretty long time to be sidelined. Probably need to just let this one go. Give her a small place in your heart not the whole thing, you're going to need it for yourself.

ETA. checkout this link http://www.mcmanweb.com/love_lust.htm
Her whole book is great.

 

[wower]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barry /img/forum/go_quote.gif If you love her, and if you trust her and if you trust her feelings, I say give it a shot, but realize that this is approach is not without some risk.

You'd have to be the world's most positive person on herion to believe "love" is going to pull this all togather. That she had a child and has kept sleeping around offers a deep insight into her character and only a masochist or a fool who wants a future of pain would ignore it in the absurd hope that your love will fix it all. I'm glad the poster at least concedes there are some risks but the majority of posters here are right: move on. I don't know what that will look for you personally, but I do know the ocean is both wide and deep.

 

[mrarroyo]

I do not see a positive thing coming out of this, it does seem she is looking for her next "sugar daddy". Sorry but move on!

 

[pageman99]

Move on.

Kierkegaard already wrote that book.

You've got a lot of life to live, live it. What you're doing now is grieving. And like dealing with death, you can't change it, you must simply adapt. And grow.

Good luck, and best of luck.

 

[shellylh]

I don't want to be hurtful but this woman sounds like she is acting very immaturely. It sounds like she is needy and she wants your attention. If she truly loved you, she would never call you up and tell you that she is in love with you and then proceed to "dump you" within two weeks i.e. tells you that she just wants to be friends. That is painful! I truly empathize with you. If I were you, I would stop hoping right now and save myself from a lot of pain and sorrow in the future. I know this is extremely difficult to do. I would also go see a counselor to sort out your feelings/her actions, etc. I wish you the best.

 

[Wmcmanus]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeff Guidry /img/forum/go_quote.gif I don't mean to sound cruel when I say this, but it sounds like this girl is jerking you around. I mean, she loves you, but is taking up with another man, says she feels the same about you as you do about her, but says she knows you can never be together. And one of the primary things you say is that you are willing to financially care for another man's child, which indicates to me that that subject has come up in conversation. It sounds like she is trying to squeeze you for money, IMO. See how she feels about you if you say in no uncertain terms that you will not provide financial assistance for the child. My guess is that her "love" will fade rather quickly. Either that, or it simply flatters her ego to think that she has more than one man interested in her, in which case she is still jerking you around. I think you should say "No matter how I may feel about you, it's clear that we can never be the ones for each other. So this is goodbye, and really goodbye, I won't try to contact you anymore, and I would appreciate if you not contact me." I understand this will be very difficult, but you can't waste years of your life hoping for something that will not happen. Find happiness with someone who wants to be with you, and only you. It will be much better for you in the long run.

I agree with most of this. There are obviously reasons why she's not with you. She wouldn't have walked away from your relationship two years ago for nothing, nor would she have gone through several more 'relationships' in the meantime, nor would she be with a man she doesn't love now just because he can 'take care' of her. Everything with her seems to be quite temporary, and that, unfortunately, includes her 'feelings' toward you.

Sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do but she's not there yet and doesn't need to get there at your expense (emotionally speaking more so than financially speaking, although it wold take a toll there as well if you were to get back with her). If you were to stay away for long enough, and then (years later) see her again, you would havea much clearer picture of the truth. Sure, you would still see some of the same wonderful thing that you do now, but you would also see the sadness that (no matter how you might try), you simply can't remove from her life.

She didn't grow up the same way that you did. She doesn't think of relationships the same way either. There has to be something "in it" for her, no matter who she may be with. Having you alone is not enough for her. She doesn't seem capable of following her heart and risking it all for love, and thus she's not as insanely in love with you as you are with her; you deserve someone who is!

As hard as it may be, you've got to move on.

 

[EnOYiN]

It's a sad story indeed. Like has been set before here I also think you should move on and I surely know how hard that can be. I hope you will be able to overcome this.

 

[Agent Kang]

Why open an old scar and turn it into fresh wound?

 

[Wodgy]

I'm with Jeff Guidry... but I'd go further. She's keeping/jerking you around because you satisfy her need for attention. She realizes, either consciously or subconsciously, that she's no longer attractive to most men in her age bracket (no one under 30 wants to take care of someone else's kid, unless he's emotionally desperate or has issues -- which is why the man she's shacked up with right now is no prize), and having you hovering around her makes her feel desired. But she doesn't love you, not in any real sense.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Everyone feels like you do right now at least once when they're young, but two years down the road, you'll look back and realize what a bullet you've dodged by freeing yourself of this one.

 

[Lazarus Short]

She sounds unstable to me. If you take up with her again, you will be hit emotionally in three ways:

Hard

Fast

Continually

Yeah, I've been there, and had to walk away, and yes I STILL love her [been 15 years].

Laz

 

[GAD]

Sorry man, but I agree with those here that say she's jerking you around. It's possible that she's also jerking herself around, but we're here to talk about you.

"Move on" is the right advise, but you probably don't want to hear that. I've been there. More people that you realize have. Someone else already said this, but I'll say it my way:

Find something else to focus your life on. Not someONE else - someTHING else. By pining for this woman you are defining your life by the past. That is never a good thing, and most people do it. Find something else that can consume you with a positive outcome. Take up martial arts. Learn a new instrument. become a bodybuilder. Write a book. Anything than can consume you .

Don't let "what happened" define you. Your decisions define you.

I'm here to tell you, having been in a frighteningly similar situation, that you do not want this woman in your life. No good will come of it. Everyone is giving you the same advice in this regard. Why? Because we've been there, or we've had friends who have been there. It doesn't work.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I really am. If you can let her go and do something profound with your life, you will find a fulfillment you've never known. If you go back with her, you might be happy for a short while, and then you'll be content, and then you will be unhappy - far worse than you are now.

Loving a spouse doesn't make a relationship work. Liking them does. I don't know about you, but from what you've written, I dont' think anyone here likes her...

Do you?

GAD

 

[Poboy]

if you had put up a poll of either
1. move on
2. give it a shot

you would see a clear answer.
stop being a doormat and move on. the fact you haven't moved on in 2 years is why you are in this situation now. if you had , you would be someone else or just wouldn't care of her.

she is not in love with you. if she was , she wouldn't get knocked up by someone else and have multiple partners after you.

go into absolute no contact zone with her and move on with your life. life is too short to live in the past. take with you the good memories and forget the rest. learn from it , there are many women out there who will give you respect and love you deserve.

 

[ingwe]

Well, I can't offer you the advice you seek because giving advise is dangerous business and even the Wise cannot see all ends. (yea, I know...

)

But, I would caution you regarding the music to which you listen during this time.

For me, hearing Dire Straights' "Romeo & Juliet" takes me back almost twenty years--an emotional punch in the stomach.