[MetalManCPA]

This past week was a tough one, especially for my wife.

Six months ago we found out her sister Donna (49 years old with two daughters ages 20 & 15) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given around six months to live. Over the following several months, Donna seeked treatment in the U.S. with traditional treatment, and went to Tijuana for treatments not approved by the FDA. In December, we went down to FL to visit her and see a surprise wedding of our neice who wanted her mother to see her get married just in case her mother was to die. It was a bittersweet trip. But, Donna still looked OK. With treatment going on, there was always some ray of hope even though we knew that for the most part, pancratic cancer has no cure.

My wife went to FL again in Feb to visit, and she said Donna looked a little more tired, but she was still getting around.

My wife and I just got back from FL as we visited Donna again. It's amazing what changes can occur in a short period of time. For the most part, Donna acts like a 90 year old. She gets out of bed at 10, sits in a chair until 2 o'clock nap time, gets back up at 5:30 for dinner, and back to bed by 8:30. She looked frail, and when we left FL on Friday, my wife and I agreed she did not look well. But, she was still receiving treatment, and even though we really know she is dying, there was still that ray of hope that some treatment would work.

This Saturday Donna fell (due to an electrolyte problem). She went to the hospital and fell again. They ran tests on her. The word came out Saturday night that the medical world was pulling the plug on her treatment, and there was nothing else they could do as the cancer had just spread too much. They gave her two months to live, IF she decides not to give up. So she will go home, and take pain pills and deteriorate.

Although my wife and I knew six months ago she would probably succomb to the cancer, hearing an "official" word makes it tough. It's hard for me to watch my wife thinking and crying about her sister. It's hard to see my in-laws living with the fact they they will be outliving one of their daughters.

Death sucks but is inevitable. When it's time, it's time, but it's still difficult to deal with. I can see where some people say dealing with an instantaneous death of a person close to you is "easier" to deal with because it's so sudden as opposed to living with an impending death for a length of time.

This is the first time my wife and I have dealt with the death (impending) of a close family member where it is painful. We've had grandparents die, but in all cases they lived into their 80's and beyond, so it was expected and not as painful. To "wait" for somebody to die is hard, and especially when it's "before their time" (my wife and I know this saying is aged based only, for at any time anybody can become sick and die).

 

[gpalmer]

In many ways it's a hard row to hoe. The one thing I would keep in mind at all times is that this person won't be here much longer and to be patient. It can get difficult as time goes by. We have had one of our close friends dying of brain cancer down here and it's been stressful. She really isn't herself anymore and often goes into episodes where she will repeat the same things over and over for hours. All the same though, as her friend it's important to me to make sure that she still feels loved and has people around her who care.

 

[KenW]

Watched my mother-in-law go down that same road. Stomach cancer. She went in for surgery which was to take 4-6 hours. When the surgeon entered the room where the family was waiting in only 30 minutes time, I knew it wasn't good. Cancer had spread to every vital organ system. She began treatments which we knew were a long, long shot. Watched her deteriorate from day one. To this day, my wife swears she will never go through treatment after seeing what it did to her mother. It's hearbreaking, painful and to this day(this happened many years ago), upon seeing a photo or having something jog her memory of her mom brings her to tears. It's a pain that simply stays with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Deiz]

The modern death is not a pretty thing. I've watched three people in my life deteriorate and be kept alive by medical means alone, doing what seems to merely prolong their suffering.

Grandfather, mother's side was diabetic, and was a big, tall guy, fun to be around, and yet, for the last year of his life he lived on-and-off in a hospital bed, waking for 3 or so hours a day to eat gruel, and talk to people for a few minutes before he had to sleep again.

Grandfather, father's side was a mechanical genius who put up a large portion of all the antique TV antennas you see around Toronto, and made visits to junkyards every month collecting things to 'fix.' Yet in his last five years, he had two strokes, Alzheimer's, and in the last month of his life he couldn't even remember his wife's name - Fact is, he was ready to die after the first stroke, but they kept him alive.

And, closest to me, was my father - He was undiagnosed bipolar for many years, and when he tried to take his life in the middle of winter out on the road with a handgun, they finally got him some psychiatric help - So, looks like the medical world's doing some good - Or not. It was voluntary to stay, and he ended up leaving after a day. He ended up trying to kill himself again, and the third time around, succeeded.

Just a few of my experiences with death. It really is sad to see people deteriorate to a level where they are kept alive by machines, with a terminal illness.

 

[verymagicalguy]

It is a sad thing when cancer comes along. This is my mother's second diagnosis of breast cancer. She is fighting it, and it is difficult.

 

[Morph201]

I can definitely empathsize. I lost my grandfather 5 years ago to lung cancer and it was very difficult to watch and deal with, for the most part he took on the role of my father, because I was in denial, it wasn't until the very end that I acknowledged what was going on. To this day I still experience moments of depression because of the loss. Just recently, within the last 9 months, I watched my wife's father go through his transition into the next life. He refused dialysis, and even though we didn't agree with his decision, he respected it. This was my first time witnessing it on a day to day basis, it's not something that I deal with too well, and developed sever anxiety attacks afterwards. Even reading your story (OP) is having an impact on me, but I know that it's something I must face, which is why I chose to still read your post.

 

[Bob_McBob]

I always wonder how I will handle situations like this. I have absolutely no experience with death or major illness within my close family or friends. I'm 23, all four of my grandparents are still around, and I've never personally known anyone who isn't still alive and in good health right now. The closest I've come to dealing with death is running over a cat on the highway (seriously, who lets their cat outside when they live beside a ****ing highway?!), and I have felt dreadful about that for years.

 

[BlindTiger]

This is one ride I'm dreading. Having seen my father die quickly was hard enough. Now to go through this disease with my mother.
We're just living in 3 month cycles waiting for the scan results.

 

[The Pieman]

My parents outlived my sister, who died 20 years ago in a car accident. This is something parents never get over and it has knocked them around alot over the years. It is somthing I think about alot too.

My dad has had three different types of cancer and survived them all. He is still on a treatment, but is in reasonable condition considering he turns 80 in a month. He is lucky in that he still has a pretty good quality of life, with some restrictions in that he is not all that mobile. He just bought a new BMW 2 months ago on the advice of his oncologist! But I think even he realises that the big "C" will get him sooner or later. I think about this alot and have no idea how I am going to handle or deal with it.

You are not alone with your thoughts.

 

[Thelonious Monk]

i feel your pain. my grandmother is going through the same thing right now. to make the situation worse, i am currently living with her...

 

[funch]

We just lost a very good friend a couple of weeks ago. He had colon cancer, which eventually spread to his liver. He was only 58. Last year, my wife lost both of her parents, about 6 months apart. Her dad was 82 and had been on dialysis for 7 years. Her mom had 2 strokes, the second of which took her. Also last year an old friend of my wife's came home to find her husband dead of a heart attack. Last fall, I had one of my former 7th grade students (girl) die from Lupus. Last Sunday, a former student (boy) committed suicide at age 17. My wife and I had both kids in school. We've both had enough death for a while. One thing we've learned from her folks is, if you don't want anyone to keep you alive artificially, you need to do a DNR. That takes the burden of making the decision off of your loved ones, and keeps the medical world from trying to keep you alive at all costs, which, without a DNR they're basically required to do. It's also a very good idea to name a medical power of attorney to make any decisions in case you can't. Yeah, I know, none of us are old enough to need to worry about it, right, but ............. ?

 

[Absorbine_Sr]

My mother has outlived 3 of her 4 children. I'm the only one of the 4 natural children left (she and my dad raised a cousin who is, for all intents and purposes, my little brother). It breaks her heart to have seen them die. My sister died at 33 of cancer, and both of my brothers succumbed to cancer complicated by alcoholism and stubborness. My closest brother died last December. It was heart wrenching to see him wither and die. We tried to make it easier for him - provide hospice care, pain relief, whatever he needed. He refused it all and ended up dying alone. It still breaks me up. All we wanted was to help.

I have no real advice to give you MetalManCPA, other than to make sure you do what you can to let Donna know that you love her. Make what time she has left as easy as it can be for her, and grab onto the good memories. Though the pain will be sharp, it will fade with time and you can remember the good times then.

Mike

 

[plainsong]

We're here with you. My brother-in-law battled a brain tumor for seven years. In that time they'd take it out, and it would grow back, each time bigger and faster. He was operated on 3 or 4 times. In that time he and his partner had a little girl, who's now 4.

We knew it would end, but it came so quickly. He took a last-ditch trip the UK last spring to see Mathew Manning. Those who don't know who that rear end in a top hat is, he's on James Randi's target list (he answered my email and let me know this rear end in a top hat is on his list. Randi rules!). It's a win-win situation for Manning. People feel they have nothing more to loose to go to him, and he has everything to gain (like the Bentley and Boxster in his driveway). It was a nice trip for my husband and his brother, but it was the last.

My grandpa on mom's side isn't doing so hot these days. He's just finished up his chemo recovering from lung cancer, and the prognosis is excellent, he's as healthy as a horse according to the doctors, but mom's saying that his mind isn't what it was. Hopefully having to look after the puppy will give him a reason to get better.

 

[F107plus5]

I am currently living with the same heart condition that killed my Mom. And I'm currently four years older than she was when she died.

I think of that every now and then.

...and then and now.

We had vastly different hospital stay experiences though. She was in the hospital for four hours. I was there for almost two weeks. I went home though.

 

[MdRex]

I had to go thru the death of a family member because of cancer and it was horrible. Especially when you have to watch him slowly die away. I still cry when I think about those times in hospital.