[blessingx]

Lori Gottlieb, the author of the settling piece, was just on Talk of the Nation. Haven't heard it yet, but thought I'd link in case anyone wanted to listen.

 

[tylernol]

I sat here writing, and then re-writing, then scratching, then changing my post a few times. This is a very difficult subject. This love game is huge. There are, however, things you can do to increase your chances. Doesn't that just make sense?

You can sit there and think that women should be chasing guys, or you can accept that women have that special hole, and that we have to make the jump into it. (hehehe)

Lead in the relationship and all will be given to you. Not all girls are "100% matured" into that "all-in-one package". When I say not all, I mean few. And even less so that are a match to you. They get refined through experience, through interactions with guys, through everyday living. Why not be the guy to take the 70% girl to what you consider to be 100? When she's not so refined and you have something to work with? This is done through reinforcement of good things, just as us guys are reinforced when she does smth we like b/c of smth we did. It works both ways, and to be one-sided like MOST guys, is just stupid. You can't expect to just fill the gap to please her. What about the things she has to do to please you? This, is settling. Settle for friends. Your lover is supposed to be special.

Hell, most guys don't even know what they WANT, how the heck are you gonna find that girl then? Must be ****ing hard. Again, if you want somebody who's smart and reads books, go to a library. You want a girl who's into nature, go and hang out at a gear store.

The new generation of guys and girls is here. Interaction has changed, especially with things like myspace. People constantly giving others "your so hot"s (i spelled your that way cuz I laugh whenever I see it, just a personal note... hehe) Meeting ppl on the internet is ... usually... bad. You can be whoever you want on the net. You can be a self-appointed dating guru or you can be a loving, caring, beautiful woman with lots of friends. Meeting somebody face-to-face is hard and where it's at. Go get 'em. There's lots of practice out there.

Oh yeah, that brings me to another point.. you can't MAKE a relationship work. If the timing isn't right, it's not right. Move on and go find sm1 else. If you like her, yet she's not into you and just wants to be friends, then be friends. Plus, having girl friends is usually a good thing, just don't get feelings for them. Use the friends for those long talks about your feelings so that you don't use the girl you want to start a relationship with to do that, until later, or she'll label you into "the friend zone". It's just putting more odds in your favor. This game is big, it's not something to take personally. Go have fun with it, learn, love, live, laugh.


Tyler

 

[Jaw007]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arainach /img/forum/go_quote.gif The articles ignore a very real possibility: That single people can actually be happy. This "American" tradition of 'find one person at a young age and give your love only to them for the rest of your life" is not a universal historical fact, and really, when you look at the details, isn't even that terribly common in the context of history. If people are single and happy, let them be. Also, it's sad but true that marriage makes zero economic sense for men in today's world. You have nothing much to gain and everything (or at least half of everything) to lose.

X2 I agree to -You have nothing much to gain and everything (or at least half of everything) to lose.

 

[Know Talent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaw007 /img/forum/go_quote.gif X2 I agree to -You have nothing much to gain and everything (or at least half of everything) to lose.

when I was younger all my friends would ask when I was going to get married and now that we're all older and wiser they tell me to stay single

 

[Jaw007]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Know Talent /img/forum/go_quote.gif when I was younger all my friends would ask when I was going to get married and now that we're all older and wiser they tell me to stay single

I prefer to stay single now,I learned my lesson,and so has many friends.
You can lose big time when a woman leaves.I'm not saying all marriages end up on the rocks,just most of them.LOL

 

[tylernol]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Know Talent /img/forum/go_quote.gif when I was younger all my friends would ask when I was going to get married and now that we're all older and wiser they tell me to stay single

I don't agree with that! If you're happy single, then you've conceded and quit. Which CAN be what someone might want, but most of the time, I'm sure somebody would rather be with somebody; that somebody who is compatible, that is everything they ever thought. I don't believe it has anything to do with being happy single. I think it has to do more with a vivid and real possibility that our thoughts of what "the one" is supposed to be is WRONG, and that we can't face that and change both us and our perceptions of what "the one" is supposed to be.

The reasons your friends say that is because they settled.

This kind of steps into the realm of defining us. Which is something each of us has to do ourselves. In doing so, you bring yourself to be yourself. It sounds like you're defined by your friends by your "they tell me to stay single" statement. What do you want to do? Trust their (obvious) misjudgments or make some of your own? Do you want to blindly follow some advise or open your eyes and see for yourself? It won't hurt long, I promise. It's like a bandaid.


Tyler

EDIT: Disclaimer--I won't be posting in this thread any more. I might be stepping on toes and getting into the very real of what people see of themselves and thus I'm attacking egos and entire visions of life and surrounding. I don't want to further this. Thanks.

 

[Know Talent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tylernol /img/forum/go_quote.gif I don't agree with that! If you're happy single, then you've conceded and quit. Which CAN be what someone might want, but most of the time, I'm sure somebody would rather be with somebody; that somebody who is compatible, that is everything they ever thought. I don't believe it has anything to do with being happy single. I think it has to do more with a vivid and real possibility that our thoughts of what "the one" is supposed to be is WRONG, and that we can't face that and change both us and our perceptions of what "the one" is supposed to be. The reasons your friends say that is because they settled. This kind of steps into the realm of defining us. Which is something each of us has to do ourselves. In doing so, you bring yourself to be yourself. It sounds like you're defined by your friends by your "they tell me to stay single" statement. What do you want to do? Trust their (obvious) misjudgments or make some of your own? Do you want to blindly follow some advise or open your eyes and see for yourself? It won't hurt long, I promise. It's like a bandaid. Tyler EDIT: Disclaimer--I won't be posting in this thread any more. I might be stepping on toes and getting into the very real of what people see of themselves and thus I'm attacking egos and entire visions of life and surrounding. I don't want to further this. Thanks.

Your comments betray your age and experience

 

[dbfreak]

Understand, that there is no formula to dating, settleing and happiness.

 

[tyre]

.

 

[Tyson]

tylernol, sorry man, I try to read your post and I just phase out after about 2 sentences. Not saying you ramble, but, well you do. Brevity is the soul of wit.

 

[Kasp3r]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyson /img/forum/go_quote.gif tylernol, sorry man, I try to read your post and I just phase out after about 2 sentences. Not saying you ramble, but, well you do. Brevity is the soul of wit.

I find his advice very interesting and the way he types has no affect on me. Sucks to be you.

 

[Tyson]

I'd agree with you if I were 15, but alas I guess it sucks to have an older viewpoint. So yeah, sucks to be me. Reminds me of what Tchaikovsky said about Brahms - his craft outstrips his inspiration.

 

[Kasp3r]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyson /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'd agree with you if I were 15, but alas I guess it sucks to have an older viewpoint. So yeah, sucks to be me. Reminds me of what Tchaikovsky said about Brahms - his craft outstrips his inspiration.

Ah you changed my view point, I wish I was as old as you, so wise and brave. So yeah, sucks to be me. Reminds me of what Brahms said about Tchaikovsky - his sandwich out meats his bread.

 

[marvin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arainach Also, it's sad but true that marriage makes zero economic sense for men in today's world. You have nothing much to gain and everything (or at least half of everything) to lose.

Modern women work too.

Unless there are ridiculous lawyer fees involved, a man would not lose at least half or more unless he significantly outearns his wife. If salaries are close, COL savings along with an amicable divorce may mean that he could still come out ahead in a divorce.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyre /img/forum/go_quote.gif I found this to be an interesting read. Yes, it's mostly misogynistic, but the first few paragraphs about the way women are attracted to men seem like pretty valid observations. Quoted below in case the link dies.

Don't see it.

If women really were "greedy materialistic prostitutes" who "are not actually attracted to men", Asian males would be getting a lot more play in the dating scene. Materialistic value is high. Social standing's a wash. But they don't, solely because physical attractiveness is low due to genetic deficiencies in height and body composition.

The obverse is also true. Black men, despite significant disadvantages in the materialistic areas and often social status, are in high demand. Again, physicality wins out.

Sure, you might dismiss this bias as racism, but the end result is the same. Physical appearance is still a strong driving factor in women's decisions.

And rationally speaking, why is taking account of the full picture and rationally choosing a mate a bad thing? All of the things the rant mentions are proxies for the capability of the man to protect/provide for her and good genetics if she ever decides to have children. Basing attraction solely off of physical appearance is the part that's pathetic.

 

[Contrastique]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyre /img/forum/go_quote.gif I found this to be an interesting read. Yes, it's mostly misogynistic, but the first few paragraphs about the way women are attracted to men seem like pretty valid observations.

My god, how old are you

All the "qualities" in a man that were named in that article where women would fall for disgust me in a man. But hey, that could be just me..
Have you ever asked a woman for what reason she fell in love with, for example, you? I doubt you would get the answers as described in your interesting read.

For me, personally, I like the eyes. They can tell you a lot about a person. Also the way they interact with their enviroment, whether they are respectful, friendly, modest or not. The way they talk, if they have humour, that sort of things.
And I think, unconciously, scent is one of the most important factors here.
The one you fall for always smells delicious and according to science it has been proven it's because of a specific chemical content it has which appeals to you and attracts you.
It did also show that in that scent lies information about the immune system. They ran a test with women who had to smell the shirt of men (they didn't know or saw before) who just played basketball, and had to pick out the most sexy man just by the smell of the shirt. They all chose a man with a good immune system BUT different than theirs because when making babies their gene mixture would be of more benefit to the baby than it would have had with the same kind of immune system.

So sure, looks are what you build your first judgement of a person on if there hasn't been anything else, but to truly fall in love with someone and feel that's the one for all time is based upon more than looks. Scent, aka chemical mixture definitily has a bigger role here as well as the character of a person.

Of course there are people who just want to be with someone because of their money, power, status and looks and of course there are (wo)men who can't think for themselves but I think that's a whole different chapter, like the one about mental disability and media promoting that kind of aditude since it's all you see on the "precious" telly nowadays.