Oh my god! Manos: Hands of Fate. I cannot believe someone else saw that film. It was the only film I have ever seen that is entirely incomprehensible. It is like watching a train wreck. I love MST3k, but I have not seen it for years. I was much more of a Joel fan. I think the skits during his era were much more natural. There was also some secret agent/ James Bond take off that was really funny. It had a guy who looked just like Prince, and they kept harping on that. It was hilarious.
By the way, has anyone seen Yor: Hunter from the Future ? I don't know if it has been done on MST3k, but it really should be. It is a totally ridiculous Beastmaster type movie (as if Beastmaster wasn't bad enough). Here is a review that should give you an idea of what it is like:
http://www.stomptokyo.com/movies/y/y...om-future.html
My friend has the movie on beta, the only format on which one should store such a film.
Manos: The Hands of Fate.
Joe Schmoe, wife, whiney sprog and poodle are driving. And driving. And driving. And driving. And... you get the picture. This movie has the pacing of continental drift. At one point, an out-of-control wailing singer comes on the radio, making things just a li'l worse.
Searching for a Lodge where they were supposed to stay the night, they pass a young guy and gal in a parked sportscar, who are swigging liquor and sucking face. A building appears, with a small and peculiar man standing in front. Joe Schmoe expresses the sentiment that "maybe this would be a good place to stay the night". Joe has never ever seen a horror movie. And is a prize boofhead to boot.
The small and peculiar man is Torgo, acolyte of "The Master" and he is just a
mass of physical and facial tics. He appears to have nicked Gandalf's staff and is very unwelcoming. The Schmoes
still decide to stay the night.
Upon entering the house, they are confronted with what appears to be a portrait of the long-dead corpse of Arthur ('Allo 'Allo) Bostrom and a big scary dog. This is, apparently, the Master. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.
The poodle escapes, and is found dead. Then Torgo makes a seriously weird pass at Mrs Schmoe who reacts in glacial time. Then the irritating sprog vanishes, only to appear with a big scary dog. The Schmoes
still decide to stay the night.
Meanwhile, the kids in the sportscar are still exchanging saliva. Torgo, who intends Mrs Schoe to be the Master's next wife, clonks Joe on the noggin and ties him up. The Schmoes no longer have any choice in whether to stay the night.
After about an hour into the film, the Master finally wakes up in a dungeon with his first six wives. Will something exciting actually happen? Probably not. He recites a prayer to a statue of Manos, who looks like a bust of the Mekon. His wives all wake up and start complaining. Then, as the Master departs, they argue and all start beating each other up fairly randomly, to a John Coltrane-lite soundtrack.
The Master confronts Torgo and tells him that, although his wives were in suspended animation, they were aware of him creeping into the crypt and fondling them. Torgo tells the Master that he wants Mrs Schmoe for himself. A wife of the master finds Joe, snogs him, then starts hitting him. Meanwhile, some of the other wives are still fighting each other to the sound of frenetic Hard Bop. Coltrane must be tiring out some time about now.
Getting seriously miffed at all the domestic strife, the Master decides to sacrifice his tallest wife. And Torgo. Cue "liturgical dance" and two wives trying to slap Torgo to death. When that doesn't seem to be working fast enough, the Master burns off Torgo's hand and laughs. Then stops. Then starts again.
The Schmoes finally decide to leave. Then Joe shoots a rattlesnake and they decide to go back. I repeat, they decide to
GO BACK! Yep, back to pervy Torgo, his satanic Master, the fighty wives and a hellhound. The cops hear the shots and decide to investigate. Then they decide not to. In the house, the Master (seriously out of focus, but with his satanic pooch to comfort him) confronts the Schmoes. Joe Schmoe fires two shots. Black screen.
Then the movie appears to start AGAIN, as two entirely new characters drive through the desert for what seems like three hours. They pass the sportscar with the snogging kids, who are still at it (some kind of record attempt?) Arriving at the house, Joe Schmoe welcomes them as the new acolyte of the Master. Wifey and brat are now tied up in the dungeon, in a sort of undead state. Torgo, who ran off into the desert sans hand, is presumably now suing his agent.
In short, TripAdvisor, I give this hotel a solid three out of five.
