When my parents spanked me, they never did it out of anger. Just out of concern for me. Whenever I did something bad enough to deserve a spanking, my parents would take me to the bathroom, reassure me that they were about to do would hurt them as it hurt me, make me stick out my hands, and made me feel it.

I sure as hell was a better behaved child than most kids who's parents let them run free, or use pansy new age parenting techniques. My opinion, of course.

By the way, me and my parents are on fantastic terms. I couldn't imagine better parents and they couldn't possibly love me more.

16.

My adolesence sucks.

My childhood was pain.

I don't indend to make my adulthood this way.

My parents appear to be quite normal and passive and friendly but in my world they are very nonunderstanding and dont care about what i think.

They throw money at me a lot but I'd trade all of that for a decent talk.

EDIT: I swear I'm done derailing this thread.

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Don't feel guilty for sharing your feelings and experiences. Believe me, you're not alone. My father was not as aggressive as yours (I want to make that clear for those posters who try to rationalize the amount of spanking they do to their children as somehow more reasonable than what I went through), but I understand your feelings. You're not alone, and you will get through this. I do recommend seeing a therapist whenever you can, maybe when you get to university. University counselling is usually free or low cost. I didn't start to go to counselling until I was 30, and believe me, it has helped a lot. However, I know I will never be able to trust my father the way someone who was not spanked can. I will never get over that lingering fear of him. My mother passed away a few years ago, and because I am an only child, he will likely die alone. I'm not proud of that, but some things that happen as a child to you, you can't let go of. The important thing is to move on with your life, don't be afraid of getting help, and talk to your friends, lean on them for support.

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Funny thing is that my dad has never hit me. He yells at the top of his lungs until I breakdown and cry which I do because I'm a softie . What sucks is he's essentially pissed at me for defending my mother in expense of keeping up appearances with his family (who are very twisted - drugs, corruption etc.). My mom's family is in India. So I have 0 family support.

I'd like to say right now that if your parents don't yell at you or you have decent extended family to back you up. Wow you're lucky.

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Thats all right... theres nothing wrong with voicing your oppinions. Your contributions to the thread illustrate how mental abuse can be JUST AS HARMFUL to a young person as physical abuse. Furthermore, just because someone chooses to never spank their children, doesn't mean they can't abuse them in other ways that may end up being more harmful.

I hope you get the assistance you're looking for. I feel sorry for you, no one should have to deal with that . I had a GF in college who was raised by very strict parents, who (IMHO) abused her mentally. She lacked decision making skills, self confidence and to a small extent the self esteem that a "typical" young adult should have. She had no self confidence to really stand up for herself. It could have been her personality, but IMHO it was not helped any by her manipulative/controlling parents. Funny you mention it that way... My ex-GFs' parents threw TONS of $$$ at her for all kinds of superficial things in life. $600 purses, $250 shoes!!! all the time. But NEVER allowed her to make decisions on critical elements in her life.

This is a very informative thread and I am glad the mods have not locked it. It is making me think twice about my family life and how my wife and I raise our children.

**edit** The head-fi community is fairly young too. So getting feedback from younger members is JUST AS valuable (at least to me) as the feedback form the fellow parents.

peace,
Garrett

Yeah, I'm too lazy to go back and finish my post, but kramer, that's exactly what I feel I'm going through, perhaps to a lesser extent. My parents have always forced me into commitments, such as basketball, grades, some after school class (which I've gone to twice a week for what, twelve years now), and more. While I've always complained and argued my case, it's never had any chance of winning. I finally stopped playing basketball when there weren't enough people to make a team a few years back. I've been happier ever since. Now days I go to the gym three times a week, and I love this form of exercise so much more. The competitive edge of the organized basketball league really turned off my confidence, and thus, in those league games I'd play about 10% as good as when I would play for fun.

Anyway, I don't get much of anything from my parents, but if I constantly asked for something I'm sure I'd get it. Unless of course, my parents aren't able to comprehend the reason for me wanting or needing it. Supplements, quality nap time, headphones, about 50% of everything else important to me. Heck, I don't even buy things online through my father anymore. I can't stand the pestering. Instead, I order things through my sister who doesn't even live here anymore. I've worked for or have been given (birthday, Christmas, but still not much) all of my money, and I don't see why they have to monitor it. It's not as if I'm buying drugs or alcohol, as I'm showing them what I'm buying while I ask to let me buy it.

Moving on, I was definitely shy until the last three or so years. I had no self confidence, no pride, no voice. Now, though, It's quite a bit different. I still have no self confidence towards people who I may envy or fear in certain ways. But as my mind grows, so does my awareness, which is the key to resolving this issue. I think the problem will be relatively fixed in the next couple years, but I'll always feel the effects in the back of my mind. I don't think I will ever be strong enough to shake it off completely.

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Gosh, I missed that. It's not obvious from the original post:
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Is the reference to the governator the tipoff?

In any case, this thread's posts focus on whether a parent should elect to spank their children. This potential legislation raises the prickly issue of parental rights versus government control. If you want to offend someone, tell them how you think they should change their child rearing techniques (or the way they handle their dog but that's a different thread). If you want to outrage someone, tell them they have to change their child rearing. Whether the change is for the good of the child is irrelevant to many for whom the issue of "parental rights" is paramount.

That's what I meant by controversial.

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QFT, IMHO mental abuse is much more destructive than spanking. I've been spanked and being controlled by my mom. Spank doesn't hurt me much and doesn't cause any trauma for me. Being controlled, not trusted and threatened when I don't agree with her hurts much more. Fortunately for me, Since Junior high I went to school in a different city and only came home during weekend. At college, I went to different country (Australia). I'm much more independent than my younger brothers who have lived with my parents up to college.
It's sucks that now in US I have to lived with them again. Well, being the oldest son in chinese family, it's your duty and seeing how my brothers turn out, I can't trust them taking care of my parents. Unfortunately, I can't trust my mom taking care of my son. It's not the spanking that I'm worried about but the mental abuse she dissed out unknowingly is much more destructive IMHO.

I remember this one time, I caught a beating and my dad threw me out of the house (forcefully, you know, like the way Philip Banks used to throw Jazz out of the house) back in High School. I didn't really care then since I was in my super rebellious stage of my life. I walked to my friends house and just played video games. A few hours later, my mom called me and told me she was picking me up. During the short drive back, she was crying and telling me how it took the last 3 or 4 hours fighting with my dad about me.

Seeing my mom cry like that made the biggest impact on me. I could rebel all I want, but not after I saw the affects it had on my mom.

I know this doesn't have to do with spanking, but I felt like I wanted to share after reading many of the posts above.

450, you do not have to talk to a counseler or a psychiatrist. If you have a good friend that you trust, you can talk to them. But remember, not all good friends are people you can talk to this issue about. Some are more understanding, some are less, so make sure that person is more understanding. Just telling your story might alleviate some frustration, so they don't even have to respond.

When I was young, I was spanked, whipped, beaten, very often. During Fifth Grade, at age 11, I was beaten daily - fists, open hands, switches, belts, shoes, you name it. My teacher had suggested it to my parents. It was normal for me - I was sore/bruised nearly all the time. One time, I went to the YMCA to participate in kids' fun activities, and there was a furor about me - I was in my trunks, and wanted to go swimming, but the councillors wouldn't let me - they had noticed that my back was covered in crusty, weeping bloody and puss-y stripes, and they were worried that I might infect others, or so they said, after I asked why I couldn't swim.

At this time and place in history in the USA, male teachers and Principals of the schools all had paddles for spanking, and used them more or less often, as circumstances dictated. Students were pretty respectful, and fights/theft/disrespect was vanishingly rare - maybe one or two events of each type in the whole school year.

Neighborhood homeowners nearly all left their doors unlocked, whether home or away. Mothers and Fathers of other families often offered, and sometimes did, spank children not their own in an attempt to socialize them to the culture of the neighborhood. This was done in the front yard, in full view of others. Usually this was followed by a phone call to your home (if you were the offending kid) after 6 PM to your parents, explaining what the offense was. More often than not, this was followed by a spanking from my father, sometiimes with a walk to the neighbor's house for an apology, and sometimes with work/repair/chores to be done at the neighbors' house, in reparation - the whole neighborhood knew my shame. Other kids lived similarly.

Often, the next day the kid would go to school he/she would be taunted (Guy got a whippin, Guy got a whippin...) or sympathized with (what happened?)by the other students - many already knew what you did, who you did it to, and what you "got' for punishment. By the end of the school day, everybody knew.

On rare occasions, when a kid did something that was shockingly bad, the next Sunday, the Sermons in the town's Churches would be addressing that issue. This was like when an unmarried girl got pregnant, a kid was maimed, or something of value was destroyed, burned down or stolen. Often the Sermon would result in the stolen thing being returned, or the culprit being identified. If the transgression was truly offensive, the whole town would have a response, and the guilty party would be shunned/run out of town/distrusted for the rest of their life.

Spanking works! As you can tell from my previous post on this issue, I have modified the tradition to hand down to my Daughter - maybe my family is just a few generations behind the others posting here.

I (and nearly all of us from those times) turned out OK. Yeah, there were crimes, but not like now...Yeah there was disrespect, but not like now...Yeah there were out of wedlock pregnancies, but not like now...

I lived how we got here from those times, but I can understand how you young'uns could disbelieve all I have said here, but as far as my life, it is all true.

Do you truly believe corporal punishment is the answer? That beating those poor human beings is the solution -- or that the crimes, the attitude of today's youngsters and unwanted pregnancies are because of lack of spanking... Yes, lack of boundaries, guiding and discipline, all in all parenting, but lack of corporal punishment?

You even justified: "...spanked, whipped, beaten, very often. ... at age 11, I was beaten daily - fists, open hands, switches, belts, shoes, you name it."

Thank you for posting your comments, and with all respects, I am shocked. And sad.

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Interesting reading....

On one side the ones who can testify the positive outcome from the practice and on the other side the one who were negatively affected by it. By now we all know that the worst cases where not what we can imagine as the «benevolent» spanking praticed by caring parents. In most cases it was simply child abuse.

Despite the fact that we will all stay on our respectives position (as usual ) maybe, just maybe, the present thread will show how the practice of spanking can be included in the big picture: violence toward children.

Like it or not this come to it.

Amicalement

YEN:YOU MISREAD ME - My first post in this thread is what I agree with - that is nothing like what I experienced as a child, and what I suffered is nothing like what I used on my Daughter's upbringing.

I never did to her what was done to me.

I was (in my second post in this thread) just trying to put a historical perspective on what I lived through, and how spanking is much gentler nowadays, if used at all.