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worst date stories
Oct 21, 2013 at 1:14 AM Post #813 of 1,450
Oct 21, 2013 at 1:58 AM Post #815 of 1,450
I feel like every time I post here I'm essentially trolling, so here's something real for once.
 
I've actually had some pretty terrible experiences, but I've fought with myself to not say anything because I didn't want to drag it up. It's not even remotely funny. I was basically told on one date that I had no value as a friend or as a human being, and the girl spent about an hour systematically attacking me, trying to convince me that my friends didn't care about me and were lying to me. I think she was trying to get me to shout at her, but I was just so dazed that I remained silent. She then acted like the whole thing was over and in the past and was something somebody could actually forget about. That was enough for me. It was the culmination of a four year fascination I had had with this girl. The whole thing was ill fated from the beginning, for reasons I'm not even going to get into.
 
I don't think that she was a horrible person. I just think that she had a very messed up home life, particularly her relationship with her mother, and that that ultimately made her the way she was. Like I said above, I think she was seeking abuse by doing what she did, and I think that's because she was abused at home. I have no idea what she's like now. That whole thing was seven years ago, and it was the last time I ever saw her. It was also the last date I ever went on with anybody.
 
Oct 21, 2013 at 5:06 AM Post #818 of 1,450
Unfortunately, that's what happens sometimes. A lot of this was stuff I found out afterward, from people she confided in. Not that there was anything I could have done, but I might have tried something nonetheless. I don't think there was necessarily physical abuse. But you can devastate somebody psychologically, without laying a finger on them. All you have to do is keep moving the goalposts around, yelling at them for the same thing they did nine times before without incident, continually pushing them in one direction, then shifting on a dime; or else just telling them they're worthless whenever you're pissed at them (or at anything else in the world). You can also constantly get in their business and accuse them of hiding things and lying, which tells them you don't trust them. You can dole out punishments that are wholly out of proportion with the offense. You can tell them how disappointed you are with their performance at something, no matter how well they do or how much effort they put into it, which makes them lose self esteem. You can criticize the things they enjoy, the choices they make, the people they befriend. The list goes on and on. All this stuff taken separately might not seem like all that much, but put it all together, and add an element of inconsistency, so you don't even know what you're going to get next, and you've got abuse.
 
The thing is, I don't think I can let her off entirely scott free. She had a manipulative streak, as evidenced by all the various guys she had hovering around her, of which I was only one. She would play with our affections, roping us in when we started to drift away, then admonishing us when we got too close. Often times I had no idea what I had done wrong to set her off, which mirrors how things were at home for her. She would also move in on other girls' boyfriends, and then act oblivious when said girls got angry. In fact, nothing was ever her fault.
 
None of this was acceptable behavior. But it was all likely derived from something in her character that was exacerbated by the way she was treated. She should have known better, but really, could she, given her upbringing? At some point, as an adult, you need to learn what's right and what isn't. But that doesn't make it any easier if you've never had proper role models.
 
She did a lot of things like the story in my first post to me, though that was by far the worst. I could hate her. Quite a few people I know do hate her. But I can't. I just can't. Every time I get to thinking about our relationship--and make no mistake, I pulled some schiit with her, too--I just can't help but feel sorry for her. Wherever she is, I hope she's all right and that she's figured herself out.
 
Oct 21, 2013 at 7:39 AM Post #820 of 1,450
argyris said:
Unfortunately, that's what happens sometimes. A lot of this was stuff I found out afterward, from people she confided in. Not that there was anything I could have done, but I might have tried something nonetheless. I don't think there was necessarily physical abuse. But you can devastate somebody psychologically, without laying a finger on them. All you have to do is keep moving the goalposts around, yelling at them for the same thing they did nine times before without incident, continually pushing them in one direction, then shifting on a dime; or else just telling them they're worthless whenever you're pissed at them (or at anything else in the world). You can also constantly get in their business and accuse them of hiding things and lying, which tells them you don't trust them. You can dole out punishments that are wholly out of proportion with the offense. You can tell them how disappointed you are with their performance at something, no matter how well they do or how much effort they put into it, which makes them lose self esteem. You can criticize the things they enjoy, the choices they make, the people they befriend. The list goes on and on. All this stuff taken separately might not seem like all that much, but put it all together, and add an element of inconsistency, so you don't even know what you're going to get next, and you've got abuse.

The thing is, I don't think I can let her off entirely scott free. She had a manipulative streak, as evidenced by all the various guys she had hovering around her, of which I was only one. She would play with our affections, roping us in when we started to drift away, then admonishing us when we got too close. Often times I had no idea what I had done wrong to set her off, which mirrors how things were at home for her. She would also move in on other girls' boyfriends, and then act oblivious when said girls got angry. In fact, nothing was ever her fault.

None of this was acceptable behavior. But it was all likely derived from something in her character that was exacerbated by the way she was treated. She should have known better, but really, could she, given her upbringing? At some point, as an adult, you need to learn what's right and what isn't. But that doesn't make it any easier if you've never had proper role models.

She did a lot of things like the story in my first post to me, though that was by far the worst. I could hate her. Quite a few people I know do hate her. But I can't. I just can't. Every time I get to thinking about our relationship--and make no mistake, I pulled some schiit with her, too--I just can't help but feel sorry for her. Wherever she is, I hope she's all right and that she's figured herself out.
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Hmmmm.......sounds a lot like someone who used to be in my circle of friends.
I think that due to her upbringing her brain just got wired that way.
 
Oct 21, 2013 at 2:34 PM Post #821 of 1,450
argyris said:
  Unfortunately, that's what happens sometimes. A lot of this was stuff I found out afterward, from people she confided in. Not that there was anything I could have done, but I might have tried something nonetheless. I don't think there was necessarily physical abuse. But you can devastate somebody psychologically, without laying a finger on them. All you have to do is keep moving the goalposts around, yelling at them for the same thing they did nine times before without incident, continually pushing them in one direction, then shifting on a dime; or else just telling them they're worthless whenever you're pissed at them (or at anything else in the world). You can also constantly get in their business and accuse them of hiding things and lying, which tells them you don't trust them. You can dole out punishments that are wholly out of proportion with the offense. You can tell them how disappointed you are with their performance at something, no matter how well they do or how much effort they put into it, which makes them lose self esteem. You can criticize the things they enjoy, the choices they make, the people they befriend. The list goes on and on. All this stuff taken separately might not seem like all that much, but put it all together, and add an element of inconsistency, so you don't even know what you're going to get next, and you've got abuse.
 
The thing is, I don't think I can let her off entirely scott free. She had a manipulative streak, as evidenced by all the various guys she had hovering around her, of which I was only one. She would play with our affections, roping us in when we started to drift away, then admonishing us when we got too close. Often times I had no idea what I had done wrong to set her off, which mirrors how things were at home for her. She would also move in on other girls' boyfriends, and then act oblivious when said girls got angry. In fact, nothing was ever her fault.
 
None of this was acceptable behavior. But it was all likely derived from something in her character that was exacerbated by the way she was treated. She should have known better, but really, could she, given her upbringing? At some point, as an adult, you need to learn what's right and what isn't. But that doesn't make it any easier if you've never had proper role models.
 
She did a lot of things like the story in my first post to me, though that was by far the worst. I could hate her. Quite a few people I know do hate her. But I can't. I just can't. Every time I get to thinking about our relationship--and make no mistake, I pulled some schiit with her, too--I just can't help but feel sorry for her. Wherever she is, I hope she's all right and that she's figured herself out.
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You might want to google "Hostile Dependant" and read a little.
 
Oct 21, 2013 at 10:54 PM Post #823 of 1,450
Whatever the case may be, it ended over seven years ago now, so the point is moot. I have not sought her out in all that time, and I certainly know enough not to ever get involved again if she magically approached me. There are certain lines which cannot be crossed, and as enamored as I was with her, she finally crossed the line. What she did was wrong, and for what it's worth, some of the things I did were wrong, too. I can forgive her and hope she's doing well because I'm not a vindictive person, but I know it's for the best of both of us that we remain apart. I had a peculiar effect on her much the way she had on me, and while I'm pretty sure I got the blunt end of the stick, I know the relationship was painful for her as well.
 
I spent a lot of time thinking about it afterward, and I worked out a few things. I am an only child. I guess growing up that was pretty cool because it meant I got all the attention and stuff. But it's not the way most children are brought up, and it never occurred to me that it might have a negative effect as well. In all the time I knew this girl, despite her being my ideal physical type, I never once had passionate feelings about her. There was even a sense that such thoughts were "wrong" in her case. I finally realized, with the help of a very good friend, that what I was probably looking for in this girl was an older sister, not a mate. She took me under her wing and let me confide in her, and I had never had anything quite like that before. I guess I never realized how much I wanted it.
 
Now you understand me when I say she could never give me what I sought. She might not have come to the same realization that I did, but even as things were it was uphill for us. She was three years older than me. I met her when I was 14. Given how our society regards relationships that straddle the imaginary "of age" line, there were social and even legal pressures on her. Add to that her own issues, and perhaps even her own personal efforts to work out her fascination with me, and it wasn't exactly fun for her, either.
 
It was a complicated mess and the very definition of a dysfunctional relationship. Knowing what I know now, and, let's face it, not being flooded with teenage hormones, I probably would not have walked into such a relationship, and I certainly would not have spent four years of my life in it.
 
Oct 21, 2013 at 11:14 PM Post #824 of 1,450
And now that I've said all that, I want to apologize to everybody for taking the thread in such a dark direction, and I want to thank those who responded (some of them not directly in the thread) and had kind words for me. The whole thing was quite the experience, and at the worst time in one's life to have it, but I survived (and learned). I'm still fairly young, so there's lots of time for something good to happen. In the mean time, I'm just concentrating on getting through school, finding employment, and all that good stuff.
 
Oct 21, 2013 at 11:32 PM Post #825 of 1,450
argyris said:
  And now that I've said all that, I want to apologize to everybody for taking the thread in such a dark direction, and I want to thank those who responded (some of them not directly in the thread) and had kind words for me. The whole thing was quite the experience, and at the worst time in one's life to have it, but I survived (and learned). I'm still fairly young, so there's lots of time for something good to happen. In the mean time, I'm just concentrating on getting through school, finding employment, and all that good stuff.
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This thread went "Tales from the Crypt" long before your post
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