[jbloudg20]

I'll let my friend Biz Markee do the talking:

Oh Baaaabbbbbyyyy YOU. You got what I neeeeeeeedddd.
But You say he's just a friend, but you say hes just a friend.

And at the end of the song:
OH SNAP! Guess what I saw.
A fella tongue kissing my girl in her mouth.
I was so in shock my heart went down south.
So please listen to this message that I say,
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend.

 

[elrod-tom]

The first response from most folks in matters such as these is to dump the "cheating" ex. I must admit, that is more often than not the right answer...

You need to ask yourself three serious questions:

1) What role, if any, has my behavior played in this?

Stuff like this rarely happens in a vaccuum. I'm not saying that makes it OK, but you will want to consider how your behavior (justifyably or not) might have contributed to what happened in some way. If so, acknowledging it will help you to understand what she's going through, which will go a long way towards helping you answer question #2....

2) Do you both believe that the relationship - assuming that something like this never happens again - is worth saving?

It's not impossible to recover from something like this. One of the pitfalls of serious relationships is that the special newness eventually wears off. People sometimes find themselves caught up in something new and exciting...maybe it even reminds that person of what things when you first got together. Had they stopped to think about what they were feeling, they would know that it was wrong. This is the point where a LOT of relationships melt down.

Over the long haul, things like this can happen. When they do, it becomes a question of whether you want to deal with it, and if so, how.

I know that it SEEMS like she regrets that this has happened...but does she really? If so, does she also have the fortitude to stick with what she will no doubt come to see as a one-down position in your current relationship? That is not a comfortable position to be in, even if it is of one's own making.

3) Is she willing to abandon this "friendship" going forward?

This is the deal breaker IMHO...if she understands that she's done something wrong, she needs to take concrete measures to set it right. If she, after what's already happened, is unwilling to do this, it ought to speak volumes about where things are at with you as a couple.

One thing that is concerning: the e-mail passwords. This would seem to indicate that there's more going on here than meets the eye, and that there are things she doesn't want you to know about. That said, if she wanted to have an e-mail account that she didn't want you to know about, it would be pretty easy to ensure that you'd never know about it.

I've known a few couples who have managed to stay together for the long haul in circumstances like this, even after one of them committed a breach of trust and respect that was a LOT more serious than what is going on here. I've known a lot more who have tried and eventually failed to overcome the hurt and violation of trust. It's not impossible...but it's NOT EASY! It will take a lot of work from BOTH parties.

The difference will likely come down to whether or not BOTH parties consider the relationship to be worth saving in spite of it all, and whether they were willing to do the work needed to set things right.

Good luck, whatever you decide

 

[Ooztuncer]

well, first of all, I am sorry not to read pages between 2 and 5, but here is my suggestion after reading the 1st page >>> listen to self-esteem from offspring for about half an hour, say what the heck and finish your relationship...

at least you will have something interesting to say after many years while drinking with your friends.

good luck - just enjoy the melodies...

 

[DavidMahler]

I actually think its very important, before making your final decision, to remember (and tell us so that we can advise you accordingly) how and when you found out about this crush. Did she come out and shock you with it, were you pressuring her cause you suspected it all along? how did it happen?

Also, I feel two coworkers going to the beach (presumably at night) is worse than dinner. Dinner has a motive (eating)......Beach is a romantic forum. It sounds to me that this coworker may have a little crush on your girlfriend. And remember you she didn't innitially tell you about the Beach, you just found out last night, which means......there's more you don't know and its going to drip out

If she was CRYING......she did something wrong.

 

[redshifter]

Hey RX7 don't be a "penis under glass". You know, where she can break the glass in an emergency and use you whenever she wants?

From what she told you about the date, if it was me I would be certain she slept with the guy, and probably others.

 

[DavidMahler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by redshifter /img/forum/go_quote.gif Hey RX7 don't be a "penis under glass". You know, where she can break the glass in an emergency and use you whenever she wants? From what she told you about the date, if it was me I would be certain she slept with the guy, and probably others.

I do agree you should leave her but I would bet money she did not sleep with the guy.

 

[ecclesand]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidMahler /img/forum/go_quote.gif I do agree you should leave her but I would bet money she did not sleep with the guy.

YET....

 

[RYCeT]

Ok, This has gone for 5 pages and I can't believe no one has asked any picture of her yet. To have a balanced opinion and good suggestion of what to do at this point, We need Her Pictures.

 

[redshifter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidMahler /img/forum/go_quote.gif I do agree you should leave her but I would bet money she did not sleep with the guy.

Yes but we are talking about what I think. In which case I would win your bet.

I'll keep my advice short: it takes two to tango. Both want to believe their contribution to the relationship is uniformly good, and will blame the other completely for problems they both created. Often the blamed then feels guilty, allowing the other to walk all over them, saying "you make me do this". And so it goes.

Recognize this when it happens, and don't get caught in the blame/guilt thing. Bad relationships rot the soul and cause cancer.

 

[saboteur1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RYCeT /img/forum/go_quote.gif Ok, This has gone for 5 pages and I can't believe no one has asked any picture of her yet. To have a balanced opinion and good suggestion of what to do at this point, We need Her Pictures.

I'll one up you:

[size=large]THIS THREAD IS USELESS WITHOUT PICTURES![/size]

 

[LFF]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edwood /img/forum/go_quote.gif Translation: She is keeping you as a back up in case it doesn't work out with the new guy. a.k.a. The Bigger Better Deal. Hate to say it, it's time to move on, Andy. Or at least play the field a little, since she doesn't seem to want to be exclusive with you. But if you don't want to play that type of game, it's best just to end it. -Ed

Andy my friend!! Sorry to hear about this!

I think Ed has given you some great advice here. It does seem like she is keeping you as a back up in case it doesn't work out with the friend. However, this is from knowing her generally. You should know her better and thus you should act accordingly. This really depends on how you want to play the game and how liberal you are.

That being said, here is how I would handle it:

1) If you KNOW she is worth it, and you KNOW she LOVES you, then it may just be a harmless crush. Don't worry about it too much but be cautious. While she may love you and you know you can trust her, the other guy may not respect any of that and make his move. We are all prone to make mistakes.

2) If you feel she is worth it and that a future relationship with her is worth the extra effort, then give her some space and see if the bird flies back home. This may give you a free pass in the future.

3) If you feel she *might* be worth it, then play the field a little since there is no exclusivity and see if she reaches out to you to work things out.

4) If you feel she is not worth it, then cut the BS and go with your gut and end it now. It will save both of you some time and extra grief.

5) If you are not sure, then end it. Not being sure about a relationship, especially about your partner, to me at least, is the same as taking a business risk - if your not sure that you will win - don't take the chance.

6) If your extremely liberal.....THREESOME!!!

There are a multitude of ways you can handle this. The above is just what I would ask myself. When an old girlfriend of mine said the same thing to me (I like this guy, had lunch with him, etc etc) it took me 10 seconds to turn the car around, drop her off and break it off. She came back to me that same night. Then again, I never saw that relationship as something serious so I had no trouble taking her back.

I think Ed, knowing you and your girl, gave you some wonderful advice.

Remember, there are many fish in the sea and there is more than one soulmate for each of us. Best of luck and I wish you the best. Hope it all works out for you.

 

[choomanchoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by saboteur1 /img/forum/go_quote.gif One solution is demand that she take you AND her "friend" out to lunch/dinner. If he's "just a friend" then I'm sure she won't mind you meeting him.

I like where this is going, lemme just add to this if you don't mind,
then right after lunch/dinner you ask him if he wants for the both of you to double team her, wait wait before you say anything, if he answers yes then you know all he wants is some tail, and you should immediately shank him in the knee with a butter knife, but if he says no, then you might just be looking at just one of her friends, and shake his hand.

 

[EyeAmEye]

Send the elevator straight to the ground floor, and boot her out. As others have suggested, this technique of telling part of the story (the innocent, high school crush, wow how sweet) is meant to gain your confidence that she is coming clean. It's shocking how many people fall for this. Do yourself a favor and cut the cord, the misery you will put yourself through isn't worth it.

 

[Superpredator]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RYCeT /img/forum/go_quote.gif Ok, This has gone for 5 pages and I can't believe no one has asked any picture of her yet. To have a balanced opinion and good suggestion of what to do at this point, We need Her Pictures.

I concur.

 

[rx7_fan]

Thanks Luis, Ed, (where's aaron and Bill =) ? the other Andy, and all of you who took time to give your opinion. I decided to give it another try since we have been together for 6 years and for what she told me, it seems like a harmless crush. It could be a decision I would regret, but I think I will sleep better at night knowing I tried my best at something rather than just giving up when things get tough. As for her, if she's lying to me, then that's something she got live with, and live a lie. I think people deserve a second chance, and she came out and tell me so I think that deserves merit.