Your problem here is you'd like to know how loud is too loud based on a volume setting on your iPhone. Since headphone sensitivity varies, and even if you knew it you don't know the specific power of your iPhone at a volume setting, what you really need is a reference.
Here it is: normal speech at conversation distance in a room with average to low background noise ends up at 65 - 70dB SPL. If you set your music level, then take the cans off and listen to a someone talk, you'll have a rough reference. A +10dB change is perceived as a doubling in volume, and a -10dB change, cutting volume in half. If your music sounds twice as loud as conversation, you're running 75 - 80dB SPL, which is still safe for fairly long periods. Peaks in music will go higher, and that's still safe, as long as they are momentary.
You may need to compare speech and your music several times to get a good feel for it. Take your time.
Also keep in mind that the iPhone's volume setting is just a setting of it's own internal control and does not represent the volume of anything its playing. Music can be mastered to be very loud, or not. There is actually a rather startling range, about 15dB or so, between mastering levels, but as a rule contemporary pop, rock and country are all mastered loud to win the loudness war. Anything older than 15 years, probably not so much. Anything 25 - 30 years old, probably fairly low levels on the master.
iPhones and iPods have a tool called "Soundcheck", which you can switch on. It scans each track for a level, and applies a fixed correction during playback. The idea was to prevent uneven volume levels as you play back all kinds of music. It's not perfect...not by a long shot...but much better than nothing. A very useful tool if you're concerned about being careful with play levels. You'll find it in Settings/iPod/Soundcheck for the iPhone.