[SkyBleu]

Well, it seems like we slipped off the puns and onto one liners, so I won't stop you, but I'll join in! Haha.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because you didn't cook it properly.

 

[wink]

I met a farmer who was out standing in his field

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

I met a farmer who was outstanding in his field.......    tish boom

 

[wink]

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance....................................

 

[wink]

Where does the general keep his armies?
 
Up his sleevies.

 

[wink]

Why couldn't the vacationers play cards on the cruise liner?
 
The captain stood on the deck.

 

[wink]

How much can a koala bear?
 
It can't.  It's a marsupial.

 

[gideon228]

Two crows sitting together were charged with attempted murder

 

[wink]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the  British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for  improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become  known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will  replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump  with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should  klear up konfusion, and keyboards  kan have one less letter.

There  will be growing publik enthusiasm in  the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".  This will make words like fotograf 20%  shorter.

In the  3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling  kan be expekted  to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are  possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double  letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate  speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the  silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go  away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such  as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz  yer, ze unesesary "o"  kan be dropd from  vords kontaining "ou"  and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil  sensibl riten  styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil  find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali  kum tru.

Und  efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze  forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza  pepl.
 

 

[Hi-Finthen]

The Onion's Tips For Finding A Suspected Terrorist

INFOGRAPHIC  • Terrorism • Violence • News • ISSUE 49•16 •Apr 17, 2013

1. 1.6K​
2. 583​
3. 38​

1. Invest hundreds of millions of (borrowed commie capitalist) dollars into signs that say, “If You See Something, Say Something.” Put a phone number on those signs. Wait for phone to ring and the information to come pouring in.
2. Be straight with potential suspects and ask them point-blank, “Are you a terrorist?” People tend to come clean if they can sense you respect them enough to be direct.
3. Maybe a little torture?
4. One of the best places to find terrorists is anywhere that lots of decent people are minding their own ******* business.
5. Is your suspect an Arab? If not, you just have to start again. Yes, it’s frustrating, but you just have to.
6. Be the terrorist you want to find.
7. Lull the suspected terrorist into a false sense of security by pretending to grant his demands and instituting a global religiofascist / totalitarian monoculture.
8. Take away civil liberties, make country feel like a police state. That sort of thing.
9. You’re going to want to rule out Evan. Don’t.
10. Try to create the appearance of some guy you just don't like , into reacting like ya know, terrorist like ; have an undercover or informant or neighborhood watch type throw their bike into the side of their car (even if only proceeding at 2mph on a one way) and verbally assault potential terrorist (police car staged to arrive on scean 1 1/2 minutes after impact , hollering authortatively to the driver, " What are YOU doing down here" and gauge reaction ; Stun gun on ready ,swat on speed dial , and hope for the best ;') 
11. If a decade and a week goes by and no luck, you just gotta let it go, ya know ? 
    

 

[Hi-Finthen]

The NSA Can't Tell Bernie Sanders If It's Spying On Him,

Because That Would Violate His Privacy - or worse !

 
WASHINGTON -- The National Security Agency has told Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) that it can not
answer his question about whether THE NSA collects information on members of Congress because
doing so would violate the law - And, they don't want to be caught lying to Congress again - and if Senator
Sanders knew the truth then the NSA might have to drone strike him like they would like to that little snotnosed
Snowden this sh!tstorm maker himself ! 
 
A great time to read 
Joseph Heller's "Catch22" , again!

 
================================================================================
JANUARY 11, 2014

CHRISTIE UNAWARE HE WAS GOVERNOR

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

1.  
2. http://twitter.com/share

1. PRINT
2. MORE

TRENTON (The Borowitz Report)—At a hastily called press conference today, Chris Christie revealed that he only became aware that he was the governor of New Jersey in the past seventy-two hours.
“Unbeknownst to me, some people I thought I could trust were secretly working to elect me governor of this state,” a visibly stunned Christie told reporters. “I have acted swiftly and fired them all.”
While asserting that he had terminated all of the people who were involved in the scheme to elect him, he said that, if he finds additional conspirators, “I will deal with them accordingly.”
Christie struggled to explain how he remained in the dark about being governor, a position he has held since 2010: “I guess I’m just not much of a detail person. People think I’m a micromanager. I’m not. If a bunch of people are going behind my back and plotting to make me the governor, that’s not the kind of thing I pick up on.”

Reflecting on his reaction to the news that he is the governor of New Jersey, Christie said he felt “angry, embarrassed, and humiliated, but mainly just sad.”
“It’s sad that this was allowed to happen,” he said. “It’s a sad situation for me and for New Jersey.”

 

[Hi-Finthen]

 

[Hi-Finthen]

JANUARY 20, 2014

MAYORS BULLIED BY CHRISTIE FORM SUPPORT GROUP

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

NEWARK (The Borowitz Report)—A support group for mayors bullied by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie held its first meeting today at the Prudential Center arena, in Newark.
Organizers of the gathering pronounced themselves pleased with the turnout, as bullied officeholders from all over the state filled the eighteen-thousand-seat venue.
The support group was the brainchild of Carol Foyler, the bullied mayor of Sea Ridge, New Jersey.
“All of these mayors have their own painful stories to share,” Mayor Foyler said. “We wanted to give them a safe space to do that.”

The event was interrupted fifteen minutes in, however, when power to the Prudential Center was abruptly cut off, plunging the arena into darkness.
A spokesman from Gov. Christie’s office said that the sudden power outage was part of a routine electricity study.

 

[wink]

What's the difference between a grand piano and a dozen eggs?

Spoiler: And.... The answer is......................

Have you ever tried to cook an omelette with a grand piano?

 

[Hi-Finthen]

  What's the difference between a grand piano and a dozen eggs?

Spoiler: And.... The answer is......................

Have you ever tried to cook an omelette with a grand piano?

 
You're just bustin' eggs , now  ;')
 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
JANUARY 21, 2014

FOX: OBAMA TO FORCE ALL AMERICANS TO BUY POT

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama is about to issue an executive order that would force all Americans to purchase a monthly supply of marijuana, the Fox News Channel reported today.
According to Fox’s Sean Hannity, who broke the story, Obama’s initiative is part of a broader plan to make weed available and affordable to every individual in the United States.
Under Obama’s plan, every American would be required to purchase a government-mandated amount of marijuana per month or face a penalty of up to two thousand dollars.

Hannity said that the President hopes to have the mandatory marijuana plan up and running by 2015, “but they’re still working on the Web site.”
Appearing on Fox, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) took issue with Obama’s recent remark that marijuana was no more dangerous than alcohol: “I saw that as an insult.”