[rsaavedra]

A woman tells her husband not to worry about removing the phone from their bedroom. He asked why, she replied the ringing was no longer a "shortcoming".

 

[The_Mac]

Clean:
So a dyslexic walks into a bra.....

Ever heard of the DNA? National Association of Dyslexics.

less clean:
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
Can't gargle sand.

funny:
There was a study done about jokes, and it turns out that the some words are just inherently funuy, and don't require a punchline. For example "So Gilligan and the professor are being chased by a prune-eating weasel with a chainsaw"

 

[Old Pa]

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.

"Och, huv yer no got anythin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70," said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic," asked the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible; but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it may be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case, we can bring the price down to say $40," said the dentist.

"Och that's still a wee bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin," said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose. I'll charge you only $5 in that case," said the dentist.

"Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. . . . . . "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

 

[Mr.PD]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[rsaavedra]

I received this by email, this is my kind of joke:

 

[Mr.PD]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rsaavedr I received this by email, this is my kind of joke:

LOL

That's great!!!!

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rsaavedr I received this by email, this is my kind of joke:

Cute joke. I wonder how many won't understand it?

 

[Edwood]

LOL!

-Ed

 

[Gopher]

A young man walks into a bar--orders himself up 5 shots of tequila.
Tells the bartender "I'm celebrating my first BJ tonite"
Bartender looks at the young man and says "well hot damn son! congratulations"
Then pours his 5 shots and then one more which he says is "on the house."

The young man looks at him and says "well sir, I appreciate the gesture, but if these first 5 don't get the tast out of my mouth, I kinda doubt yours will"

 

[SumB]

Q. How many shrinks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but the lightbulb must be willing to change.

 

[Old Pa]

Two Rednecks were driving east across the country. When they got to Texas they see a sign that reads "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD," so when they get to the filling station, they pulled in, get out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!"

The two Rednecks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! Those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"

 

[Old Pa]

A Woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said. "Nelson"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued. "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days every time she'd say "Beethoven," she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles,"
she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.

"********!" she yelled...

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks!

 

[ricks584]

A husband asks his wife: How come you never tell me when you have orgasms? His wife replies "You're never home!!!"

 

[The_Mac]

I was on my lunch break downtown, and I walked into a bar I'd never been into before (I like to take a three pint lunch, so seeing a new bar is like meeting a new woman). I walk in and there are all these cuts of meat hanging from the cieling. Nice T-Bones, porterhouses, new-york strips, and a huge grill on the back wall.

I walk up to the bar, order a pint, and ask what's the deal with all the meat hanging from the cieling. Barkeep tells me that if I want to, I can try to jump up and snag a cut with my teeth, and if I get one, they'll grill it for me, payt for my drinks, and send me on my way, but if I don't get one, then I have to buy a round of drinks for the bar.

I look around, a half dozen regulars at the bar, some other downtown folk eatring lunch at tables, about thirty in all. I sip my beer and tell the barman "No thanks barkeep, the steaks are too high".

 

[Mr.PD]

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the

digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of
complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business...
Now give me back my dog."