[JMT]

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "Ok, what about her earth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to thee her ****."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's canal then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephwase. I'd wike to thee her run!"

Please no PMs from anyone who may be vertically or oratorically challenged. I just thought that this joke was funny.

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And
since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless



==============================================

Dear Clueless:



Dump him. You're a New York senator now -- you don't need him anymore.

 

[chewmanji]

lame:

what's brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a STICK!!!!!

and even more elaboration on the koala/monkey in a tree joke:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was tied to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

-----

How do you stop a clown from laughing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

 

[emelius]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo
Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo
reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came
across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question.

His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it
would be possible to give to the astronauts
a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when
he saw one, a NASA official accompanying
the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told
an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the
microphone were brief. The NASA official
asked the son if he would translate what
his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed
uproariously. But he refused to translate. So
the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but
also refused to translate the elder's message
to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was
summoned. After he finally stopped laughing
the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these ********. They have
come to steal your land."



i'm not sure if there are any new jokes...just old jokes forwarded to different people via e-mail

...

 

[mikeg]

---

 

[Music Fanatic]

Quote:

Originally posted by mikeg ---

Arguably one of the best yet. OK, here's a real joke:

Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"
Nurse: "How do you feel?"
Patient: "A little down in the mouth"

 

[Old Pa]

Wally has been a mailman with a rural route for years. Everyday, he gets in, sorts his mail, and gets out to deliver to the people he’s known for years. With few exceptions, Wally’s known everybody on his route most of his life, except the new young couple fixing up the old Johnson farmhouse which is the last stop on Wally’s route.

A couple of days before Christmas, Wally is finishing up his route out by the Johnson place, when the young wife comes to the door and calls out to him “Hey, Wally, you got time for some breakfast?” So Wally goes in and this attractive woman fixes him an excellent big breakfast while his boots drip off by the door.

After breakfast, Wally is looking at the door when his hostess touches his arm. When he looks back at her, he can’t help but notice her bathrobe has dropped open and she’s not wearing anything under it to speak of.

“Hey Wally,” she says, “would ya have time to come upstairs for a few minutes?” So he goes up and has the absolute best time of his life.

So now Wally is back downstairs, all warm and glowing, getting his boots back on and heading out into the snow when the woman says, “Wait a minute.” She goes to her purse, gets out a dollar bill and hands it to Wally saying “Merry Christmas”.

This is just too much, and Wally asks her what’s going on.

“Well my husband and I were talking about what to get people for Christmas last night. When your name came up, my husband said “*** him, give him a dollar.” Breakfast was my idea.”

 

[nic.hobson]

I thought I saw your name on a loaf the other day.

Then I looked harder and realised it just said 'thick cut'


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fish in a tank

One says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?".


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Nic

 

[mekanoplastik]

Location: roman slavery boat 14:00h sunny day somewhere in the Mediterranean sea…………………all the slaves are rowing, tired and having a terribly hard time, all the sudden the capitain of the boat order them to stop and yells: “I have two news, a good one and a bad one….” The crew yells ”….the good one first, the good one first..” the capitan says “ ok….ok….here goes the good news: tomorrow Cesar is coming to this boat and will spend the day with us…..” then, all the slaves get all excited and happy, saying: ….” What a honor!!…how cool….weeee!!….weeee!!” but then one of the slaves asks “….and what are the bad news????? “ to what the captain responds laughing “ Cesar is coming to practice water ski….”

 

[xtreme4099]

heres some of those stupid "your mom is so" ... one liners ...

Geek:

Your Mom is so fat, if she was a c variable, her initialization would look like this: yourMom = (TFAT*) malloc(sizeof(YOUR_MOM)); //Stack Overflow

Your Mom is so fat that if one would calculate her Broglie-Wave-Length at the speed of 10^-50 m/s one would get 10^-90

Your Mom is so fat that she makes neighboring carbons split into 5 peaks on her NMR spectrum.

private int yourMom = 1; private boolean isSlut = false; while(Math.random() * yourMom < 1000){ isSlut = true; yourMom++; }

Your Mom tried to run a stepwise regression on nominal data

Your Mom has such an unstable neutron to proton ratio, she undergoes Beta-Positive decay even when her Xenon concentration is in equilibrium!!!

The integral of your mom is fat plus a constant, where the constant is equal to more fat.


Fat:

Your mom so fat when she wears corduroys you cant see the grooves.

Your Mom is so fat she sells shade in the summer

Your Mom is so fat she walked by the TV and I missed three episodes

Your Mom is so fat, she has a lifeguard for her cereal bowl

Your Mom is so fat she was overthrown by a small militia, she's now know as The Republic of Your Mom

Your Mom is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows and when she woke up her pillows were gone

Your Mom is so fat, when she went to the top of the St. Louis Arch it turned into a McDonald's sign


Your Mom is so fat that the local restaurant says maximum occupancy 45 people or your mom

Your Mom is so fat, after sex she smokes a ham.

Your Mom is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton

Your Mom's so fat she has to put a belt on with a boomerang

 

[BoyElroy]

• A chicken and an egg lying in bed together smoking a cigarette. One says to the other: "Well that solves that then".

• A gorilla walks into a pub, goes to up to the barman and say`s `beer`. Nervously the barman serves the beer. After half a dozen drinks, the barman goes to where the gorilla is standing and say`s, don`t see many of your type around`. The gorilla replies`at $5 a glass, I am not suprised `.

•Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink." The other - a Chihuahua owner - says "They'll never let us in with the dogs." The first replies "Just follow my lead" as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says "But, this is my Seeing Eye dog", and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog." To which the guy responds, "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"


•It was a very busy day in heaven, so St. Peter said that he would only see people who had died strange or heinous deaths. Two men came forward. St. Peter beckoned the first one, "How did you die?"

The first man said, "I live on the 25th floor, and I had suspected my wife of being unfaithful to me for years, so one day I decided to come home early from the office. I walked into our apartment and smelled mens' cologne, so I knew that he was there. I ran around like a madman, but I couldn't find him."

"Finally, I walked out onto the balcony and found a man hanging from the railing. I pounded on his hands with my fist, but he wouldn't let go! I pounded on his hands with my shoes, but he still held on. So, I went inside, get a hammer and pounded on his hands. Finally he let go and fell all 25 floors, but miraculously fell on some bushes."

"As I was watching him, he started to get up. This made me so upset that I went to the kitchen, grabbed the refrigerator, rolled it to the balcony, and then heaved it over the railing. It fell on the man and SPLAT - killed him. But, the strain was too much for my poor heart, so I died!"

St. Peter tells the man to enter heaven, and beckons the second man who says, "St. Peter, I live on the 26th floor and exercise in my balcony every day. I was on my treadmill and somehow slipped and fell over the rail, but still managed to hang onto the rail on the next floor. Next thing I knew, this maniac started banging on my hands with his fists, then banged on my hands with his shoes."

"But, I still held on. When he finally got a hammer and banged me with it, I could hold on no longer and let go. Miraculously I survived when I landed on some bushes. As I was trying to get up and walk about, out of nowhere comes this refrigerator and BANG!"

St. Peter tells the man to enter heaven, and beckons the next person in line. The man, naked, steps up and says, "St. Peter, last thing I remember, I was just hiding in this refrigerator..."

 

[Budgie]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's azement,
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little person. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now? He asks.
"No, what?"replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh-it out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[emelius]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?...


Two...one to screw in the bulb & one to hold the penis--LADDER!! i meant to say ladder!...

 

[Lindy]

A priest, a rabbi, a psychologist and a monkey walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"

 

[mbriant]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He awoke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."