averydonovan
Headphoneus Supremus
Really good ones Todd R and fractus2
Post your favourite joke here! Keep 'em clean !
- Thread starter Ptrick
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Todd R
Headphoneus Supremus
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Here's a couple more
-------------------------
A middle aged women decides to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter
girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
Drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "OK!!, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said,"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
-------------------------
A letter from Santa:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Dodge or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
-------------------------
A middle aged women decides to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the counter
girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
Drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "OK!!, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said,"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
-------------------------
A letter from Santa:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Dodge or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
sephka
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I don't know if this is really my favorite, but it's pretty good.
Communism: Standing in line for bread.
Capitalism: Hey, where'd the bread go?
Communism: Standing in line for bread.
Capitalism: Hey, where'd the bread go?
fractus2
Headphoneus Supremus
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This bit between Randal and the indecisive customer has me rolling everytime I see it.
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?
[Randal ignores her.]
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?
[Randal ignores her.]
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal Graves: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
tommyatkins
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Pirates are always funny.
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Calmer than ever, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Calmer than ever, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
chadbang
Headphoneus Supremus
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It's a hot, hot night in Alabama, not a breeze in sight as an evangelist stands preaching hell-fire under the canvas of a revival tent.
Preacher: "That's right brothers and sisters. I want you to tell it all! I want to you cleanse yourself before God tonight! I want you to clear your soul and tell it all! Tell it all to me, Brothers and Sisters! Tell it all!"
A wiry, stick of a man stands up in the back of the tent.
Thin Man: "Preacher, Preacher, I want to tell it all! I'm a gambler. I gamble all day and night. When I get my paycheck, the first thing I do is go to the race track. My poor wife and son barely have food on the table. I'm a gambler, Preacher. A terrible man. I'm a sinner!"
Preacher: That's right brother. Tell it all! You will be forgiven. Tell it all tonight!
A young man with a thick shock of hair stands in the fifth row of the revival tent.
Young Man: "Preacher, Preacher! I'm a womanizer! I'm a terrible womanzier. I run around with whores and harlots. I have four beautiful children and a loving wife at home, but I can't help myself. I'm always chasing girls!"
Preacher: "Tell it, son! You've cleansed your sins. I want you to all confess! I want you to tell it all tonight! Tell it all!"
A little man sitting in the first row of the tent throws off his straw hat and leaps out of his chair.
Little Man: "Preacher, Preacher! A week ago last Saturday, I made love to a goat!"
The Preacher looks quietly at the little man for a moment.
Preacher: "Damn, Brother, I don't believe I would have told that if I was you."
Preacher: "That's right brothers and sisters. I want you to tell it all! I want to you cleanse yourself before God tonight! I want you to clear your soul and tell it all! Tell it all to me, Brothers and Sisters! Tell it all!"
A wiry, stick of a man stands up in the back of the tent.
Thin Man: "Preacher, Preacher, I want to tell it all! I'm a gambler. I gamble all day and night. When I get my paycheck, the first thing I do is go to the race track. My poor wife and son barely have food on the table. I'm a gambler, Preacher. A terrible man. I'm a sinner!"
Preacher: That's right brother. Tell it all! You will be forgiven. Tell it all tonight!
A young man with a thick shock of hair stands in the fifth row of the revival tent.
Young Man: "Preacher, Preacher! I'm a womanizer! I'm a terrible womanzier. I run around with whores and harlots. I have four beautiful children and a loving wife at home, but I can't help myself. I'm always chasing girls!"
Preacher: "Tell it, son! You've cleansed your sins. I want you to all confess! I want you to tell it all tonight! Tell it all!"
A little man sitting in the first row of the tent throws off his straw hat and leaps out of his chair.
Little Man: "Preacher, Preacher! A week ago last Saturday, I made love to a goat!"
The Preacher looks quietly at the little man for a moment.
Preacher: "Damn, Brother, I don't believe I would have told that if I was you."
MikeM
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This one belongs to a comedian who's name I can't remember but I wanted to try to acknowledge him somehow. Anyway:
An Atom walks into a bar, looking quite upset.
The bartender pours him a drink and asks "Is everything okay?"
"No. I lost an electron today..."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
And this is a great thread. I look forward to checking back from time to time.
An Atom walks into a bar, looking quite upset.
The bartender pours him a drink and asks "Is everything okay?"
"No. I lost an electron today..."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
And this is a great thread. I look forward to checking back from time to time.
Ptrick
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Hehhe, I like that one, MikeM
Edit: I like yours as well, tommyatkins. Bad jokes are great!
Edit: I like yours as well, tommyatkins. Bad jokes are great!
truant truism
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hehe science jokes
ok, here's the worst joke I've ever heard. Keep in mind, it's all about the delivery:
two peanuts were walking down the street one night, and one was assaulted... peanut...
credit due to Montey Python
ok, here's the worst joke I've ever heard. Keep in mind, it's all about the delivery:
two peanuts were walking down the street one night, and one was assaulted... peanut...
credit due to Montey Python
Ptrick
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OK in the tradition of lame-but-amusing-nonetheless punchline jokes, here are a quick couple:
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
[size=xx-small]Because it was dead.[/size]
Why did the other koala fall out of the tree?
[size=xx-small]The other koala hit it on the way down.[/size]
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
[size=xx-small]Cos someone threw a refrigerator at him.[/size]
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
[size=xx-small]Because it was dead.[/size]
Why did the other koala fall out of the tree?
[size=xx-small]The other koala hit it on the way down.[/size]
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
[size=xx-small]Cos someone threw a refrigerator at him.[/size]
zoboomofo
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A giraffe walks into a bar and says "Hi-balls are on me".
Arzela
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How do you catch a unique mouse?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame mouse?
Tame way.
What's the oddest prime number?
Two; because it's even.
What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair black?
Artificial intellegence.
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame mouse?
Tame way.
What's the oddest prime number?
Two; because it's even.
What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair black?
Artificial intellegence.
fractus2
Headphoneus Supremus
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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"
Music Fanatic
Headphoneus Supremus
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Three race horses are having a drink in a bar bragging about their successes:
The first boasts: I've been in 37 races and won 22 of them.
The second says: That's nothing. I've been in 61 races and won 52 of them.
The third says: Well, I've raced in 103 races and won 97 of them.
Just then, the horses hear a voice from under then: "I've got you all beat." The horses look down and see a greyhound. "I raced in 148 races and won all of them."
The first horse looks at the other horses with wonder in his eyes: "How about that? A talking dog!"
The first boasts: I've been in 37 races and won 22 of them.
The second says: That's nothing. I've been in 61 races and won 52 of them.
The third says: Well, I've raced in 103 races and won 97 of them.
Just then, the horses hear a voice from under then: "I've got you all beat." The horses look down and see a greyhound. "I raced in 148 races and won all of them."
The first horse looks at the other horses with wonder in his eyes: "How about that? A talking dog!"
Old Pa
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Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great
sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had
sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and
I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken
schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she
screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied,
"What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great
sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had
sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and
I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken
schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she
screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied,
"What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
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