[star882]

Bill Gates had won a first class vacation to China. But when he went to the Linux chicks' offices to redeem the vacation, they replied, "We'll have to photograph you and compare the pictures to our database to make sure that the vacation you won is not a fake. This authentication process may take an hour or two." So Bill agreed. After 2 hours, they came back and said, "OK. We authenticated your vacation and here are your plane tickets. Let's go!" So they all went to the airport, boarded the plane, and started the flight!
However, halfway through the flight, the plane's engines failed and the plane crashed into the Pacific Ocean. All the Linux chicks immediately stripped down into their swimsuits and then took their emergency kits while escaping. After swimming to the surface and assembling the lifeboat, they heard Bill crying for help. They lifted Bill into the lifeboat. Bill then noticed that all the Linux chicks wore swimsuits with the Linux penguin, so he realized that it was a joke. He said, "First of all, I wasted 2 hours getting my vacation authenticated, and now, I almost got killed! Why did you do this to me?"
Of course, all the Linux chicks replied, "You see what it's like to use a product that makes you waste time authenticating it and then break without the slightest warning?"

 

[Old Pa]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

1. Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
2. Two French men and one French woman.
3. Two German men and one German woman.
4. Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
5. Two British men and one British woman.
6. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
7. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
8. Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman.
9. Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
10. Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

1. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman...
2. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
4. The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
5. The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
6. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
7. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
8. The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
9. The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
10. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping

 

[pframe]

An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, the old man answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

 

[rsaavedra]

An animal lover, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, and a masochist were sitting together on a park bench, not knowing how to spend the day.

The animal lover said, "Let's go find cat!"
The sadist said, "Let's go find a cat and torture it!"
The murderer said, "Let's go find a cat, torture it, and then kill it!"
The necrophiliac said, "Let's go find a cat, torture it, kill it, and then rape it!"
The pyromaniac said, "Let's go find a cat, torture it, kill it, rape it, and then set it on fire!"
The masochist said, "Meow..."

 

[pframe]

While it's highly doubtful the letter below is legit, the story behind it is that there is this nutjob who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

Anyway, here's the supposed response from the Smithsonian to one of his submissions.

------------------------

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Smithsonian Institution, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient Hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-Hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous, man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.

You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Smithsonian, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your backyard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Smithsonian Institution

 

[Old Pa]

The miracle of toilet paper.....

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then several times each day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts several times each day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man!

 

[ServinginEcuador]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy diner in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the
counter and notices the old cowboy on the stool next to his staring at his bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes, the young cowboy finds the nerve to ask the older man, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The old fellow says, "Nah, go ahead."

The young cowboy spoons up the chili with obvious delight. As he's about to finish, he sees a dead mouse at the bottom of the bowl. Shocked and appalled, he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy says, "That's as far as I got, too."

 

[Zorander]

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.



8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

- If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

- If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



And remember...



1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.



3. If you woke up breathing, CONGRATULATIONS! You get another chance.

 

[Old Pa]

One rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Garden Street," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ?"

 

[greenhorn]

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary,
and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related
overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be
significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with
the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of
American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on
the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder
Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office
of President as of November 12th.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were
vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health
coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when
few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will
allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated
Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position.
I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.
"President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may
have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the
"down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of
the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he
will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc.
to help him write a resume. and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at
Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands
and phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National
Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose
this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month,
before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I
know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge
of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift
shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm
reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details
of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

 

[Old Pa]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

EDIT: Upon reflection, I noticed this joke also works well replacing "Democrat" with "woman".

 

[Jahn]

And then the Independent walked up and said "Lady, you are floating towards the Wendy's. If you meant to meet your pal at the Taco Bell, you have to take a right."

 

[shiggins]

True extracts from insurance claim forms. Theis is a collection
made by a UK Insurance firm for their annual Christmas magazine.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I
thought".

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I
realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a
blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers
on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Mooo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked
her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran
into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention."

I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my
head through it"

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the
roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth"

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows."

 

[Old Pa]

Ole is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be "North Dakota" for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

 

[StevieDvd]

An elderly couple are discussing marriage. As they are both getting on a bit, been married before and lived on their own for quite a few years both are a bit set in their ways.

Discussing how they would handle things like accomodation and finance all is going well.

Encouraged by this the old man finally gets the courage to talk about sex.

"How do you feel about sex at our age?" he asks.

After a few minutes thought she says :"I don't mind as long as it's ... "
Then after a short pause she finishes her sentence saying: "...infrequently"

The old man pauses and eventually asks: "Is that one word or two?"