Nice guys finish last . . . don't they? / unspoken feelings
Aug 14, 2004 at 6:27 PM Thread Starter Post #1 of 77

Kirosia

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For all the guys out there, have you ever gotten that "you're a nice guy and all" speech? You know, when girls say "you're really sweet and caring at all, blah blah blah, I don't want to ruin our friendship, blah blah blah, I'm not ready to be with someone right now, blah blah blah". Or my favorites, "You'd make some girl really happy someday" and the straight out "I don't think so".

Or the worst, which is when you both know you feel for each other, but can never say it.

These have only been said to me a few times, but nonetheless it gets on my nerves. Why? Because usually the person saying it to me is someone who knows that we'd be good together.

I had asked out a girl a while back, who turned me down with ease. I was a little jaded. Blew away any confidence I had. She gave me the "you're a nice guy and all" speech. But I could tell in her head she really meant "Like I'd ever go out with an ugly nobody like you". Asked out another girl, said the same thing. What hurts is that I really was sweet to them, something I can't help. I'm nice. My male and female friends say that they it was their loss, I still wonder if this was true. Being nice just doesn't cut it, at least around here.

On a non-related note, there was this girl I knew in high school, she was a cheerleader, popular, with guys waiting for a chance to date her. She dated the popular, rich, bad boy-type guys. I knew her for 3 years, we were friends, sort of. We ran in different crowds, but that wasn't a big deal, I thought. Whenever I talked her, I could make her smile, laugh, and blush, like no other guy could. I could tell that there was a spark.
I was never going to ask her out though, because I was a low-class chump, with little money and no car. I wasn't popular whatsoever, I hung out with the outcasts. And to top it off, I was a nice guy. I knew I had no chance. So my feelings just started to fade.

So, one day, she tells me she's always liked this guy she knows. I knew only a little about who she was talking about, other than that he was somewhat of a dick. But, he was in the same league. I told her to go for it. Her face just froze for a second. At the time I didn't realize it though. I guess she thought it was odd, considering our possible feelings for one another. Fast forward a few months later, and there she was with him. I honestly didn't care. As long as she was happy, that's all that mattered to me.

What's funny though, is that his locker was right next to mine, and whenever she would kiss him and stuff, she would hesitate in front of me. She didn't look to happy either. (The guy reminded of a emotionless zombie for some reason) Also, which just may be coincidence, her boyfriend and I were in the same homeroom at the time, and we had the same birthday. Weird. May be she would've been happier with me. I'll never know. Heh, whatever.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 6:49 PM Post #2 of 77

Reck45

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Girls are shallow like that. They say that they want a nice guys but in reality that's genally just not true. That's why you should posture in front of girls, just make sure you're not too transparent. I used to have a bad boy reputation and girls would freaking flock around me. Until they found out I was a nice guy and all. Lesson learned.
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Aug 14, 2004 at 6:57 PM Post #3 of 77

Kirosia

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That's true. I guess some girls like it when you're a constant ass to them.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 7:01 PM Post #4 of 77

Jasper994

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirosia
On a non-related note, there was this girl I knew in high school, she was a cheerleader, popular, with guys waiting for a chance to date her. She dated the popular, rich, bad boy-type guys. I knew her for 3 years, we were friends, sort of. We ran in different crowds, but that wasn't a big deal, I thought. Whenever I talked her, I could make her smile, laugh, and blush, like no other guy could. I could tell that there was a spark.
I was never going to ask her out though, because I was a low-class chump, with little money and no car. I wasn't popular whatsoever, I hung out with the outcasts. And to top it off, I was a nice guy. I knew I had no chance. So my feelings just started to fade.

So, one day, she tells me she's always liked this guy she knows. I knew only a little about who she was talking about, other than that he was somewhat of a dick. But, he was in the same league. I told her to go for it. Her face just froze for a second. At the time I didn't realize it though. I guess she thought it was odd, considering our possible feelings for one another. Fast forward a few months later, and there she was with him. I honestly didn't care. As long as she was happy, that's all that mattered to me.



Let me start by saying that I feel your pain. I've always been the nice guy who girls would talk to about all their problems. The hardest part is knowing when a girl is actually interested because I always make friends with them first.

I had something similar happen to me in high school. The sad irony was that I ran into her in the mall the year after we graduated. She was with her mom and we talked for a minute and then she asked me the strangest question. "So are you still with that one girl?" I was, so I said yes, and her reply... "That's to bad..." Her mom and I both looked at her with jaws hanging down... Sad, I never realized she liked me and I never ran into her again. Oh well, I did end up breaking up with that girl and the girlfriend I had after that was incredible...
biggrin.gif


At one point or another, you have to just take the chance and let them know how you feel. Sure you might get rejected, but isn't that better than never finding out? Call her, ask her to hang out with you and then spend the day doing something romantic like take her for a hike and pack a picnic lunch. Maybe take her on a ferry ride in the evening if you have them where you live. In the evening is great because you can get them out on the deck to watch the sunset or look at the stars. Take a big jacket that you can fit her in with you and you can keep her warm and women love to be held... If that spark is really there, she'll respond well, if not... well, you'll have your answer at least.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 7:05 PM Post #5 of 77

Jasper994

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirosia
That's true. I guess some girls like it when you're a constant ass to them.


I've known a lot of those... it's sad really... cuz they spend all their time away from the guy complaining about how badly they are treated.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 7:08 PM Post #6 of 77

Hajime

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I think you're going after the wrong type of women. If a woman tells you, "You're a nice guy, but..." she isn't worth your time. Just laugh, shrug it off and walk away. If you're looking for a woman you want to spend a significant amount of time with, you don't want to be dealing with crap like that. Look for women with the same interests as you. Generally the more intelligent the woman the more they'll be interested in an actual relationship. Try and act as a friend to women you're interested in before you go any further. Get to know her quirks and personality. This will let you know if you're actually interested in her. This sounds bad, but look out for number one (meaning, focus on your needs first first) until you get in to a long term relationship. There's no point in feeling like crap because you've been turned down by a woman who you wouldn't have a relationship with anyway.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 7:19 PM Post #7 of 77

markl

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There's an irony in all this you should consider...

How many girls are there around you that you know that you would *never* go out with or take it to the "next level" so to speak? No matter where you stand on the social ladder, there are always going to be people of the opposite sex who look at you the same way you look at this girl. "Gee he would never go out with a dumpy girl like me." And you wouldn't. That's tough, but it's true. You may have to stop yourself to think about it to realize, "hey, yes there are girls in my social circle that I would *never* think of in that way."

It's OK to feel a little sorry for yourself, but whether you know it or not, you've done the same thing to other people that she has done to you. It's just nature, not much you can do about it. You can't be held responsible for other people's feelings, nor can other people be responsible for your feelings about them.

The key is to figure out your place in the pecking order as early in your life as possible, and stop chasing people out of your league. You'll be a lot happier that way.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 7:20 PM Post #8 of 77

Kirosia

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Thanks for the responses guys. I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way. What's bad is that the girls I get along the most with are usually taken. I just want to experience a relationship, being alone sucks. At my uncle's restaurant, I see the most beautiful, sweet girls with these rat-faced low-wage bad-boys who treat them like crap. The girls always appear unhappy. And when I do see the happy couples, I get the "I wish I had that" feeling.

Also markl, to be honest, I've never found a girl who showed real interest towards me. It's possible there are some, but you're right, they may feel the same way I do. Girls in my own league are either taken, or lust for someone better. But I hope I can find someone someday, even if it isn't meant to be.

We may finish last, but we do finish. I hope.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 9:20 PM Post #9 of 77

Idiot MD

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I was once told a story about a young man who was coupled with two debilitating social factors, he was unattractive and poor. But he was courageous and charming. He would always ask out the girls he was attracted to and nine times out of ten he would get turned down. But there is always that tenth girl.

You might also have someone (or someones) who are mooning after you, but its difficult to spot in our society, where sophistication and aloofness are par for the course.

As to girls liking jerks, I have a theory that women are more interested in "help projects" being how they are more focused on growth and nurturing. They seem drawn to bad, broken guys (the aforementioned jerks) who need to be "fixed" like moths to flames.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 9:51 PM Post #10 of 77

Tuberoller

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The guys who have the most success with women are the ones who are not afraid of rejection. I know guys who ask out dozens of women and are turned down by a great number of them but out of those dozens if only one or two respond,that's good enough for them. I also know guys that only approach certain types of women and they enjoy great success as well. The key here is your tolerance for rejection. You just have to look at this like the women who reject you are the ones losing out because they turned you down and you're a great guy. Had I been anything less than immune to rejection I would have never met my wife.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 10:05 PM Post #12 of 77

aerius

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Quote:

Originally Posted by markl
The key is to figure out your place in the pecking order as early in your life as possible, and stop chasing people out of your league. You'll be a lot happier that way.


I tend to disagree with this, with the exception of celebrity snobs and stuck-up witches, I don't feel there's such a thing as a girl who's out of your league. In many cases which I've seen the girl is out of the league only because the guy is convinced that she is, before he's even asked he's already thinking "OMG, she's such a babe, how am I ever going to get her?", he's struck out before even stepping up to the plate.

Case in point, me. I look like a dork, see the picture below if you don't believe me. I'm also a computer, audio, & bicycle, & sci-fi geek.
teeter.jpg


These are some of the chicks I've dated.

camille.jpg
barb2.jpg

marje.jpg


And here's my current GF, who is a Princeton graduate

jenny web.jpg


Positive thinking, confidence, kindness, and charm go a long long way towards pulling all the women into your league. I'm not the only "success story", there are many others.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 10:33 PM Post #13 of 77

oneeyedhobbit

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Quote:

Originally Posted by markl
The key is to figure out your place in the pecking order as early in your life as possible, and stop chasing people out of your league. You'll be a lot happier that way.


I'm going to disagree with this sentiment wholeheartedly, but the rest of your post was a unique way of putting things into perspective.
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 10:47 PM Post #14 of 77

Edwood

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Tuberoller
The guys who have the most success with women are the ones who are not afraid of rejection. I know guys who ask out dozens of women and are turned down by a great number of them but out of those dozens if only one or two respond,that's good enough for them. I also know guys that only approach certain types of women and they enjoy great success as well. The key here is your tolerance for rejection. You just have to look at this like the women who reject you are the ones losing out because they turned you down and you're a great guy. Had I been anything less than immune to rejection I would have never met my wife.



This philosophy applies to absolutely every aspect in life. If you don't succeed at first, try, try again. How old, yet so true is that statement? Keep up the right persistent attitude, and you will be successful in life, love, and business.

I try every day to apply that to my life rather than just pigeon hole myself into a particular order early in life and be "happy" with it.

-Ed
 
Aug 14, 2004 at 10:57 PM Post #15 of 77

markl

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I still think there are always going to be people who would never date you in a million years, just like there are people you would never date in a million years, no matter how nice she was, how many dinners she cooked you, how many times she walked your dog, how many times she came to your rescue when your car broke down, etc. etc. You just aren't attracted to her.

The original poster appears to be stuck in this sort of case. He has no luck with her no matter how good a friend he tries to be. Probably time to chuck it and move on.

There have been fascinating studies that show that people of a like level of attractiveness tend to pair up. People are subconsciously aware of their physical attractiveness and nature makes sure they seek out people at a like level of physical beauty. This is why the cheerleader dates the quarterback and not the Chess Club president. This makes sense and jibes with what we observe in the real world. Are there exceptions to the rule? Of course, but these studies do show statisticially rock solid relationship between the physical attractiveness of human pair bonds in the general population.

Sorry to say...
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