[Fatal]

I’ve had depression for about 6 years, and have been on and off medication starting this past year. Lately, it seems like I’ve lost all motivation in life. Time is passing by too quickly, and I can’t do a thing about it. Hours would go by and it would only feel like minutes. I’m at the point in life where I just want to give everything up. It seems regardless of what I do or how much effort and time I put into things, it all comes out as failure in the end. I’m guaranteed to fail all my classes this quarter, and feel as if I wasted the past few months of my life.

I’ve tried overcoming this state of mind; I can honestly say that I truly did try. However, I was unable to. I’ve come to realization that my friends aren’t what I consider to be true friends. I’m no longer the person I was before. I’ve become a rather angry and negative person with little patience. I’m sick of being this way. I’ve become the type of person I have come to resent.

I feel as if I’m lacking a purpose in life. My goals I’ve set now seem like far off dreams. I’ve resorted to drugs to escape from my problems, and to avoid these self-deprecating thoughts. However, even I realize that reality will come crashing down on me eventually. Every day, I wait for night to fall so I can just go to sleep and have some peace of mind. I’m tired of it all. I just want everything to be over and done with. All I can do now is continue riding it out, and hope for the best. However, even I will reach my breaking point eventually if things keep going on this way. That I have no doubt about. That is what I have come to fear the most.

What do you suggest that I do at this point?

 

[usc goose]

i know the feeling of which you speak. and i can't think of any easy road out. for me it just took a whole lot of time. do you see a psychiatrist? it helps some. not others. for me, bleaching my hair, and going camping for a few days usually helped. of course, that may just be me. i hope things get better sooner rather than later.

 

[ricksome]

I've been down that road...and sometimes I feel like I'm going back down that road. I know that religious comments are not allowed on this web site but I'll try to sneak this one in. I believe in a higher power to give me the correct guidance. I'll leave it at that and prsy for you. Best Regards / Rick

 

[tylernol]

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything"
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club

 

[Jaska]

It sounds like you have a tendency to get overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the future to me, and anxious over new opportunities to fail.

You should of course, and I think you know this, be seeking the help of someone qualified to oversee your situation. In the meantime, maybe putting yourself in more direct control over immediate things and obligations could help you some. For example, if you don't exercise, you could try to make a deal with yourself to start running every morning, no matter what, and doing some other sort of physical activity in the afternoon or evening. Then, every morning you know it's up to you to overcome a simple hurdle, and therefore set the stage for the rest of your day. When you get up every morning, of course you're not going to feel like running. But, if you place enough importance on being able to count on yourself every single day, and never be a failure in your own eyes, then I think you will put on your shoes and run.

As far as your school classes are concerned, are you absolutely sure there's nothing you can do to pass even one of them? If the answer is no, then it would be worth the time to speak to your teachers or professors about what you might be able to do in order to make up for lost ground. I know the importance of staying on top of your studies and passing all of your courses, but at the same time you need to know where to channel your energy at this point. If you can only manage to pass one of your current classes, then give that one all you've got until the next semester.

 

[pgbass]

No matter how you feel, no matter how certain you are that things will not change,and no matter how long it takes,
keep riding it out[/B.]
That is the one thing that you can control.
And have faith that at 18 yrs of age, you don't know everything that there is to know about yourself, trust me.

 

[dazzer1975]

You have good starting point to use this as a leap board into a new diection. You are self awae enough to recognise attributes you aren't comfortable with and know who you want to be. Use that to your advantage and try and respond differently to situations as a way of empowering yourself into becoming the person you wish you were or want to be. That is a directbattle you can wage with the effects of depression and the battles you do win will give you a geat sense of moving forward and feeling like you can change things around.

As for your friends, don't have expectations of them, just accept them, and when good things happen, take them for what they are, a nice little surprise which can go towards affirming a faith in humanity and that good things can and do happen. But dont expect anythig otherwise failure and unhappiness will follow.

 

[Fatal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by usc goose /img/forum/go_quote.gif do you see a psychiatrist? it helps some. not others.

I was seeing a psychiatrist late last year, but it seemed like all she wanted me to do was keep trying new medication every month or so. Eventually, I got tired of wasting money every month for something that isn't working.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaska /img/forum/go_quote.gif As far as your school classes are concerned, are you absolutely sure there's nothing you can do to pass even one of them?

I'm relatively certain that I'll be failing one of my classes. As for my others, they're barely breaking 60% overall. The final exams are next week, and I'm still planning on trying to pass them, regardless of the end result.


Thanks for the advice everyone. It's good to know that there are still kind people out there willing to help others.

 

[Al4x]

i get like that, my mum had it too, and i cant find what will make me happy, i dont seem to care about anything, and i dont really talk to anybody about it.

i do my best to hide it so not to worry other other people about it, one thing that made it alot worse is when i had to stop running, i loved it so much, i cant watch it or anything, cause it makes me jealous

im not religious and just cant see a point in anything, in life.

and i feel the same as you, its nice to go to bed, cause then your not in the real world, i like things that distract me from life, so to keep my mind off real things, and i also find that i dont feel my friends are real friends alot of the time, i feel alone all the time, so i moved back in with some friends after being at home, and now i think they wanted me there just to fill the house, and nothing else

its horrible not being happy inside

 

[nibiyabi]

You should consider ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) -- it has proven to be extremely beneficial for those with severe depression, especially those who are resistant to medication. I have seen some startlingly positive results (though it's not guaranteed, of course -- it's also pain-free, if you were wondering). If your psychiatrist objects to the idea, it's time to switch, because then it's likely she's just trying to make money off your prescriptions.

 

[usc goose]

ECT can be very helpful but at the very least, in the short term, will severely affect memory. As for psychiatrists, they can be very different, and some people just won't respond to any of them. Also, a lot of medications will take more than a month to kick in if used in treatment for depression. Is there anyone at your school that you can talk to? Schools usually have counselors that may be of benefit. Hang in there. Life is long. Who knows what the wind will blow in tomorrow.

 

[Jon L]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fatal /img/forum/go_quote.gif I’ve had depression for about 6 years, and have been on and off medication starting this past year.

From this, I do not believe you have had adequate medication therapy. You need to take a med for a while continuously, supplemented by *good* therapy/counseling, before knowing if that med is the right one for you or not. If not, a qualified psychiatrist has to try different meds until one works better or a combination of meds helps.

Also, one does not become "happy" even when these meds are working. All we are shooting for is to lift the "fog" of helplessless just enough that you don't feel so helpless. Counseling/therapy needs to help you change your viewpoint a bit so that you turn on the light a little where there was only darkkness. You cannot do this alone, but with proper help, you *can* get there, and you have to be able to believe that.

 

[tylernol]

Erowid Experience Vaults: Tramadol - Turn Around, Blue Eyes - 38660

Only real suggestion I can make is to try that.

Tyler

 

[Akathriel]

Fatal, while mine was based in serious medical problems I can totally relate with the disingenuous friends, depression, drugs etc... Ive had two major surgeries, my skull is reinforced with steel in eight places and I'm taking narcolepsy medicine for neurologic damage but after 6 years I'm finally over the hump. I've been there trust me. If you'd like something to relate to, I can give you more details through PM.

Your post seems to indicate that while you're not suicidal, you are starting to have some suicidal thoughts. Hopefully, I'm totally overreacting but I'd rather ere on the side of caution. I was pretty young at the time I hit rock bottom, and while I don't think much of MJK anymore, I found A Perfect Circle's "the Outsider" particularly motivating. It reminded me that suicide is not just a self-center, egotistical, and spiteful act but also an act of submission. One of the ways, I kept myself going is to remind myself that suicide is the weak way out. Its an escape, it doesn't hurt you but it's a way to get back at those who care about you and torture them for the rest of their lives for not noticing. Keep fighting, and if you're about to lose it ask yourself if you really want to punish others for your own misery.

Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,

Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. Why would I want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. Why would I wanna watch you...

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I'm over this, over this!

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here

 

[usc goose]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tylernol /img/forum/go_quote.gif Erowid Experience Vaults: Tramadol - Turn Around, Blue Eyes - 38660 Only real suggestion I can make is to try that. Tyler

Tramadol is a really fascinating drug actually. Synthetic opiate with action on GABA, serotonin and norepinephrine. I know of at least one psychiatrist who will use it for depression but I don't think that's a common practice. Plus it helped kill the ODB.