Alanis, Mariah, Whitney, Celine, Britney, Avril, Yoko, Natalie... they are all terrifying in their own way. Each singer has a unique frequency that rattles the victim's spinal cord, sending disruptive shockwaves throughout the entire central nervous system. Side effects include nausea, tremors, dizziness, temporary schizophrenia, and even seizures in severe cases.
Interestingly, playing the CD of each singer simultaneously through an amplified output device is an illegal act, as non-military personnel are not permitted to own lethal weapons of this sort. Known as the Sonic Helldiva Instrument Tone Generator Array (or ****BOX as it is informally known as within military circles), it is presently seeing action in the ongoing "Shock and Awe" campaign in Iraq. Thus far, none of the Iraqi troops have been "Awed", although many have been verifiably "Shocked" by the deadly shrieking noises it mercilessly generates. The ****BOX is believed to be the primary cause of the massive number of surrendering Iraqi troops, as many were spotted marching with their hands covering their ears rather than on top of their heads.
In order to protect friendly troops, special noise-cancelling earplugs have been issued. Similar in design to the isolating Etymotic ER4S headphones, the earplugs counter the deadly waveforms with musically superior ones... notably progressive rock tracks from the 1970's and electronic dub from the 1990's to the present time. Curiously, the vast majority of soldiers have been reluctant to return the earplugs, insisting that the countermeasures sound "totally freaking awesome".
In case you were wondering, I'm OK. Haven't lost my mind yet. Watching endless CNN feeds can do this to you... ack... ugh... need sleeeep...
