[miroslav]

Quote:

Originally posted by elgoog i don't sprechen desutch. any idea what it means? babelfish came up with junk.

Knowing Pythons` sense of humor, I wouldn`t be surprised if it didn`t mean anything in any language, including German. Although, I could be wrong again.

Beside, do we REALLY want to know what this FATAL joke is about?

 

[RYCeT]

5 Americans were traveling to France. They were driving a Audi Quattro. They were stop by a policeman. After checking the licence and registration, The police said, "Sir, otherwise one of you willing to take a bus, I have no other choice than to give you a fine." The driver was furious and asked why. The police said, " It's audi Quattro, it's for 4 people." The driver was really pissed off hearing the answer and said, "****ing moron, Where the hell is your supervisor?" The police said, " I think it's going to be awhile because my supervisor still got problems with those two person driving a Fiat Uno."

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Quote:

Originally posted by Audio&Me You have to move three things (goat, cabbage, wolf) across a river and have one boat, but you can only move one thing at a time. The goat eats cabbage, wolf eats goat. So how do you accomplish this task? Air Force one just crashed in Canada, where do you bury the survivors?

Goat first, come back empty, then take the wolf and bring back the goat, then take the cabbage back, come back empty and take the goat back.

You don't bury survivors, you bury the dead.


If a rooster is sitting right on the precipice of a roof and lays an egg, to which side of the roof will it roll down?

How many months have 28 days?


EDIT: almost forgot this one: Here's a joke about the difference between the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. It seems that a rabbit was on the most wanted list, so a team from the CIA, FBI, and LAPD were sent to get him out of the woods and bring him in to justice. First in was the CIA. They bribed all the animals in the woods to rat on him, and pay off everyone they can, but are unsuccessful. Next the FBI goes in, burns down the woods and all evidence, then denies everything. Next the LAPD goes in, and a little while later a beaten and bloody bear comes out saying, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit!"

 

[Mr.PD]

HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new
leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in
the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass
of milk.

And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy
at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe
we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

 

[shivohum]

ROFL, Mr. PD. Reminds me of the wonderful parody of the Bush-Gore 2000 election debates: (I forget to whom the credit for this goes... it's been copied an awful lot)

--

What Actually Happend at Gore Bush Debate
JIM LEHRER: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.

The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

GORE: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs,one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

LEHRER: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

BUSH: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

LEHRER: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

BUSH: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

LEHRER: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

GORE: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

LEHRER: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

GORE: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

LEHRER: Gov. Bush?

BUSH: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

LEHRER: It's time for closing statements.

GORE: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

BUSH: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

LEHRER: Good night.

 

[bifcake]

This is some funny stuff!!! I'll have to ask Dick Cheney to put this post in an ironclad lockbox for me for future references!

 

[Todd R]

Here's one to piss off the ladies:

Male/Female ATM Procedures...

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from
machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN
number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

 

[elgoog]

Heehee, this is all very entertaining. Fortunately I am not a lady!

A knot is in the desert and wants something to drink. So he walks over to the nearest town, and goes up to the first saloon he sees, and sits down at the counter and says, "can i have something to drink?"
The guy behind the counter looks carefully at him, and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve knots here."
So the knot walks out of the saloon, and walks and walks for a long time until he reaches the next town with a saloon. He walks up to the counter and says, "Can i please have something to drink?"
This time the bartender doesn't even look at him and says "Sorry, we don't serve knots."
The knot is getting very frustrated now, but he still continues on, getting thirstier by the second. He reaches another saloon, goes inside, and says, "Can I PLEEEEASE have something to drink!!??"
The bartender says what everyone else has said before: "We don't serve knots here."
So the knot walks outside, and is flailing around, writhing around in agony because he's so thirsty and there's no shade or anything, and he's about shredding himself to bits. Finally, he gathers up the courage and strength to make one last trip to a saloon. He struggles in through the doors, climbs up onto the chair, and asks, "Please, I need something to drink, I'm about to die of thirst!"
The bartender looks at him carefully, and says, "Are you sure you're not a knot? 'Cause we don't serve knots here."
The knot pauses for a bit, and says, "Nope, I'm afraid not!"


(hint for those slow on the uptake: afraid not=a frayed knot)

 

[elgoog]

Here's a riddle for all you fans:
_ _
| |
|_ _|
This is a 2x2 square made of virtual toothpicks. How do you place two more toothpicks to make two squares?

_|_
|
There are four virtual toothpicks arranged in a cross. How do you move one to make a square?

BTW how do you like my new avatar ppl? Can you make out the headset Sephiroth is wearing? (Kudos and sympathies to anyone who can identify the exact headset brand and model)

EDIT: Ok folks, sorry the ascii art didn't turn out all purty.

 

[CaptBubba]

A man walks into a bar. He asks the barkeeper for five shots of his most expensive scotch.

The barkeeper replied "That over there is $35 a shot, it's the best I've got"

"That'll do" replied the man.

The barkeeper pours the shots and the man starts to drink them, one after another. He sets the fifth glass upside down on the bar and the barkeeper exclaims "I've never seen anybody drink like that, how do you do it?"

The man sighs and says "You'd drink like that if you had what I had"

"Whatcha got?" said the barkeeper, edging away.

"50 cents."

 

[Kahuna]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful

parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she

asked the pet store owner.



The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this

bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some

pretty vulgar stuff."



The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited

for it to say something.



The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new

madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought

"that's not so bad."



When her two teenage daughters returned from school

the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."



The girls and the woman were a bit offended but

then began to laugh about the situation.



Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith "

 

[Kahuna]

DEAR INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE


Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

 

[Happy Camper]

This is a repeat put in the last two joke threads.

A magician was performing at the dinner of a cruise ship. The captain's parrot started catching on to the tricks and was hollaring them out, "it's up his sleeve", "it's behind his back". Well, this was beginning to get under the magician's skin.

The ship hits an iceburg and sinks.

A couple days later the magician wakes up and finds the parrot and he are on the same piece of debris and the parrot was staring a hole through him. Well, the magician is determined not to let this bird get the best of him so he stares back.

This goes on for three days until finally the parrot says "OK I give, where's the boat"?

Two (insert country here) come to the US and make a pact to meet again in one year to see who has become the most Americanized. So a year later the first guy says that he has to go pick up his kids from soccer, go by Starbucks for his wife, pick up a 12 pack of beer and go home to watch some football. The other guy says, "screw you towelhead".

 

[kydsid]

The Collard Greens
An old man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it wasalways veryhard work for him because the ground was hard.
His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looklike I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'mjust getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son


Dear Daddy , Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love your son.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy,

You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

 

[Bizzel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kydsid /img/forum/go_quote.gif The Collard Greens...

Heard it before. Gets me everytime!