[falkon72]

Lets have a good laugh.
What are your favorite jokes everyone??

 

[Flasken]

20 Signs That You're A Drunk


1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: coincidence?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor.

11. Hey, five beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.

14. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!"

15. Roseanne looks great.

16. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

 

[HappymaN]

 

[Audio-Me]

Those really aren't jokes, they're for real! When you agree with this, that's a true sign that you are a lush.

My observations while hammered:
I constantly wake up next to a toilet or trash can
The last thing I remember is a glass or bottle of what ever
I see trails
It takes a while to respond to people talking to me
Females I wouldn't normally be interested in start looking attractive
The first thing I want when I wake up is a beer
I drink a glass of water when I wake up and feel drunk all over again
and the number 1 sign, you wake up drunk


I like stupid riddles that deal with common sense, yet most everyone fails to see it.

You have to move three things (goat, cabbage, wolf) across a river and have one boat, but you can only move one thing at a time. The goat eats cabbage, wolf eats goat. So how do you accomplish this task?

Air Force one just crashed in Canada, where do you bury the survivors?

etc

 

[Todd R]

<< >> WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up
and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When
they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the
back
of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt
the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to
her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 

[Flasken]

Nice story todd!!

Here's a riddle:

An old guy approaches you:

"You have the chance to win one of three prizes. What you have to do to win first prize - a ferrari - is to say something that is very true. To win the second prize - a bike - you only have to say something that is not a lie. If you tell a lie, you will get a live rat. Remember, only I can judge whether your truth is good enough to deserve the ferrari"

- What is the one thing you can say that will get you the ferrari?

 

[Russ Arcuri]

Todd R's post is funny, but I feel compelled to point out it's an urban legend.

Read more here:

http://www.snopes2.com/crime/safety/biscuit.htm

 

[kelly]

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

 

[bootman]

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T).
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list,
and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in
Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted,
they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T)
Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming
(D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training,
Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

 

[Mr.PD]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

[bootman]

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying
in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

 

[elgoog]

Here are some newspaper headlines:

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Hurricane strikes cemetery, hundreds dead
Red tape holds up new bridge
Drunk gets nine months in Violin case
Iraqi Head seeks Arms
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
War dims hope for peace
Panda mating fails, veteranarian takes over
Kids make nutritious snacks
Man steals clock, faces time
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Plane too close to ground, says crash probe
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

 

[shivohum]

"ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

...

FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.

...

SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as
distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other
faiths are based."

Much more from Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary

 

[DarkWolf]

A man walks into a bar. At the other end of the bar, he sees another guy sitting there, with an eye patch and a hook-hand. He goes over to the guy and asks "Excuse me, are you a pirate? We don't get many pirates this way." The guy says "Arr, I be a pirate." The man looks at the pirate's hook and says "If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your hand?" To which the pirate replied, "Arr, me be a sword fightin'." The man then looks at the pirate's eye patch and says, "If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your eye?" The pirate says, "Arr, a seagul **** in it." The man looks at the pirate for moment, and then says "I didn't know you could lose an eye that way.." The pirate added, "Arr, it be the first day with me new hook."

Obviously, I don't general tell prearanged jokes, I fit them into the context of what's going on at the time.

 

[wallijonn]

http://www.dailytelegraph.co.uk/news...04/ixhome.html (Funniest joke in the whole World)

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/

http://www.sysopt.com/forum/showthre...light=funniest :

"Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the
other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We are going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they will be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you are equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you are equipped to be a prostitute, but you are not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended."