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Corny Jokes - the more the merrier
Nov 4, 2023 at 11:01 AM Post #1,171 of 1,279
"I haven’t spoken to my mother in law for eighteen months – I don’t like to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield: "My mother-in-law! For years I wouldn’t kiss her face. I ended up kissing her ass.”

Note: I loved my mother-in-law and miss her greatly. Really. I was one of the lucky few...
 
Nov 4, 2023 at 2:13 PM Post #1,172 of 1,279
IMG_4324.jpeg
 
Nov 4, 2023 at 5:16 PM Post #1,174 of 1,279
Dave Allen joke:

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. “Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”

The drunk looks at her and asks, “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk asks, “Have you ever even tried a drink?” The nun admits she hasn’t, so the drunk tells her, “Listen, I’ll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I’ll get one for you too. I’ll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad.”

The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, “I don’t want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup?”. The drunk agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar, he tells the bartender “Give me a double shot of whiskey, and a second-half shot in a paper cup.”

The bartender groans and says: “Is that bloody nun out there again?”
 
Nov 4, 2023 at 5:31 PM Post #1,175 of 1,279
(may have posted this before...if so, apologies)

A woman goes into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She walks over and asks him what he's drinking.

"Magic Beer," he replies.

Surprised, she replies, "There's no such thing as Magic Beer!"

"Yes, there is," he replies. "Just watch." He takes a gulp of his beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and flies back in through the open window.

The woman can't believe it. She challenges him: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another gulp of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in through the window.

By now quite dazzled, the woman declares that she, too, wants some Magic Beer. So this cute fellow tells the bartender, "Give this lovely lady a mug of Magic Beer!"

The woman gets her beer, gulps it all down, then jumps out the window. She plummets 30 stories, breaking every bone in her body, and dies on impact.

The bartender looks the Magic Beer guy straight in the eye and says, "You're a real asshole when you drink, Superman."
 
Nov 4, 2023 at 5:46 PM Post #1,176 of 1,279
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The piece of string walks out the bar, messes up his hair, ties himself up, walks back in, and orders his drink again.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string from before?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
 
Nov 4, 2023 at 5:56 PM Post #1,177 of 1,279
msing539 said:
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The piece of string walks out the bar, messes up his hair, ties himself up, walks back in, and orders his drink again.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string from before?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Click to expand...
A true classic. Not to mention a superb pun.
 
Nov 7, 2023 at 9:16 AM Post #1,184 of 1,279
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted.

When I opened it, all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.
 
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