Today, whilst lacing my iPod into its faux tie-dyed puce-and-vermilion silicone Lajo-manufactured corset and positioning its urine-tinted iMonocle just so, I suffered a revelation. It occurred to me that, for a queue of months so interminable as to astound the Department of Motor Vehicles, I had been indulging in a vice so objectionably frothy, a habit so infernally dainty, that I might as well dance about with a megaphone shrieking "Jerome never looked lovelier": I'd been dressing an alabaster-skinned lady-friendly DAP in little outfits. Flummoxed, I gaped at my iPod and understood that every manicurist in Singapore would happily engage in the same activity. What in Thumbelina's name had I been doing, let alone thinking? We might as well admit it, I concluded. DAPs (read: Delectable Audio Princesses) are dolls for men.

Men have always concealed their own feminine interests from themselves through the obvious but effective use of *non sequitur distinctions*. We are fascinated by shiny jewelry but can't admit it, therefore we apply the irrelevant question of scale to assert masculinity. "Irene, this Movado watch might appear identical to yours, but don't be deceived. Everyone knows it is a man-friendly tool of virility because -- need you be reminded? -- it is nearly an inch larger."

The same strategy is sometimes applied to the iPod mini: "How can Phil brandish that blue perfume dispenser with an LCD in public when everyone knows it's smaller than the stubble-inflected Lacrosse-stick-wielding iPod and has fewer gigabits?"

Similarly, we use the idea of functionality to dismiss charges that we like to costume our side-intelligencer-mates in outfits made of rubber, silicone and leather: "Really, Naomi, have you christened your forehead with a fleur-de-lis-shaped decanter of gold-flecked liqueur? This is not some poupee a la mode, wife o' mine, this an audio player; it is functional; I'm not attaching an orange vinyl hoodie with nylons to my iHP-120, I'm protecting my investment. Can't you see these impossibly expensive accessories will save money in the long run? That's why I own the same mini-to-RCA cord cruller in seventeen utilitarian lipstick-complimenting hues."

By the bye, I no longer own an iPod or any of its psychologically revealing accessories. That's right -- as soon as I realized what I'd been doing, I threw them away to show I'm not emotionally invested in the subject.

I had no problem dressing up dolls. Except I called them "Robots." Don't kid yourselves - when you played with Transformers, it's a very similar experience to playing with dolls.
Although perhaps my friend crossed the line when he bought me a Princess doll from Battle of the Planets. My sister was happy to take that off my hands.
Feel free to call the ipod a girlish item if you like - just like the Mini/VW Bug is, or the Waterfield Imotion bag can be called a man-purse.

There is no shame in Accessorizing. Metrosexuals, unite!

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I savor your judiciously applied commas (nicely done!) and admire your periods (lobes out of the atrine-lay, redshifter), but am not certain I approve of your brazen use of the virgule. Your controversial deployment of hyphens and quote marks confounds me completely (though I do apologize in advance for my inserted ellipses).

tuberoller have got something to say about this.

i really hate it when people say you have to do this or what to be a man. cut my hair and s*** like that. which only lead to sexist ideas.

ipod in this case, i have to admit is designed for the attraction purpose. you literally threw it away?

This language barrier was brought to you courtesy of the Parks Department of Slightly Larger New York.

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Hey, that reminded me of a short piece Steve Martin wrote in his book, "Shopgirl." It was written in the context that there was a punctuation shortage - specifically, the shortage of the Period. He wrote the entire piece using only one period. I'll give you one guess where that period was!

Frankly, I don't think a man with an interest in action figures ought to be discussing the insertion of end punctuation in a thread as virile as this. Yes, I know I did exactly the same thing, but, really, that was different. When you flip off its head, my Lady Murasaki Aikido Extermination Buddy becomes a floss dispenser.

I admit, I might not be manly enough to end this pointedly, but I can at least do so with a flourish and a readily available emoticon

STOP THIS NOW! I'm laughing my guts out! My betrothed is in the other room attempting to sleep!!

That probably means that my tendency to cut up iSkins either has a deeper nastier meaning, or I'm a closet Coco Chanel. Either way, "d'oh!"

I have been known to take my ipod out of it's little fluffy bag just to admire it and feel it's smooth texture on my hand.

I prefer my ihp-140 without a case at all....draw your own conclusions

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That you have no sense of style and like peeling paint?

Maybe he enjoys fiddling with knobs.

Ah... a knob man. Of course.