AND WHO SAID WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely
not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I
just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right
man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I
had to beat him to death with the chair!"
And another one.....
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down
your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are
from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of
two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank): Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. lady is starting to
look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.
I got more