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Post your favourite joke here! Keep 'em clean !

post #1 of 563
Thread Starter 
Hi there,

I'm in need of a laugh.

Here is my stupid joke that I still get occasional chuckles from:

Q: What happens when you throw a green sock into the Red Sea?

A: It gets wet.


Har har.
post #2 of 563
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody"
post #3 of 563

Chiefs on Chiefs

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little
extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, Sonny. I hope there are no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."
post #4 of 563

Domo-kun

Quote:
Originally posted by Ptrick
I'm in need of a laugh.
Btw, I get a laugh everytime I look at your avatar. Think of the kittens!
post #5 of 563
An 89 year old man went to his doctor for a yearly checkup. Afterwards, the doctor was listing everything that was going wrong with the old man's health.
The old man stopped the doctor and said "Doc, I't can't be all that bad. I have a 23 year old wife at home pregnant with our child."
The doctor told the old man, "Now I've got a story for you. I had another older patient in here the other day. He was an avid hunter in his earlier years. He decided he wanted to try hunting again and woke up early one morning. As he walked out the door, he reached into the closet and, in his confused mind, grabbed and umbrella instead of a gun. At the edge of the woods he sees a rabbit, takes aim with the umbrella and squeezes the handle. Well, he heard a loud bang and the rabbit fell over with a bullet in his head. What do you think happened?"

The old man scratched his head and said "Why surely someone else killed that rabbit."

The doctor patted the old man on the shoulder and said "There you go."
post #6 of 563
A blonde walked into a petrol station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

===============

The other day I was in Halfords. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What does it do?" we asked.
She said she didn't know, but its always been there. The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture.
So she makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the centre she writes 710

(what's 710 inverted? )
post #7 of 563
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, covered only in plastic Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist takes one look at the man, and without the patient saying a word, he says "Clearly I can see your nuts!"

post #8 of 563
LOL, Mr PD. That's the funniest joke I've heard in a long time.
post #9 of 563
A lookout on the bows of a ship at night.

The lookout shouts up to bridge "Seagull, one point to starboard".
The skipper drops the bridge windows and shouts "What did you say?". So the lookout repeats "Seagull, one point to starboard". A bit annoyed, the skipper shouts back "You're a fool, I don't wan't to know about any seagulls". The lookout replies "You'be interested in this one. It's perched on a rock!".
post #10 of 563
AND WHO SAID WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW
INSTRUCTIONS?..................

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely
not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I
just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right
man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I
had to beat him to death with the chair!"

---------------------------------------------
And another one.....
---------------------------------------------

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down
your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are
from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of
two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank): Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. lady is starting to
look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.
-----------------
I got more
post #11 of 563
HAHAHAHA that one is good
post #12 of 563
For fellow nature nerds:

A woodpecker and a pair of sparrows were perched upon an old oak one day discussing types of trees in the forest. The first sparrow looked to the woodpecker and said, "That big tree there... is that an old beech or a son of a beech?"

The second sparrow said, "I think it's a son of a beech." But he soon got into an argument with the other sparrow who insisted it was an old beech, not a son of a beech.

The woodpecker, frustrated by the argument, fleeted up to the tree and had a few whacks at the tree. He returned, and the sparrows said, "So, is it an old beech or a son of a beech?"

"Neither," said the woodpecker, "but that's the finest piece of ash my pecker's ever been in."
post #13 of 563
Thank you Todd R!!!!
I had that story about the chili taster and lost it a couple years ago. That is one of my favorites of all time. I'll have to read it later since I am ripping a cd right now and I am afraid I will laugh so hard and make the floor shake enough to make the cd skip if I read the whole thing.
post #14 of 563
Don't think much about these, just read the punch line. Btw, I LOVE bad jokes.

What'd the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt

---

Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.

---
A guy was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy walking around with a piece of steak on his head. So he asked, "Little boy, why do you have a piece of steak on your head?"

"I'm not a boy," the boy answered. "I'm a fork."
post #15 of 563
Quote:
Originally posted by tommyatkins
Don't think much about these, just read the punch line. Btw, I LOVE bad jokes.

What'd the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt
Hahahaha, best joke yet

[edit] LOL Todd R. My Astronomy teacher beat you to the CIA one. He always tells jokes during the break.

AHAHAHAHA, never mind, that Chili one is best. "That 300-lb. lady is starting to
look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating." Still laughing from that....
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