[mxs1030]

Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most of evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Clark, how ya doing?"

Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Clark. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. "Hi Clarky," she says, "want your usual table dance?"

Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, CLark".

-----------------------------

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...

"FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!"

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. YOu gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of peper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a frew, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

[Old Pa]

A father walks into a market followed by his twelve-year-old son. The kid is spinning a coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her, saying: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before!- it was fantastic! Are you a doctor?'"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a divorce lawyer."

 

[Music Fanatic]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?























A carrot

 

[mxs1030]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

 

[Old Pa]

So these two old buddies are together for a night on the town. Both are married, and as the evening progresses, we find them examining their respective situations.

"When I come home from a night out", the one sez "I gotta sneak up. Even if I kill my headlights when I come onto our block, coast into the garage with the motor off, come in the back door, sneak up the stairs, take off my clothes in the spare room and sneak into bed, my wife's going to be up and ready to give me the "what for"."

"Funniest thing," sez the other guy. "I make a point of screeching the tires on the corner by the house, squealing the brakes coming into the garage, revving the engine before I turn it off, slamming the back door, stomping upstairs, and slapping the old girl on the ass when I jump into bed saying "Boy, I hope you're as horny as I am!" And my wife is always asleep."

 

[greenhorn]

.

 

[Old Pa]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses"

 

[Musicfan123]

Micro-Soft

 

[Budgie]

I know I have a sick sense of humor.
andrzejpw's joke cracked me up.

I suppose I should try a joke-

"How many New York cabbies does it take to change a light bulb?"

(insert your guess here)

(with NY accent) ****** You!

(I guess this is only funny if you know about NY cabbies.)

 

[Old Pa]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, " Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

 

[Musicfan123]

That's a good one

 

[princeclassic]

i'm a fan of short dumb jokes...long ones just don't do it for me...sick ones are fun too...

expanding on the koala joke....

why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
-cause it was dead

why'd the second monkey fall out of the tree?
-cause it was stapled to the first monkey


hellen keller jokes are always pleasant....

why was hellen keller confused?
-she was trying to read the stucco


or the always popular dead baby jokes...

what's the difference between a thousand dead babies and a ferrari?
-i don't have a ferrari in my garage

 

[Musicfan123]

I just read through the whole thread. It is hilarious! This is the BEST thread in the whole forum!

 

[Music Fanatic]

The teacher asked the students to write a paper on childbirth.

Little Johnny went home and asked his parents: "How was I born?"

They answered, with hesitation: "Uh ... the stork brought you."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork brought us too."

"And how were my grandparents born?"

"Again, the stork."

So Johnny began his paper, "This paper is difficult to write becaue there has not been a natural childbirth in my family for at least three generations."

 

[Old Pa]

Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in this crap?"